Saturday, January 20, 2007

oh, if only i could wake to a dream. wake up from flying like a bird, to swimming like a fish. if only life was a love story. if only i could live a fairy tale. if only the world did not have to be half evil, if only it could really be half good. as long as life goes, so does the wind, and the stars and the moon. so long as the dreams of young children persist, that good will not be overcome. so long as the golden hearts of this earth keep their voices raised to the sky, the earth will not have her heart broken.

heart broken? what does that mean? is it the feeling of knowing that they will never come back? the feeling that while they occupy their own little part of your heart, you only occupy your own little part of their mind? i wonder what love really is. i wonder if it really does live everywhere. is love just an exercise? a test? when it is taken away, broken, we either fall. if we rise up again, does that mean we pass the test? what if we dont? are we doomed to live a loveless life?

this lump in my throat is still persisting. how many days? monthes? years? when i think it is gone, it comes back. seems, if i think of pain, it comes to me, but if i am blissfully ignorant of what possible pain there is to come, it's as if it can hear me, and seeks me out. maybe i am the one seeking it out. testing my limmits? i wonder if i am strong enough to endure the worst. is it really love? or is it just though? if i think of them every day, does that mean i love them? does it mean i am curiouse? does that mean i am simply afraid of being alone? i wonder, if my questions were all answered. would they all be unexpected, or unthought of? am i anywhere near where i am supposed to be? i want my dreams to come true. and if they do, will i be left without any dreams at all? is the fullfillment of a dream worth endless nights of black holes? endless dark sleep, endless nothing? am i stubborn? or am i simply stupid? why do i keep trusting? are human beings able to keep a trust without breaking it jsut once? is pain the only thing keeping us alive? what of love? can it really overcome all? does love even exist? or only passion? what about hate? does that really exist? or only hurt? do you hate someone only because u were hurt by them? why does the whole world hate? why is doing the wrong thing so easy, but doing the good thing so hard? is the wrong thing really wrong if u do them blindly at someone else's control? and what of desire? why do people seek it out so, when all it does is cause pain? am i just a drug? is that why it exists? why does it seem like everything around me is a drug? the sun, a drug that will make one feel temporarily warm, but only until it hides again, only to come back the next morning, to be used again. can i live without the sun? and what of the moon? why is it hidden some nights, and only half so on others? why does that remind me so much of a heart. hidden from some, and only half so from others. not very often is it completely uncovered. why is it that tears are always shed at stories, at things that happened to other poeple i don't know, but never shed when something closer happens? why is it, that as soon as something of that sort does happen, i can almost feel a wall go up? why do i feel the need to be alone so much, and when i really am, i am afraid? why do i feel the need to take care of everything myself, but when i actually am doing it myself, i wish somebody was there. why cant i cry when i feel it once again tugging at my heart? why cant i cry out to others? why cant the world hear my whispers? why can i talk to trees and squirrels and not people? why does it seem people always feel that if something is wrong with someone else, they have to fix it? why can't they jsut let me fix it myself? why can't they jsut understand? why am i so different? why can't i scream or cry? why do i roll my eyes when i can feel weakness? why cant i get a grip when i feel my own weakness? why do i feel like i am choking when there is nothing to choke on but my own tears? why can i only see black and white? why cant i see the grey? or bet5ter yet, the color? why cant anyone see it? why is it i have not met one person who can see color? why does he feel that he has to drink? why cant i feel like i have to drink? why do i wrap my arms around my knees and curl up into a ball when the lump comes back? when i can feel my heart trying to climb up my throat and into my mouth so i can scream and let it out? why does it want to leave me? why can't i stop hurting my heart so that it wouldnt want to go? why does everyone always go? why doesnt anyone ever want to stay? why couldnt i stay? why do people give up? why do i keep giving up? why can i see hope only sometimes, when i know it is always there? why do i dream of love when all i want is friendship? are dreams your body's way of saying u want something? or are they the voice of your soul? wich one? and why can't any of them make sense? why does life have to be so complicated? is life not here to teach our soul the lessons for this grade. what grade am i in? was i alive a million years ago? what have i learned? why does it feel i have started at zero? why do i want to be irresponsible when i know it will make me sad? why doe smy heart conflict with my mind so. why cant i feel anythnig anymore? why can i never tell what i am feeling until the fucking lump comes back? why can i never tell what is going on inside my heart? why is my head always in a haze? why cant i think staright? what do my emotions have over my breathing? why couldnt i breath? what is the matter with me? why am i so different? what is going to happen to me? am i affectionate or am i a whore? why does everyone think a different thing? why does nobody ever tell the truth? why cant i tell the truth?


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