Sunday, January 28, 2007

wonder if anyone would notice if i did what greg sais he thinks he should do....or if i started drinking and smoking like aaron does.....or maybe just be simple and start cutting every day like i used to......or i could simply run away like i was planning to do with travis what seems a lifetime ago.....ofcourse i would be on my own if i did it today.....the only problem with all of thoses things......i would be giving up my dreams....how did they all give up on their dreams so easily?......i know dreams change, and u get new dreams......even if dreams go down the drain, you should always have hope that the next one will not.....then why does it seem like i am the only one with hope?......i have hope that greg will find his right path........i have hope that aaron will stop doing all this dumb shit and find the amazing beauty in life.....i have hope that travis will get to leave one day, but will not be running.....i have hope that he will find a life that makes him happy.....they all will......so why dont they have the same hope?........i dont understand.......i know i am ignorant and pretty well jsut stupid......childish for thinking such things of life.....and i know they are all lies.....that everyone is probably right and life sucks.....but what is so wrong with living with the bliss i am living in now?......i cant see what they see.......i dont understand what is so horrible about life......i mean, it kicks the shit out of you every day, yes, i guess that can suck at times......every promise made is likely to be broken......jsut as every time u trust someone will your heart, that will be broken aswell......the people u live with make every day more and more difficult......nobody seems to understand.......yea, that part of life sucks.....but doesnt anybody think that the good parts of life is at least a little worth the pain?.......i would go through a hell of alot worse of a life......just for the good parts.....like my perfect romantic summer with travis.....i would go through the pain of that just for the simple memories again and again. ......or the smile on dad's face when i was being a little nature princess and making a crown of long grass and flowers.......i would go through heartbreak every day again and again, just to have that smile......even just a simple walk in the woods, talking to the trees and loving life......i would go through all the pain in the world jsut to make sure the real places in the world were still there for people to visit......why am i the only to see that?......i get yelled at every day for the dumbest things by my parents, but it all worth it when we all sit down in the basement and watch a movie......life is not all crap......and i refuse to believe that this is stupidity or ignorance.....this is simple truth! life is fucking amazing. maybe you all are jsut too fucking immature or idiotic to get it! never fucking mind appreciate it. dont fucking try to tell me how to live, because u all are doing a pretty fucking shitty job at it. talk or drinking, cutting, and suicide, or talk of how shitty your life is because of a few problems, is all i hear from you. what the fuck is the matter with all of you? all of your lives, and i mean all of them, are a hole fucking lot better the most in the world, and u cant even see that life is worth it? i would take away all of your pain, all of it put together, and bring it upon only myself, make u all dumb and happy, if it would get u to see how amazing and beautiful life really is. but that wouldnt even work, cuz as soon as u break a fucking nail, life would suck shit again, and would be worth living. am i exxaggerating? cuz i really dont think so. i have heard all of you talking about how horrible life is, and that is not even what bugs me, cuz i know that life can be a bitch. what bothers me is that even when everything is okay, you still hate life. u are all fucking blind to true beauty, and if u all think life sucks so much, then give me a fucking gun and ill put you out of your misery!!!!!
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