Sunday, July 15, 2007

is everyon trying to hurt my happiness? you want to know something? i am miserable alot of the time. i still am the same person in many ways. i love the world and everything in it. i want to grow and learn and be better. even tho u gave everyone that little speech, greg, i still think josh is very much a man, and i admire so many things about him, and always will. and i have been told by one i hold very close to my heart, that he wants me to die. he wants me killed. i think that everyone should stop trying to hurt me, and hurt my heart, because when i read that little speech by greg, it made me feel nothing but pity for him. and when i read travis's post, i felt sadness, but not for myself. for him. i don't understand how they all fight so much against the natural flow of the universe. they fight so hard against happiness. i am truly happy that travis found his peace, or so i read. i have been praying for this for a very long time. and i keep hoping that one day greg will stop being so bitter, and will learn to be happy, and not to have to pick out everyone else's flaws to try and make himself feel like more of a man. the results are quite opposite, the way he is currently trying it. i still hold travis close to my heart, along with all my memories with him, and all my hopes for him in the futur. i still believe all the best things, the most admirable, and wonderful things of josh, whether or not greg agrees. and i am going to let thisd little bit of....annoyance out of my head and heart and onto this page, just so that i dont regret not saying it. greg, me and aaron have made some of the worst mistakes together, yea. maybe mom didnt hate you, but she wasnt very impressed by you either. she knew you were not someone who could keep me for long. everyone knew ythat. everyone except me, that is. so yea, me and aaron fucked up, and my mom now hates him. but guess what? its not what mom feels about him that matters most to me. its the fact that he makes me happy, even when we are fighting. its the fact that i dont have frequent thoughts of leaving him, even when i think i hate him. its the fact that unlike you, i can let him into my heart, like i did travis. he will never be the same to me as travis was, i dont think anyone ill. but he will be just as special. you didnt even get past the first wall. so just think about this. at least i have someone to make mistakes with.

i am not quite ready to grow up and keep all that kinda stuff to myself yet. and for once, i am hapoppy that i cant keep myself from being immature when it comes to speaking my mind about such things. because i know that it is not fair for me to say so, and that it is unnecisarry, but i guess being grown up it too subtle for greg to understand that him making excuses for whatever reason makes him look even more pathetic then he already does when he picks out other people's flaws. and u know what? ill bet you he is probably going to do nothing more then write a response saying how much of a bitch i am, and that i am lying, asnd all that shit. seriously, just wait. he wont think about the truth that lies in these words, or how to make himself better, or how to maybe try somethiung a little better then belittling everyone else. he will do exactly what he always does. so it is him i feel bad for. not aaron, who keeps making the dumbest mistakes ever. not travis, who wants me dead because his life is the shits, and thats how he wants to work it out. not josh, who broke greg's trust presumably. but greg. so fuck you, and have a good day!
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