Saturday, August 18, 2007

i jsut read my friends's sites for the first time in a while. a few days, at least. i have not checked in a few days. i found alot.

aaron is mad at me. i freaked out at home, and it got pretty bad. i was panicking and called him. i didnt want to be alone. he didn't come........he is angry, because i knew that he was hanging out with his band that day and that it was the first time for a long time. i'm sorry.....

i am not going to write how i am really feeling about that, because i know its just instict. i dont like being hurt.....

i read what travis wrote....now i know what you meant. .....i think, that i want to talk to him. i know that that will make things more difficult, for everyone, so i won't. at least, for the time being. i want to talk to him and see what is happening. i was to look at his hands again......i know that sounds weird. i dont care. i want to talk to him, and i want to pretend that it does not have any reaction from me, when i hear of the many things that i ask to hear, stupidly. i want to feel the pain that is not hidden. i don't want to be lied to. i dont want them to tell me they did not fuck. that they broke up. that they dont think of eachother. i want to hear every little bleeding, peircing detail. i was to feel my heart contract, and stop beating. i can't make anyone understand......

so many people i used to be friends with. or at least, i used to hang out with sometimes. to tell you the truth, i have grown from that. i have kept my face too blank, theses past years. i don't care if i have changed. i have changed for the better. i have learned. you hurt me. all of you. i can deal with that, but i don't have to deal with it a second time. the thing i miss most about cutting. it kept my heart cold, and solid against the outside forces. i could keep myself better seperated from the world. i could not feel for another. i felt for only him, and nobody else. i dont want all of that back. i did not like putting my relationship with my family in jeapordy like that. but, though aaron does not understand it, to make my heart cold again, to keep myself from clinging to something, i must have something new to cling onto. i need my cold heart back. i need to feel indifferent. i need to hide it from you when you hurt me, time and time again, with your searing hot words. my heart is now unprotected, and i wish to be strong again. i have not yet found another way, because i always let you in. i dont keep anything from you, ever. i need to learn to keep myself farther from you. that is how u willl get me to leave u alone. that is how i will keep myself from calling for you the next time i am wrapped up in my blanket, on the floor, cluthching onto my knife and shaking, concentrating so hard on breathing that my head hurt. i cannot be this lacking in control. i know i need to grow up, and learn to deal with this is a better way, but i am not there yet. i need the cold again. i miss the darkness. there is a music in the night, taht sets your spirit to soar. i want to embrace the night, the cold, the darkness, and the feel of being isolated from the world. i dont want to care whether or not the person who is supposed to be my friend goes and fucks him for half a year, then lies to me about it. i dont want to care whether or not he likes it better that way. i dont want to care that aaron wants me to back off. i dont want to care that my father doesnt want me. i dont want to care that my friends have their own problems, and that they are hurting. i want to be alone. i want to be cold again, concentrating so hard on the shivering that i dont notice the blood pooring out of the source of that cold feeling. you dont understand. you never have. i dont keep anything from you, and still you dont understand that part. i dont care if you drink. drink away. i am trying to make you happy. if you go too far, and start liking the feeling too mch, you will become more and more like your father, and if you do that, you will hate yourself. thats why i dont want u to drink. you already hate yourself enough, and i am having trouble already. i can deal with you hating me, but i dont want to deal with you hateing you. we have been best friends for a long time. that why i bug you so much. thats why i dont want u to drink. thats why i needed you, because i had two lifelines, two crutches to hold on to. you were one of them, and my knife was the other,. the only reason i called you is because u are so fucking stubborn, you would do ssomething stupid if i picked the other one, and returned to my cold, lonely haven. i chose to trust you, and you weren't there. im sorry if i am too clingy for you, but to tell you the truth, i needed you that day. i needed to be with someone, because if i had used my knife, then i would not have felt the pain. i would not have had to spend the night trying to ignore it. you got to play in your band, and i got to spend a day trying to ignore it. if it was the price of your happiness, then i am glad that i paid it, but if it was the price of your not wanting me around, then i regret ever calling u in the first place. it will be harder, without my knfe, but i will learn to live in the cold again. and if i hurt you when i said that not everybody could be travis, well, im sorry, but it's the truth. he would understand this. i dont regret anything in my life, that i have gone trhough,m or done myself. i do not reret even one decision. but i can tell you this now. nobody will ever be like he was. just like nobody will ever be like you are now. if you choose to take offence when i tell you something about travis that is different from anyone else, something i miss, or something i hate, or something i wish i still had, then thta is your choice. but next time, instead of being a little bitch about it, ask me what it is about you that is different.....

oh, and if enybody is offended by my writing this, the fuck youjrself up the ass , cuz i dont give a fuck. i have been very stupid in that past. i coudln't see who was really standing by me, and who was just there to get what they could out of it. there is still some confusing, but many of you have made it clear to me where u stand, and i will not let you pull a fast one on me again. funny thing is, u wont know a thing about it, so it wont hurt you. stupid of me to show you mercy, but there is nothing i can do to help that fact. hope you all burn in hell *hugs and kisses*
Comments (0)