Wednesday, October 22, 2008

just open your eyes and see that life is beautiful......

i miss my best friend, but i cant blame this on him or anyone but myself. he seems pretty happy with his gf tho, so i am happy for him. i just miss rubbing his little belly and hugging him around the waist. lol wow am i ever stupid.

broke up with shaun. thats okay tho. i think ill be happy enough single. have been before.

moving out on saturday. with andrew. he is cool. i jsut hope things dont go wrong with this. i jsut hope i can keep from trusting him. i dont want another best friend situation like before. dont really wanna be able to live through that.

i know that i have pissed off alot of people by cutting in the past, but i honestly dont know why they hate it so much. aaron drinks, greg gets high and drinks, shaun is just emo, and everyone just all of them have some way of doing their own thing. this is my thing. why cant anyone just accept me for it? i am not trying to sound emo and bitch about people not accepting me, but holy fuck, just get over it aready even if you dont like it.

im still constantly thinking of travis, every day. how fucking stupid am i? i mean, its over. he is not even in the same city. and even if he was here, there is no way anything would ever work out. i dont even know if i would want it to. i just miss seeing his face. i mean, when he was here, i got to see him every once in a while.

josh has been talking to me alot lately. he kissed me a few times too. i dont know how to react to that. i am not stupid enough to trust him again. i know he is just fucking with me and wants to get laid. thing is, i am fucking with him too. i dont want to get laid. for some reason, that has become much less important to me since i me and aaron broke up. guess its not the same. either way, i dont know what to do about josh. i dont wanna fuck with his head, but i honestly dont know what i want now. i mean, i cant trust him, just like i cant trust shaun. so there is no way i could ever grow to love him in the way that i should to be with him. ive not stopped loving either of them since the first time i felt it, but i mean, its a more kinda friend love. its not the same as travis, and definetly not the same as aaron.

....wow....i jsut read over this and realized how fucking emo it is.....lol oh well. nobody ever reads this anyways.
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