Thursday, June 25, 2009

I don't know how to tell him that i am looking for something different. something other than this life i have made myself in the past year. so much has happened since grad i am not sure how to take it all in. i think that i am in need of a big change, soon. i am still not so sure what to do though. i don't want to be alone, but i don't want to belong to someone in such an exclusive way that i feel like i am married off already. i am thinking about moving to toronto or somewhere far away but not too far so that i can't be with my family. i want to give this life up, and go to calgary to start a job as a flight attendant or something. anything. I just dont know what to do. i am crazy about kurtis but i am not sure about love. i dont know what love is anymore. i was always so sure i knew, but after aaron, everything seems so blurred. then after everything happened so fast . i didn't know what love was anymore. i didn't know why i felt the way i did after it ended. i knew that my feelings for shaun were nothing but slight affection, and a little bit of curiosity. and andrew? i just wanted to make him better. i had but only a glimps of his crazy mind and i thought i could help him fix it and be happy. well, once again , for all my intentions, i only made things worse. and now kurtis? well i am not even sure how to describe that yet, but i dont think it will take long to figure it out. its not very complicated. i know i am going to end up hurting him too. i just hope that all my work does not go to waste, and that he does not go back to what he was before me. i want him to be happy, just like i wanted for all of them.

even now i cant stop thinking about travis, even if most if not all of my friends hate him i have not seen for a while, and i would love to. i dont want to be with him, and i wouldn't dare try even if i did. my life is complicated enough, all because of my own doings, i know. but i have been thinking about it lately, why is it that i am always thinking of him? he started my chain of downhill choices. i cant blame it on him, but i can admit that our relationship and the power over and effect he had on me had alot to do with it. i can barely stand to think of who i used to be, in comparison to what i have become. i miss the simple days of walking in the moonlight with who i thought to be the love of my life, in my young childs mind, and driving in a fast car with someone who made my heart race, and wrestling around in the grass with my bunny, wondering if he could ever feel the way i do. its unbelievable how many people i thought i was meant for in the past. people whom i thought were meant for me. It was stupid, i know. now, thought i wont even try to know for sure, i think that i am not meant for anyone. i think that i am meant to meet new people and change lives. up to now it has only been for the worse, but hopefully ill learn to make people change for the better in the futur.
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