Tuesday, August 25, 2009

messages at 3 am
- you remeber how i was about travis, how i would never stop talking about him and i would see him every night and never get sick of him and how i could simply never get enough of him, and i would gladly give my life away to be with himm? and what about josh, do u remeber how long it took me to simply stop crying after josh? i was so crazy about him, he never asked me to change anything about myself and was always so wonderful, like a dream to me at the time?

-yeah, but i remeber a whole hell alot more about travis, i was not around much when the whole josh thinghappened. you were in that depressed not going to talk to anyone faze...

-okay well, the thing is, now that i have broken up with kurtis, they are both crazy again. travis still wants me back, and i still love him and he is still so special to me, but i dont think i can date him. we are way too different, it would just never work out. either way, i think we both just need a friend right now, and he has things that are way more important to concentrate on than dating. then there is josh. i hung out with hinm yesterday and everything was normal, but then he kissed me, and then started spouting things about how kurtis cut in line, and that he has been wanting a second chance with me for a long time now, and that he misses me and all sorts of stuff like that. now, i have been dreaming of this since he first broke up with me, but since then, i have not trusted him, and am not sure whether or not i ever could again so that it could be the same way it was.. i have grown up alot since then and i know how easy it is for a boy to make a love sick girl believe anything they want her to.

-well, i remeber travis being something special to you, always, but would u be able to be with either him or josh? would u be able to handle all that change? oh god.... he cut in line?!

-yeah, and you know its not only those two now-a-days.....

- spill.

-well, you remeber that boy eric i was talking about? at the time i was only saying anything because he was interesting and mysterious and delicious looking/ well, since then he has opened up to me alot, and he still does not know i am single because i am not sure if i want to risk this new friendship with him, because it seems like he is really starting to trust me , as a person, and not just someone to flirt with. now, i have no idea how things would ever go with him because i am not sure i trust him enough yet to even make an educated guess, but i think it might be something worth persuing...

-eric, is that the one with the tiny ***** ?

-lol! no i have not done anything with him. that was portage boy greg, and that was only one very stupid drunk night. lol he is trying to get with me to but we both know how good of a chance that is! eric is the big muscles blond country boy that is not my type but delicious anyways. remeber?

-lol wow another greg?! that name haunts you still to this day

-tell me about it. up to now there has been only one that i can still stand, after five years. lol anyways, he is definetly not an option. he has made it clear from the start that all he wants is sex, and i already know he is not so great at it, so he is so very out its not even funny.

- good choice on that one^^

- then there is one you dont know about... a new one i met not too long ago, and aparently we knew eachother before, through travis! isnt that fucked up?! anyways, i met him on friday, and we have been talking and hanging out ever since. now i have not tried anything, because i was serious about staying single for a while, and either way i am not sure what is there. its not the same thing as the passion i feel for travis, or the comfort and warm ferocity i feel for aaron, or the admiration i feel for josh. this one tho, he is different in the way that i feel so comfortable around him already and it has only been a few days. it feels like i have known him for ever. the only one i ever got that instant feeling for was josh, and that was just that i could trust him, this one it just feels like nothing can ever go wrong.... either way, i wanted just to be friends with him and get to know him, but last night he kissed me. nothing gross, like i expected, since all the boys lately who are trying for me keep giving me these pirey, i wanna have sex with you kisses. i hate that right now. lol this one was just a little peck, a little soft thing that made me feel all cuddly. but it the one i have given most thought to.

-okay.... wow.....where do u find them?1 lol alright well josh i think would really need to prove his shit before u even conciderr him. i know u are crazy about him and all but he broke your heart and your trust. you cant jsut be handing away chances to every guy that comes along. eric kinda same thing, just maybe hang out with him a few times as friends, dont tell him your single, and see what he is really like. he might be a possibility, but we dont know that yet. guys make good lyers if u want to believe what they are saying. travis, from what u told me, has alot of other things to concentrate on, and either way, your feelings for him will never go away, we already know that. so let him get his own life in order, let him prove himself to you, and not the other way around. i remeber everything u told me when u two were together, and i understand what u feel for him, but i also know how easy that makes it or him to tell u anything he thinks u want to hear. u can live without passion if its not safe. now, this new guy, i think if u feel so close to him, keep it up, but as friends. see if that kiss thing changed anything between u two, and justt go from there. it might have just been a instinctual thing, and u dont know him yet, dont trust him yet, and either way u should jsut wait. wait and see whether or not u like him and trust him as a friend, because otherwise its useless to even try for anything. but try and figure it out before he steals your heart nd u fall in love with him, like u did with aaron, because that will prolly end badly. dont put your best friend on the line for a boyfriend, because u know u dont want to feel that again.

-so, to summ it up, travis has to concentrate on himself, so he is a no. kurtis is a definate no, because he cant give me the space i need. josh has to prove himself, and would be a dream if he did, but that is up to him, so we will see, about the same for eric, just hang out and see who he really is and if he would be a possible interest, and the new boy, well, just same thing. see who he really is, and go from there. now, one more problem to solve. ......

-what might that be dear?

-how the fuck to i get them all to leave me alone long enogh to figure this shit out?!?!?!?!?!?

-lol well, that one i am not sure if i can help u with. maybe leave the country for a while? oh wait, but no. there are new pretty boys everywhere in the world, we dont want to broaden our horizons. what about steal away in a dark cave somewhere for a few months with a big pile of books, and just wait it out? or u could do what u usually do, and just drown yourself in work?

- that last one sounds like it may be a possibility. maybe ill try that one . lol/

-now, anything els ei can help u with tonight before we both passs out?

-no, i think that is just about it for that little can of worms. we can tackle the other ones tomorrow. after coffee maybe?

-sounds delightful love.

-hey... thanks for being around....you know i am always there for u too...

-i know hon. i like having u around too. and i was just returning the favor for the other night^^ now we are even!! well, for a few days anyways,, till something else comes up. lol!

-lol true true. anyways, sleep sweet and thanks again^^

-sweet dreams
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