Friday, December 11, 2009

...... whats wrong with me.....? i am living through every day, getting worse and worse for myself and i dont understand any of it.... eric was making me happy...and i was on my way to being the independant i have always wanted to be. i did not need him, but i wanted him.,....

why do i turn into a jealous spiteful sarcaastic person?

why did i make him unsure of me?

why did i not lie when i should have

he is unsure of me
what does that mean
unsure of my sanity
unsure of my ability to make him happy
unsure if he wantsw me to be with him this winter
or maybe he just does not want me at all anymore
i am no longer jut an easy lay
thats all i have ever been to anyone, so why should this be any different

i stopped being travis's easy lay when i fell in love with him and wanted him for myself
everything he said hurt me because of my own insecurities
i dont blame him for anythiong he did
what was he supposed to do, with my mind twisting everything the way it does

i remeber how much hatred seemed to be in aaron's eyes neaar the end of it. dont blame him either.
its as if something goes right, and i have to change it. i have t do everything in my power to push them away, even if my heart wants nothing more but than to keep them
maybe that is what i am doing now\
maybe the reason i am like this is because i am not meant to be with anyone
maybe the reason i throw everything up and swtill dont loose weight is that i am not meant to look good enough to keep anyone
maybe the reason i stioll cut after all this time is that i never really wanted to stopo
why woulc i want to sstop
whats the point, when my mind is so self destructive aswell
i may aswelll help out with my body too\
maybe i cant keep a smile on my face unless i am very drunk, or very high, becausse its easy to lie then
maybe i give private dances because the deperate pathetic men who buy them think i am beautifulo despite all of this
they dont look at the scars
they dont wonder if i ever eat
they are happy i am drunk
because i seem more gettable that way
bring the little drunken psycho home
any maybe she will hope to mend her little swtupid broken heart
maybe she will be deperate enough and drunk enough to fuck you silly
she wont remeber in the morning anyways
so it does not matter


i wish i was high....
i wish i was drunk now
or maybe that i was normal?

....i wish i was brave enough to die.....
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