Friday, January 15, 2010

i keep getting texts from greg....i dont think he actually knows what really happened. like i always kew that he did not know to the extent that it affeted e, and how much it fucked me up in all of my next relationships, how it kept me from trusting anyone since..... but i mean, i at least thought he knew somewhat that it was bad. i know he cant and never could read m mind, and since i never told anyone to the extent it fucked me up, he could not have found out, but its only common sense. to break someones trust and hurt them to that extent would fuck up a noral girl, ot to mention someone as untrusting and vulnerable and stupid as i was. i guess i should not be angry, because i am rediculously different now because of it. there is no way i could have done what i have done in the past year or so without it. i never would have been able to get through loosing aaron without some strenth and pain to fall back on. but i guess josh helped with that too. those two, josh and greg, were probably the worst choices of my life.. but it taught me to be heartless and cold when i need to be, and how to keep myself from getting hurt. it taught me never ever to trust anyone to that extent again, and if i do get hurt, it is my fault for trusting the person who hurt me to the point of their being able to hurt me. after everything that almost killed me in those years, my dad, my best friend aaaron, travis, and everybody, i started to learn.i am glad i learn pain, and happy i now know how to control it and keep it down. i am not a stupid little innocent girl anymoer, that will just let people like greg and josh walk all over them. i know how it feels to be used. know it very well, and so i learnt to do it myself, and now i have found someone that i have no wish to use, or be used by. but i have never been able to trust easy, at least, not after greg. that is when everything started to go wrong. but without everything that almost killed me after what he did, after all the attempts to forget, to get away from pain, without all of that, i would never have been strong enough to leave home, or work with no self-respect. i would not be here. i would be dead. or just another weakling, aother useless user of oxigen. i know too many of those. i am not the girl who would look at you, with big scared eyes, and ask you for love. and i will never be here again. thanks to him. i will not trust, and i will never be blind like that again. i refUse. HE HURT ME TO THE POINT of atttempted suicide, and i will not be hurt like that again, specially for someone like that. i left, on the brink of very heavy drugs, constantly cutting, never ever sober, either from alcohol, or soemthing stronger, taking my clothes off constantly to keep myself from falling behind on bills. i left, just out of a relationship that got me in too much legal trouble for a 19 year old girl. taught me that to keep my heart from breaking when my dad makes me wih i was dead, i just have to keep him, and everyone else, out of my heart. taught me to believe and trust only in god, in the universe, and in the angels to keep my heart lifted from what people like greg and josh and kurtis tried to crush it into. i never thought i would say this, but there is a reason that i have tried my hardst to forget all of you, and everything that has ever happened between us. any time i ever start to think of it, i no longer feel the pain of betrayal and broken trust,or of being used time and time again, being destroyed. all i feel is a cold and empty void that used to be a big part of me. like you took a knife and cutt out everything that was good in me, and now all i have left is little bits that are incomplete, complicated, and dont make any sense. i think i am much smarter now, and i know how to keep my heart and self safe. i know alot more now than i used to, but lost a big part of myself learing it. you tried to kill me, but you failed. now, what is left behind, does not feel anything for you but digust, pity, and for some more than others, hate. thaks for making me what i am now. but you are no longer needed, since you no longer have any say, or effect over my life, or my heart.
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