Thursday, November 22, 2012

I know this is going to get old real fast, but fuck, am I ever lonely. like not the kinda lonely that means I just needa lay, or even just any guy. not any guy will do. I mean, david? maybe like five monthes ago, that would have worked. Oleg? maybe, if reality were different and he were allowed here. I think, possibly, the guy im so craving right now I have not met yet. And I doubt i will meet him until I stop needing a man in my life to please, and to please me. It just feels so wasteful...I am soo soo lonely, would love someone to hold, to sleep next to, and take their arm around mine and their leg tangled up with mine and stick my big butt in their tummy <3 and i am soo sooo good at being loving. I mean, I have a tendency to lie sometimes, but thats just because I always enter the next relationship while still hardboring feelings for the last guy, without fully letting go. And i lie, because i dont want to admit, that when im lying next to david, im thinking about oleg, etc.. everything else i was brutally honest about. I just didnt want to hurt david. fuck im an idiot sometimes.
oh well. obviously i am meant to be single at the moment. because i still have feelings for david, a little bit, and i still have feelings for oleg, alot. and nobody is giving me anywhere near enough butterflies to forget about either, nevermind both of them. If i knew i could do this and not get attached, I wouldd love to have a guy friend with benefits. But like an actual friend. someone that cares about me as a friendd, doesnt push me to have sex all the time, just likes to hang out with me and watch movies and go shopping and chill out and smoke uup, but is not my boyfriend. and ofcourse when we are both feelin it we have sex. but there is another problem. how do we stop that from becoming something boyfriend girlfriend like? ugg okay now im just thinking outloud.
i just need a distraction. a good one, not any more bad ones. Please God? send me the right person to take care of me, become a close friend, and satify me all at the same time, without being in any way jealous or controlling of needy??? mm and if im allowed to be picky, would love one with big pretty eyes, and dark hair. whether it be man or woman, i hope they are sweet, and loving, and do everything I need them to. most likely a man though. It just doesnt feel like the same level of safty and comfort to have a womans arms around you in bed. but who knows, maybe ill meet someone to change my mind!
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