Wednesday, January 9, 2013

feeling quite full of life today :) frank is starting to get off my ass, which is nice, david is a good friend as he always has been, Oleg and I barely speak to eachother, which I think is a very good thing, and helping me truly just let go. I am single and alone and loving it. My crush on Miguel is only getting worse by the day, and better by the day. I refuse to take this quickly, or lightly. This one is different. If I take this jump, Im in for the long run, Im in to fight. But im not ready to make those decisions yet, and for once, this is a guy that doesn't ask me to hurry up and figure it out. He seems to be quite content as I with taking things very slowly. He has only ever kissed me, and although that is sooooo different than the regular realtionships I have had for quite a few years now, I think that may be the only way to give it a real chance. I have always jumped right into relationships, jumped into bed right away, fallen wayy too quickly, and it had never ended well. Not once. This is my chance to break this bullshit cycle that I have formed in my life, and I think Miguel is the right guy to change it for. I have cheated on a boy before, while I was unhappy, and felt stuck in a relationship. But I can't see ever cheating on Miguel. He and I are getting to be so close as friends, that the idea of betraying him makes me want to throw up. I am not even dating him yet, He could be kissing or sleeping with five girls on side of kissing me, and he has every right. who knows, but the point is, that even though we are not dating, I still dont want to kiss any other man. It feels like if i did, I would be cheating on myself, my own true feelings in my heart.
Eric came over about a week ago, to talk. I broke off our little "relationship" before christmas, told him that having a playmate made me feel cheap, and worthless. And he wanted to talk, so came into the city and we did just that. He told me that I am the one for him, he doesnt want anyone else, he loves me unconditionally, and that he doesnt think he could ever get this feeling for any other woman... He is so strong and doesnt show emotion, and I did not like seeing him cry like that....I know that what we had was big, I was ready to marry the guy, but that was a long time ago, and we long since have grown apart. We want different things, we dont really fit anymore. And I told him so. He said he would still like to be friends, but also told me that his new years resolution was to do whatever he could to gain my trust again. He wont let up wanting me back. It really bothers me, and has stopped me from hanging out with him, even just as friends. It breaks my heart to see him so lonely. I think if he only gavee another girl a chance, he could finally let go. He is going to have to, because I am not walking backwards. Fuck, Im not even looking backwards!
This situation with Miguel worries me alot, as he is Davids friend. And we work together, and we are neighbors, and he is my best friends cousin. Ugg there are so many reasons that it would be a good idea to stay away from eachother. But then I would be lying to myself... and I really am not sure if any of these reasons are good enough to keep me away from him. He really does have a fantastic special way about him that makes me smile soo big :) I truly hope that this is real, and I am soo down to find out, to take the proper time to get to know him, to let my heart not only completely clear itself out beforehand, let go of all hardships of the past few years, and start off on a clean slate. I am soo excited about all of the things, the feelings and excitement I want to find out with him, but I am controlling my usual first reaction and just trying to be myself, and take it as slow as my heart truly needs, while controlling my libido. I think, maybe, I might be growing up a little :) And if this is truly on its way to being real love, then the man will wait for me :) And for the first time in my life, I will have a special, romantic, nerve racking, first time. It's not gonna be a drunken romp, or an unexpected surprise that went to far. I want more than anything for this to be special, and like in a few monthes, or more. Not like tomorow or next week. Positive thinking, and much strength :)
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