Friday, September 23, 2005

im fucking miserable and have no idea why. i had a pretty good morning i guess, but now all i want to do is cry and scream and fucking kill mysle.f i mean, ive felt this way before, many times, but i just have no idea why. i dont think anything bad happened, except for greg being a complete dumbass in his won way, and realizing that i am sevearly homesick. this place aint a home to me, its just a fucking hell on earth. well, not all of it i guess. i think i`ve fucked up my life. i hate myself for it. greg was right in the first place. i mean, not about everything, definetly, but still, he was right about some pretty important shit and i think im gonna go fucking crazy like this. its been happening alot lately, this feeling. im back to hating my parentss so fucking much, back to loveing school cuz its a retrat, but hating it cuz it only brings me to yet another cage. im back to wishing i was in pain physically, instead of this. god, i wish i could just get struck down by lighning or something. i wonder if anyone besides my family would miss me. maybe shley would, and lex and ash and trav, maybe, but thats basically it. my family, sure they`d miss me, but not all of them would. dad would probably be happy he didnt have to pay my colledge, leanne would have one less to compete with, and shaeleigh wouldnt have to try so hard to make me want to fucking rip her face off by acting exactly like me and copying every fucking thing i do. i dont think anybody from here would miss me, i mean, none of them actually knowe me. maybe lizbef would miss me. ofcourrse. i dnt know how i fucked up my life so much like this. my life was so much more simple and alot more painless when i was home. god, no fucking wonder i never wanted to live in the city. i really hate it here. whatever, its what i have right now, so whatever. i guess im really lucky, i mean, i have my own private group of fake friends and illegal jerks who pretend to give a shit. thats not a good thing to say i guess, they`re all wonderful. i guess im just sad cuz they arent the same to me as they are to everyone else. i have but myself to blame. ive become everything that i hate.
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