Thursday, December 1, 2005

i don't know what to do, don't know how to feel. i think i'm scared. i wish he wasn't mad at me. i need to talk to him. i wish i could talk to her too. i hate admiting that i need help, but i think i do. i couldn't sing today. usually, it's what i count on to make me feel better. i'm going to the scary place today, if i can. i want to stop. it's getting worse...this is off the subject, but oh my god he couldn't have picked a worse time to bug me about my arm. same for she. whatever. they have no way of knowing what i have never told them....travis sais he should have done more to keep them from doing all that...he still doesn't understant that him trying to keep them from doing what is right would only make things harder for me, so if he meant trying to help me, he's kinda a little wrong. i wanna talk to Mari. i need her help. i really miss talking to her. i'm not afraid of telling her all of it. i don't think i can keep doing it. i mean, i can, but i can't. lol.......sigh.....i don't mind going to scary place. it wasn't scary before, but today i am terrified. i really did wish greg wasn't mad at me. at least he tells me the truth...same for mika....i feel bad for walking away, but i am tired of people thinking that i'm cutting myself bad or them telling me what to do. today...it's like i'm in a nightmare or something. nothing is there, i'm dreaming and i will wake up. i can't see anybody...but they are there....i don't know, i can't explain it. i just want to leave and go somewhere far away. i wish i could go explore a new land...try and live off of the land. chances are i'd be dead withing the first day....but at least i would live my dream for a day...going to a new place, alone in the middle of a forest...probably get eaten by a bear or drown myself or eat poisionouse berries or get bitten by a snake or something. seems like something i would do. i want to leave and go somewhere. even if it is only the swinging bridge. as long as i am not here. i don't want to go to the scary place again...although, i know i have to....whatever. i will never be able to live my dream....by the time i am old enough not to be trapped behind bars....the place will no longer exist....and i can't now...i mean, i can always run away...yea...i could do that...sigh...i don't know what to do....help?
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