Monday, December 5, 2005

i am still slipping by unoticed. being a girl, i think is in a way worse then being a boy. i still want to leave, although i am crossing the idea from my list of choices. for now anyways. i read about mika and her fear of her father. i didn't think there was anyone else afraid of their father. well, i used to be afraid of him. sometimes i still am. he hasn't yelled at me for a long time. i doubt he will yell at me now. if he yells at me, wich i hope he does, for i deserve it for my stupidity and neglecting my responsibilities, i will just let him yell at me. i still want him to hit me. i want anyone to hit me. i deserve being yelled at and being hit...i think i really miss talking to greg. he didn't yell at me or hit me, but at least he told me what i needed to hear. definetly not what i wanted to hear, but what i needed to hear. i miss that. oh well, as always, i fucked up things on my own. if i want to be hurt and hit and in pain, i have to do it mysel. i won't, because i know it won't do anything but make things worse, so i will go without the pain. i mean, i guess it the good thing to do. pain is but the easy way out...my enthusiasm for singing seems to be dessipating quickly. now, i go to choir only to stand or sit, pretend to be singing, but unable to force any air out of my throat and make a sound. i am, almost constantly in some sort of subtle pain. this pain however, seems to be coming from headaches mostly. i have stopped taking medicine for them, for i don't think it's doing anything. there is no point taking medicine every 4 hours of pretty much every day to get rid of headache if the headache still doesn't go away. all i'm doing is putting unnatural substances in my body, making me even less healthy then i already am...i am starting to not see any point in going to the corner. i am barely spoken to unless somebody wants something, or if they are asking me whats wrong. i hate that so much. only because of a lack of smile on my face, they assume that there is something wrong...went on a feild trip today, imax. i've been noticing lately, and again today, more then once, that i am dizzy and light headed and weak. i don't know why. i've eaten breakfast and lunch today, both more then usual. i haven't done much but sit around since this morning, so i couldn't have spent much energy...i took a shower yesterday and saw a bunch of bruises on my leg, probably from jumping on the ice, and, offcourse, falling a few times....i think the year or so that i've lived in the city has changed me immensly. although i am still very much the same, some of my perspectives have changed. i am starting to see how people really are, the people whom i've spent my whole childhood. i am starting to see how large the world is, and how lucky i am to be alive. i am also starting to see how stupid and ignorant i have been. how irresponsible and brainless. i am ashamed of so much now, regret so many things. whoever reading this, if u are someone who knows me in person, you probably think you know exactly what events i'm talking about. well, i can pretty much guarentee that you are wrong. i have kept so much from you. except for two people, no one here knows anything much about me. yes, u may know stuff that happened, stuff that i can tell you from day to day, but, then thing is, non of you ever knew or know what i felt during all of this, or what i feel now. the few times i tried to explain it, you never understood. i don't think u ever will...
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