Wednesday, January 4, 2006

you still don't seem to understand...i am crazy about you...i try not to show it...i tell myself that it is only an infatuation...a strong one maybe...since i can't seem to stop thinking about you at all...for six monthes, i don't think i've stopped thinking about you every hour of every day...i thik im going crazy...i hope the new year brings joy to everyone...i hope the new year will make my sweetheart feel better...lord knows i've tried to do it myself...i will continue trying...but, the fact that i know nothing of the sort is kinda working against me...i am going to supper with my dad on sunday...i dont want to...shaeleigh will be there...i dont want to see my dad...i love im so much...i hate him! i dont want to see him, then say goodbye once again...im so onfused about him! i want to be with him, learn everything about him, know him, but at the same time i never want to see him again, bease if i do, i will only be lied to again and i will have to say goodbye and i will be trying so damned hard to make him proud of me and make him smile at me and it wont work because it never does!!!well, i guess im already doing all of that, only not every day since i only see him like once every two monthes now. i dont even see him once a month anymore! sometimes it is three four monthes before i see him again! i fucking hate it! i never want to see him again! i want to see him every weekend like i used to! i hate saying goodbye! i never want to leave him! i cant fucking stand him! i hate him !he is a stranger! he doesnt know a thing about me the fucking ass hole and he calls himself my dad! he hurts me so fucknig much it makes me sick! that isnt true, i am making myself sick over him. there is a difference. but i just cant help it! he makes me so mad! i would do anything for him, if only he asked! but it doesnt fucking matter, he doesnt give a shit! i cat even make the man smile! i am fucking pathetic. i should not be bitching about him at all, but simply leave him alone. seems like what he wants, so why not? because i love him so much i want to be with him and i want to learn everything about him and i want him to lvoe me back....it will never happen. ive been trying for my whole life, although it has not been very long yet, it is still a long time for me. i have only one thing to say about him....he is my hero, my torturer, my father and a stranger...i love him...
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