Sunday, April 9, 2006

you said you read what i wrote. i suppose that means you are already annoyed with me. that is okay, because i've warned you not to read theses things, for you will become more and more annoyed with what i write. i don't blame you for that though. i know i always write the same thing. well, if you want to get even more annoyed with me this day, then read on, and if not, then the smart thing to do would probably be just stop reading now. there wont be anything new, to your standards. only to me this is new, and more of what i am feeling, 9i do not write here. most of it i keep a secret. from everyone.

i did not go to church this morning. i wanted to go, but i didn't. but, at least i didn't wake up bawling, as i was when i went to sleep. it doesn't matter how i woke up, i am still weak enough to be ashamed of myself. i keep feeling so much, that i shouldn't be feeling. i tried to become unattached to everything, and everyone. this proved to be alot harder then i expected. i tried not to care enough to get hurt. that failed. then, after i did get hurt, i tried to keep myself from getting hurt again, the same way. that also failed. i tried to tell myself i didn't care about people whom, i would give my life for. i told myself i did not care about someone, i acted it, and tried to feel it that way, yet, i find myself reaching for the black diamond everytime i feel lonely or uncertain. loneliness, uncertainty, other things i tried to keep myself from feeling. i will improve, i hope. i can't keep letting people into my heart so easily. it is so easy to get hurt. i met alex only once in person, and on the phone a few times before, and already i feel close to him. i felt as if we were already friends. as before, i know i am not a second thought even to him or any other one of the people i care for, but, at least for a while, i let myself believe it. i don't know why. it only makes it hurt more in the end. i think i may have hurt travis today. he thought i did not want to talk to him. he got angry and signed off. after he signed off, i was also angry, saying many things at an empty screen. why is it, that i am always typing to an empty screen, after people sign off? i suppose it's to make a pretense of telling them things i would regret later. later on, after i signed off the computer, wich was only about 1 minute after he did, i went to the kitchen and sat on the counter, and just stared out into nothing. i don't know why. i kept picking up the phone, then hanging it up again. i did this a few times. between every time, i went back to the counter to sit down and stare. i just don't et it. then i thought, maybe i am trying to grow up too fast. i want to grow up, and i suppose it's because i've always thought that being grown up meant understanding everything alot better. fuck, what a lie! so many grown ups in my life don't understand shit. well, i like being a kid, but i want to learn and understand too. this doesn't mean becoming a grown up, it just means trying harder, thinking about problems and solving them the right way. that is what i think now. i don't know what i'll be thinking later. i kinda hope nobody will read this, because i know it is a bunch of gibberish. i think, a feeling i love very much right now, and am always trying to feel, is the feeling of when i wake up, hearing birds singing, and having a whim of the dream, still lingering in my imagination, coming from a deep sleep into an early morning. i was lucky today. i woke up to birds singing, for the first time this year. as soon as i heard it, i opened my window, and jsut lied there, still dozing. it felt wonderful. i only hope i am not the only one who got to hear it. it's like heaven, waking up like that. what i am going to learn now, is how to enjoy life more, on my own. i've always enjoyed life with somebody, whether it be my family, my friends, or....lol , well, travis. now, i'm going to learn to be alone. it won't be as easy. i think, after that magical summer, it will be hard, but i'll learn. i think, i am already learning. i mean, i know now that nobody will be in my life forever, so i can't depend on anybody. i will learn to depend on only myself. doesn't mean i have to be alone all the time, only means that i have to stop depending on people. i can't depend on my family anymore. i don't think i ever should have in the first place, or, after being let down so many times, kept on doing it. i think i'll be able to stop depending on them easily enough, with what is going on now. it's travis and greg that will be the two that will be hardest not to depend on. greg always makes me so happy by doing the smallest of things, like smiling, or telling me about how he met his new girlfriend, or letting me read the new song he wrote. that always makes me happy, but i won't depend on it. traiv,s well, a smallest thought of him can make me happy for a day, and i often depend on him to make me happy that way. i won't anymore. i don't wsant to take off his necklace though. i've had it on without taking it off for a pretty long time. i won't feel the same without it. and i know i'm not supposed to feel the same, i am supposed to change, and thats what i'm trying to do, but i don't think i want to take it off. i feel so differnt then, not in a good way. weell, i know all of this makes no sense, but i don't care. and i don't think anyone else will either, so thats ok. yesterday, i was vrying so hard, for not being able to go to chruch, i thyink that will be the hardest part. i knoqw i won't stop looking forward to going to church every week, but i will have to try not to feel so much for it, because it has become a weakness in me, wanting to go to church. i was weak for crying like that, only for having to wait another week. that's what made me start thinking of all this. church, and being with family of heart. all of them, at the church, i count as my family now. i know they don't feel the same way, i am simply way too emotional and childish, but that is okay. i don't mind. i have to go now, i am going to make a necklace and a ring for a girl at church, to match her earings(maman and papa will drop the roses off for me, and i didn't want to write her name because i wasn't sure if it was ok). hopefully i will be able to bring them to her next week. goodbye for now.
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