Tuesday, April 11, 2006

i was happy. i am not so much anymore. i want to go get mom. people never have actual reasons for why they say so to me. i suppoose everyone, including me, is that way, even though dont always realize it. it sucks. its miserating. i don't really wanna go get mom at work, i just want to go somewhere. i want to walk into bois des esprits and pass out on the little wooden bridge, or besides woodie. i visited him last week. he seems to be doing good. the little wooden bridge is almost under water. figures. i want hard fast rain to come down with thunder and lightning. i want to be apart of it again. it feels like i am actually living. for real. it's a whole world of chaotic wonder and fury.

i was talking to fairy today. he dreamed with me, as we always do when we are talking. i think, he is 9 yrs older then me?lol, i dunno, something like that. he has all of my dreams the same. we don't agree on everything though. he said the most beautiful birds should be put into a golden cage, and kept to share it's beauty. i said any bird should be let free, not kept in a cage. he said that when he gets married, he will provide for his wife and himself and their family. i said, well, what if the wife wants to work? and he said, doing what? and i almost yelled at him! lol. it was funny. but in egypt, i suppose, women don't work as much as men still. i am going to egypt, as my first world adventure. i was talking about life, and how wonderful and beautiful it is to me, to travis. i know it is horrible, aswell, and he knows that i know that i think. he was not answering me, so i stopped to think, well, ive eprobably bored him with all that crap about my dreams and such, so i said sorry for sounding so stupid and idiotic, and he said, well, thats ok, but....yea. i guess that is only my own stupidity, but i mean, are my dreams that stupid? what's wrong with wanting good? i mean, traveling the world, i've always wanted that. it's not like i want world peace, i mean, that really is impossible, and it would make everybody the same in a sense and im sure i would hate it. i mean, im not really trying to change the world,. nor do i want to. i am only trying to see its beauty instead of all the ugliness. i am trying so hard to see all the good stuff in life and accept everyone and everything as they are and it's so hard, but i think i'm doing an....ok job at it. i mean, i've made new friends, and i am trying to be there for my family nad trying to be more responsible and grown up for their sake, and i suppose my own also. i am trying so hard to do it well, but it soo hard. at the same time, i feel as if i am not even a little part at all in dad's life, and i want to see him so badly and fuck i hate all of this. but i shouldn't be talking like that because its only frustration talking because i know my life is wonderful up to now, and i know that i wont hate this all the time once i calm down but it doesn't fucking matter. it's like im in a cage. i am not sure if i want to leave, i mean, cage or not, it's my home now. and if i do leave, i will come back, i know. i want to sleep so much, and just escape from reality again. i mean, reality isn't bad, but my dreams are so unreal and so totally wonderful. mean, not all the time. i have nightmares too, actually, some of them that i remeber still, but i mean, at least they are my own. not only travis. everyone. absolutely everyone, except maybe fairy(only cuz he has alot of the same dreams as me) don't understand or care about my dreams. they think my dreams stupid and ignorant and vain and childish. but then again, they don't understand them, or see them as i do. they see butterflies and bunnies. but, they do not see the heartbreak, the pain, the death, the killing, the stealing, the caos that are in my dreams. i think, if i had told anyone about all of my dreams, i mean all of them, they would think me a split personality, but with more then two personalities. i dont think i've ever told anybody about all my dreams. not even half of my dreams. it doesn't matter.

i am going to be spending lotz of time with estelle soon, she is going to help me make new clothes, and she is going to start reiki with me again. i can't wait. i am very excited for that. that, is something, i have to admit, i cannot help looking forward to and depending on. it will do me good. i will try and focus on strengthening my will, my heart, and my spirit.

i am going to go. i hope nobody reads this. i wrote it ate at night enough, so i dont think anyone will. bye.
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