Monday, May 15, 2006

i just realized something. i never thought of it that way. my loyalties, splitting in two ways. when it is a little fight between friends at school, it easy to stay out. when it is between two brother, of wich i am in the middle. it is different. i really did not know what to say at all. it scared me, because it was true. but, what he said was true too. it scares me so much. why would they do that? do they know it? they are so different. one, does not have faith. other, lives in a dream. i would love to live in a dream like that, but at the same time, i would love to have the realizm instead, and know what to do with life. i don't know what to do.

i am not going to write that i am worried. i am learning , or trying to learn, to hide as much as possible from anyone i know. i can handle it on my own. it is less complicated. maybe, they only think i am worried when i write it down here. they think, maybe without wanting to, that i am only feeling things when i am writing them here. then why would i be crying allalone if i wrote that i was happy? whatever. i only hope she will be ok.

i wonder what life would be like if mom and glenn died. would i live with dad? would justing fight to keep me with him at home? i hope so. i love dad very much, and i would never want to hurt him, but i could never live without justin there. i could stay here and work. maybe get a second job, to keep my mind off things. mom said that if i want to stay here, justin would bring dad to court. i wonder if that is true...

i haven't seen dad in a long enough while. i want to see him. that's all i should say, because i am about to begin with what has been happening, and i don't want anyone to know. i'll stop.

he said i should know when i need help. i don't need help. i really can handle this. all by myself. no help. i asked for help from him. i can't do that again. i will handle this myself. if i can't handle a few things on my own now, if i ask for help everytime i feel like....this, then how am i ever to be independant enough to live by myself. i am fine, i can handle it. he wants me to ask for help, to tell him some, if not all of it. i will not be weak again. i tried to keep myself from crying last time, it didn't work at all. this time, i will do everything myself, i don't need anybody's help. i won't cry or resort to cutting or drinking or anything like that. i can't do it on my own. i only hope i am still whole when it's over and the next stage of this comes to me.

faith. different. make-belief. i don't want to go. i will say goodbye. i can't go again. i am going tonight again. i don't want time to keep going, but i do. i will have to say goodbye. he scares me much. i can't stop thinking about...it. he doesn't fucking get it! godamn you! i hate you! you lied to me! i am jsut like everyone else! u have any idea how much your lies did to me. i should not believe anybody! it will never end. i said it will end, i said i hoped i would be whole. it doesn't end. it haunts you feorever. at least, it has until now. i want to see him. i miss him. go to hell! you don't get it. if you do, u will. get hurt! it hurt's so much. you will regret it. fuck you. i can't. this is so tireing. i want to leave. i won't i will stay and learn whatever lesson this is to teach me. i will not run away godammit! don't fucking try it! it hurts too much.

i don't know. should i? why should i accept it? i will not! or i will? i don't know. why does it always have to end like that. fuck you. it doesn't exisst! it is a fairy tale! fuck you! it doesn't exist! it is fake! it is a fairy tale! it has been fucking proven that it doesn't exist. why do i still hold my faith to it? why do i still dream? i hate it. fuck it!
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