Monday, October 16, 2006

i dont care what u say or think. i have been completely blind. you dont love me and u never did. i was right the whole time. i awnted to think only good of you. i lied to everyone because i believed in you. i have never felt so dissapointed in my life. not of you. of myself. i cant believe some of the things ive done. i hate it. fuck, i am an idiot. i now spend sleepless nights thinking of just how much u meant to me, and of how much i thought i meant to you. i don`t think that part matters anymore. what matters is that i really will not make that same mistake again. you can hate me, wish for me to burn in hell. that is a wonderful thing. you told me you would always love me and never get over me, never would forget me. you are about to do what u did to me, to a close friend of mine. thats fine, its her choice. but can`t you see that everything you told me was a lie? if it wasnt, you would have done something. you never did. never. i am not mad at you, nor do i hate you. i am angry at myself, and hate the person i have become. you would not have stayed. if something would have happened, you would not have stayed. i dont know if u really did believe that u loved m, or if u knew you were lying, but either way, you know now that i was right, and the only person it has been hurting the most is me. i can't sleep. i can't think. i want to cry all the time. not because of you. because of my own choices. i am happy we are apart. i know now there was a reason i was always angry with you. you and i dont belong together , and we never did. as for my no-longer-ex, i am not saying i love him, or that he loves me, but he doesn't lie to me. and i am not lying to him. i am actually always telling him the truth. he knows about all of it, and we are actually working at everything together, instead of me trying to make things work, and you fucking about with other girls. i am not scared of you anymore. you are no longer any danger to me. i see now who you are, and what u can do to me. wich isnt much anymore. i am stupid, it took me almost a year and a half to figure it out, while it should taken only a minute. i saw the good in you, and i hate myself for it, because once i saw that little flickre of hope, i let my imagination take over. i am very sorry i had to make that particular mistake, but i suppose everything happens for a reason. right now, i dont care. i jsut want to stop thinking. i am not upset over what happened between you and i, because it was meant to happen. i am upset over the risk i took, almost loosing the one who actually trusts me, and whom i know i can trust. i never could trust you. not your fault, you never understood that u have broke n my trust so many times. sometimes, if u break something more then once, it is unfixable. i am hoping that what is left inside of me is still able to somehow be fixed, and that i can one day go back to giving a real smile once in a while, instead of forcing one out. i wish u the best of luck in your life. i would ask you to try and not hurt carly, but i wont. its her choice what she does, not mine. im sorry for everything, but then again, you should be too. not the stupid little childish sorry u say when u think i am angry. i dont think ive ever heard a sincear sorry out of you. i mean a sorry that is not meant to make only yourself feel better. well, either way, thats life, and you are who u are, and i am who i am. i doubt you will read this, and i dont really care. i am jsut happy its all over, so i can finally stop being so blind. so that i can see again. so that i can live again, without fear of anything coming up behind me and stabbing me in the back.

did u know? i have almsot completely stopped lying to my mom, and we are getting along great. oh, and technically, i am not dating him, because i told mom about him and she thinks i am still too young to date, so she tol me to wait. she lets me hang out with him though, and it is pretty much as dating. we hold hands and watch movies and he makes me smile alot, and we talk for hours and hours about absolutely everything, and it feels wonderful. we are not sneeking around, or keeping anything from mom. or anybody. we dont put up false pretenses, nor do we keep much of anything from eachother. we are not perfect together. there are quite a few things we still dont know about eachother, and a few things we dont agree on, but it doesnt matter. i am not going to rush anything this time. there is nothing we have done that i couldnt do with him in front of my mother, wich means nothign much but held hands and hugged and cuddled and give litte kisses here and there. it feels good not to have to fake a smile all the time. he likes it when i smile, i think , but he doesnt want me to fake smile. he can tell if something is wrong. if he knows something is wrong, he will not just say, well, whatever, he will ask me over and over again, until i admit finally that something is wrong. then we wil start talking again for hours at a time. i dont know if this will last, nor do i know if it will turn out well. i do know that its real this time. its not in my head at all. its actualy real. it scares me more then anyhting ever has before. i am always scared now. and i hurt so much. but its as if it hurts good. i am not hurting like i did before. if i feel that kind of pain again, i talk to him, and i go right through the pain, where it hurts the most, and helps me through, and instead of hiding of ignoring it, i go through it. it feels wonderful afterwards. i can feel alot more now then i did before. my whole life feels amazingly real. and i love it. i might start cutting again. i have wanted to. i keep stopping myself, since i am not home, but once i go back home, i think i will start again, with alll that is going on. that is real too. some people cry, others use soemthing else. that is my something else. i am not sneeking around anymore. i dont lie to mom anymore. i think things might get better for me. now, all i want the most, is to developpe a relationship with god, and stop running from him. i want to find him, and i want to get better completely. beauty, truth, freedome and love. that is what i believe in most now. i think i always have. ive wanted freedome ever since i could remeber, and i see beauty everywhere in this world. i yearn for truth so much. to give the truth, aswell as recieve it. and love, well, love is something i have always, and will always believe in. during this past little while, with all these event, i did not believe in it much anymore. i figured it was made up. my faith had grown weak, but it is strong again. and i will work hard not to ever let it weaken again.
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