Tuesday, October 17, 2006

i am not harsh. i simply do not wish to lie anymore. the truth is harsh, i will give u that. you are right, cutting does sound pretty phenominal. how about how you treated me? or all the other girls? are you going to start cutting again? or have u already? if u have, then u are lucky. i am making myself wait. at least for a little while. thinking, that maybe it will go away. i have not slept much in the past little while. i am not going to feel bad for you. i used to. that was until i knew it would serve no use to pity you. you pity yourself enough for the both of us. i don't believe you anymore, when u tell me anything. i love you? yeah, right. if you loved me, you would have found a way to prove it. and you know what? sur you say u gave up oh so much for me. bull shit. what about what i gave up for you? my mother doesnt trust me. i have become a person i hate. i snuck out and lied and hid from everyone. i lost my trust in absolutely everyone. whatever. that doesn't matter. twas a lesson i had to learn. i am not happy without you now. but i am even less happy with you. i hate myself when i am with you. i am getting a little better, with the help of my friends and family and greg. i am still not trusting anybody much at all, but i am beginning to trust greg. at least i was, until my mind was reminded of what happened when i trusted you. will he leave? will he cheat on me? what does he want from me? ha. i hate what my mind has become aswell. it never stops. thoses questions are what scare the sleep from my eyes at night. well, that is my own problem. yo never feel bad for me. for the trouble that you party caused in my life. for my painful isolation from my own family. for my continuouse unexplained cutting. what about all of that? like i said, it doesnt matter. i am just happy i am now free, to actually be able to grow up, and stop being such a child. to work harder then i ever have, just so i can be trusted a little more by my family. to actually contribute to my family and friends and the people in my life that i really care about. every relationship is give and take. i am ready to grow up now. i have learned my lesson. i wonder if you'll ever be ready to grow up.....?
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