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myOtaku.com: ange-noire


Thursday, October 19, 2006


my friends list seems a little empty now. i guess that odd thing to say. i have i think around ten people or something. i used to have thirteen. it does not matter i suppose. you seem to have forgotten me already. you lied to me? i can never be sure of that now, i suppose. i am not wishing for things to be as they used to be. i only wish things didnt have to end up this way, thats all. you no longer exist on here, i know that. thats fine. or on msn. that doesnt matter either. but you keep popping up everywhere. your sweater is in my closet, hanging on a hanger. it still smells like you. your shirt is in my drawer. your necklace, in the jewlery box your mother gave me, on my dresser. i dont know what to do with it all. now that i know how u feel, for you have made it pretty clear, i know that they are mearly objects. i still cant get myself to put on that sweater though. when i was angry, i thought of burning it. later on, i thought of just giving it back to you. but then i thought, that would require seeing you. so, now i still dont know what to do with it. i guess they will go wherever they are meant to. i only wish i knew where that was now. whatever. it doesnt matter.

i was going to write this on my other one, but now that u have seem to dissapeared, i dont care one way or another. even if u hadnt. i would rather jusut tell the truth.

i am happy with greg. we talk about everything till all hours. we are going to see a movie tomorow. mom sais we are not allowed to date, but she still lets us see eachother with groups and stuff. he is turning 19 two weeks and a day(i think, but not good in math) after i turn 16. i cant wait to turn 16. life is flying by so fast. and ive stopped cutting. there is no particular reason. i still want to often enough, but i dont do it anymore. i still want to cry, and i still have my messed up feelings. if anything, they have gotten worse. but i am learning now, to deal with them properly. i think this might actually work. not only with greg, but with my life. i am beggining to find my balance. i am getting better. and i love it. i am growing up. it sucks. i am miserable most of the time. but in two years, i will have my freedome. from everything. thats as long as i stay smart and dont get into a car accident , or get myself pregnant, or something like that. not that i dont want a baby. just not quite yet. some women are ready by this time. i am not. i want to live a little more first. either way, doesn't matter right now.

if you were reading this, you would probably say something like i am happy you are forgetting me, or something like that i think. well, just to make it clear, i am not in any way forgetting you. i talk about you to greg all the time. nobody else really. i talk to greg about everything now. he is the first person i have trusted in years. it feels good. and i am not exaggerating this time. most people, they dont have faith in me. never. frank and anna dont trust me and greg alone together in the same room. thing is, sex is an option, not an obligation. they dont think could make the right choice. him, because he is three years older then me, and when u are 19, you have a different set of rules(or so my mom sais), and i have been making quite a few bad choices lately. but i dont care. its jsut a minor annoyance, thats all. elizabeth doesnt trust us either. nobody does. my mom is starting to trust me more tho. thats makes me very happy. i just hope i dont mess it up this time. i stopped sneaking out. and ive been telling mom the truth alot more. i am still hiding my feelings from everyone, but i dont care. thats jsut who i am. i am not going to forget you. no matter what u think. whether or not you will forget me or not. and hey, maybe one day u will talk to me again. or maybe not. either way, i hope you the best. i still pray for you. even if u probably will not ever read this, it feels good to say. you never even let me finnish my sentence last time we talked:P

anyways, i think i am going to go for now. i dont really have anything else to say at the moment.

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