Thursday, July 28, 2005

To love is to receive a glimpse of heaven.

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I reached for sleep and drew it round me like a blanket muffling pain and thought together in the merciful dark.

Mmm... felt like changin' my avatar again... sorry if you liked the other one. I remember the caption from somewhere... I've heard it before but I don't remember where.

Was called... a 'nasty little piece of work'... today... hmm... don't make me feel that great.

Been feeling very sick... physically and emotionally... for different reasons. Mostly because of bandcamp... I just want to run away from it and hide... I am weak. It's making me want to throw up, and I don't want to deal with it. It seems the only thing that keeps me going is love.... In fact, there was an incident that happened during the night, that was very amazing. I was just thinking about him... when suddenly all of my troubles seemed to go away.

Can't eat much... 'cause when I get around food I feel like throwing up... there's nothing that I actually want to eat around....

Sometimes... I want to sleep... and not wake up until my problems are gone... and so I can go on and experience the few pleasures I have.

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... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts

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Tuesday, July 26, 2005

NISSAABAA

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The worst loneliness is being uncomfortable with yourself....

Hehehe, sorry... the title is a bit of an... inside joke.

Changed the quizzes... 'cause it was kinda weird that I got the same answer for three of 'em.

Last night... something happened... that was very funny... I told some of you guys about this, but not all of you... here's the summary. I was talking to the most awesomest guy ever when I started getting tired... but I didn't want to leave 'im! So, I kept it to myself... eventually I decided to rest my head on my keyboard to close my eyes. I didn't intend this brief rest to turn into me actually falling asleep... but it did... and I ended up staying asleep for over a half an hour according to sources... *looks around*... yeh, but when I woke up... I made 'im really worried >< which I didn't mean to do! although it's still kinda funny... because I never really did that before. Oh well, it all worked out, 'cause I didn't die because I was feeling sick... *hugs the poor dude* You didn't lose me... and I can't believe you actually would've called if I didn't wake up O___o crazy stalker....

Why does it always look like I'm doing something wrong?! >< The only reason I had my shirt off was because it was getting itchy and I was taking a nap and 40 Days and 40 Nights just happened to be on TV. Grrr. My morals are different than yours! STOP ACCUSING ME OF DOING WEIRD IMMORAL THINGS. You all know what I'm talking about... *hiss*

Nick... I wish I know why I love him so much that I would go to the end of the universe and back to get a cookie for him, just to see 'im happy. I wish I could know HOW I love him so much. It's so funny too, with his odd little quirks. Normally I get really annoyed when people are perverted or a wooer... don't ask... but I guess it's okay with him. I don't know why... it's just kinda funny. Then there's the completely spontanious things he does that seem to have no meaning behind them at all... the way he plays dumb all the time... it's so cute ^ ^...The way he worries too much all the time... even when I ask him so sincerely not too. It's not even like he has any real flaws, becaeuse I can accept them so easily and somehow they just make him more likeable.
It's actually nice to have something you care about so much you'd die for it a million times over even if a measure that extreme wasn't needed. It gives meaning to an otherwise seemingly pointless life.
Feels like a dream....

I feel that he can do a lot better than me though... I'm so messed up. There are so many people in the world who are better than me... and I don't want him to settle for less. When I'm woken up from the dream I realize I'm not worthy at all....

Close my eyes when I go to bed
And I dream of angels who make me smile.
I feel better when I hear them say
Everything will be wonderful someday.

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... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts

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Sunday, July 24, 2005

This feeling...

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In a full heart there is room for everything, and in an empty heart there is room for nothing.

I feel... better than I've ever felt before in my life - which really hasn't been that long - but if this passes me up, I don't think I'll ever get a chance to feel anything close to it again. It's not really an easy thing to describe... I feel liberated, without a care, but also protected, invincible. A feeling of unimaginable joy, but also a small sadness, just knowing that I cannot be near him and feel him... I could care less about life, I don't worry about anything, just... him.

I don't think it's possible to understand unless you've had it happen to you... and if it left, I'd be broken... although, I really don't advise searching foor it, because something like this is not going to be out in the open. It's going to be hiding under a different name, and that means if your search view is restricted you'll probably miss what 's right in front of you.

Weh, I got very tired today. Lack of food... which means lack of energy. At first I thought it could just be sleep depravation, but after I ate it felt a lot better!

Seagulls!! THEY'RE REALLY FUN TO PLAY WITH!!!

No ending picture...?? Oh well...

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... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts

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Saturday, July 23, 2005

All pleasures contain an element of sadness.

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If love is a gift, and it makes people happy and smile when you give it to them... then it might not be such a bad thing.

Whaaaa? Yes, I actually wrote that, all by myself, I am oh so more poetic than you, fools!!!

*evil cackle*

Wait... if I am poetic... how come I can never talk good? Why can't I say how I feel? Why can't I ever get the right words out of my mouth? Why can't I even know what I feel??

Ugh... why am I so pathetic?

Dinner...
Me: Hehe, I'm really hungry, I might just need to get another sandwich.
Dad: Shut up and eat your cookies.

Hahaha, sorry, that was just really funny.

There appears to be a few technical difficulties with my video on rare occasions, if that happens, just let it play through whatever it wants and you'll get the musicvideo again. I'm sorry, I'll try to get a more reliable source as soon as possible. ^ ^

What does it mean if you're "easy"? I'm sorry, I'm so naive in the ways of the world....

I'm sorry I scared you Banana, I'm very sorry. Why are you afraid? You shouldn't be, you don't have anything to be afraid of, you never did.

*sniff* I got so many hugs from all you guys. I feel so liked... *bawling*.

And you guys all seem to see that I'm worthy... but I don't think I elaborated on what I was talking about being worthy of... and I don't think I will... hehehe.



I dream of him always,
Even when I don't dream....

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... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts

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Friday, July 22, 2005

The more things change, the more they become... insane.

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The truth. It is a beautiful and terrible thing, and should therefore be treated with great caution.

Life is werd... especially when someone gives you a cookie with raisins on it... that's an oxymoron. Cookies are supposed to be sweet and have enough sugar to knock me unconscious, not wholesome. I, with multiple open wounds, should be able to throw myself in a pit of sharks and come out unscathed.

Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawr.

I went on a little vacation in my mind yesterday... it was kinda nice, since I just locked myself up in happy memories behind everythng else... and I might have hurt someone doing so. I wish I didn't do so many things I end up regretting. But I guess that is life... reflecting on the past and gaining experience from it so you won't fuck it up so much the next time.

So...close...to band camp... urgh. Blah. Grrrrrr. School... gah, the emptiness and pointlessness of my life... *mew*

Oh, the irony in life. The only way to have peace is through war.... Most people who live, are never actually alive... *whisper* like me... and for some reason, there's irony in just about everything a human being does. We are so strange...

Nothing...ends up...alright....

*looks down at the ground sadly*

I'm not worthy...



A woman can forgive a man for the harm he does her...but she can never forgive him for the sacrifices he makes on her account.

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... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts

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Thursday, July 21, 2005

All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in the rain.

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I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile.
How you try to fit in but you can't.
How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside.

Wow, life's pretty uneventful over the summer. I jus' sit around on the computer, talkin' to the Banana for most of the day. It kinda sucks with the school year comin' up an' all... it seems that all my life I'm either bored or extremely stressed out.

I'll deal with it though... I guess it's not really an option... *sigh*.

Argh, today, I shall beat the Banana. I will stay up the longest!! I took a nap earlier too ^ ^ I plan ahead. TAKE THAT!! Oh well, he's been nice to hang around so much online *cookies* yey.

Alright... I won't say too much more. Take care guys...



In this world only the strong survive.
The weak get crushed like insects.

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... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts

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Wednesday, July 20, 2005

It is loneliness that makes the loudest noise.

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The Banana is back in town!!... don't play stupid Nick, you knew that hug was comin' sometime.

Alright, as you have already noticed, there have been yet more changes.

I know I just went through a renovation about a month-or-so ago, but I felt it needed another one.

It's kindof a weird theme... sorreh, I'm turnin' into jello, the gooeyness. Oh wells, I can deal with that . The background is a bit... unorthadox? Grunge at the least... so it's hard to fit it with anything. Nothing really fits like it did with my last theme.

New avi, which I happen to wuv, hinata is so cuuuute, teh cutest kitty evar, like meh ^ ^

Also, a new video! Although, the lyics take up a lot of space, so I was only able to fit the first verse, chorus, bridge, and a line from the end in. I'll post the whole set for all you curious peoples.

:.I'd Do Anything.:

Another day is goin' by,
I'm thinkin' about you all the time.
But you're out there,
And I'm here waiting.

And I wrote this letter in my head,
Cuz' so many things were left unsaid.
But now you're gone,
And I can't think straight.

This could be the one last chance to make you understand, yeah.

I'd do anything
Just to hold you in my arms,
To try to make you laugh.
Somehow I can't put you in the past.
I'd do anything
Just to fall asleep with you.
Will you remember me?
Cuz' I know I won't forget you.

Together we broke all the rules,
Dreamin' of droppin' out of school.
And leave this place
To never come back.

So now, maybe after all these years,
And if you miss me have no fear.
I'll be here
And I'll be waitin'.

This could be the one last chance to make you understand,
And I just can't let you leave me once again, yeah.

I'd do anything
Just to hold you in my arms,
To try to make you laugh.
Somehow I can't put you in the past.
I'd do anything
Just to fall asleep with you.
Will you remember me?
Cuz' I know I won't forget you.

I close my eyes
And all I see is you.
I close my eyes
I try to sleep, I can't forget you.
And I'd do anything for you.

I'd do anything
Just to hold you in my arms,
To try to make you laugh.
Somehow I can't put you in the past.
I'd do anything
Just to fall asleep with you
To fall asleep with you
With you, yeah
I'd do anything
To fall asleep with you.
I'd do anything,
There's nothing I won't do.
I'd do anything
To fall asleep with you.
I'd do anything
Cuz' I know I won't forget you.

Other stuff... like what's goin' on with me... I'm doing alright right now, thanks for asking :)

I saw teh moon and all it's shineyness, the conversation went something like...
Ari: Hullo moon.
Moon: Oh, hello Ari.
Ari: How are you doing?
Moon: I'm good, how are you?
Ari: I'm okay...
Moon: That's great.
Ari: Yeah, well, can you do me a favour tell Nick I said hi?
Moon: Certainly.
Ari: Thanks, take care Moon.
Moon: You too.

... yes, I'm insane, you have a problem with that?

What else... I'm headin' to band camp on the 31st and I'll be gone all that week... *sigh* that's gonna be depressing.

Anyway, take care everyone!!



Sadness and happiness really aren't as different as you think... for I am both at the same time.

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... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts

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Monday, July 18, 2005

However long the night, the dawn will break.

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When I Don't See Nor Talk To You,
I Break Down And My Heart Goes Weak.

Wow, I've had a lot of problems with me lately... carpal tunnel syndrome... this stupid pain in my side that hurts like hell when I move around... baaad headache on the right side, it's killin' me ><...feelin' very sad and lonely at times...


Am I alone... Everyone has someone....

Although... it doesn't last too long, because I'm always thinking, and when you think about one thing, it goes to the next, and you can be sad-happy-sad-happy-sad... etc.

Trust me, you don’t want to hear about my recent li’l escapades. They’ll hurt and/or bore you to death!! *pokes the Banana’s corpse* TT____TT Such an innocent soul…

Wowzers, two more days... 'til what you ask? Okay, you didn't ask, I'm just hypothetically saying that you asked... oh well. It's TWO MORE DAYS. *hyper*

OMG!! And with that... I bid you farewell!

Take care all!

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... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts

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Friday, July 15, 2005

Hmm...

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What is this called ?

Green Day - Give Me Novacaine

Take away the sensation inside,
Bitter sweet migraine in my head.
It's like a throbbing tooth ache of the mind.
I can't take this feelin' anymore.

Drain the pressure from the swelling,
This sensation's overwhelming.
Give me a long kiss goodnight
And everything will be alright.
Tell me that I won't feel a thing,
So give me novacaine.

Out of body and out of mind.
Kiss the demons out of my dreams.
I get the funny feeling and that’s alright.
Jimmy says it's better than here.
I’ll tell you why,

Drain the pressure from the swelling,
This sensation's overwhelming.
Give me a long kiss goodnight
And everything will be alright.
Tell me Jimmy I won't feel a thing,
So give me Novacaine.

Wow, my life's so exciting!!... actually... not really, here's what's happened!
- Wrote email(s)
- Saw a bunny on my lawn! 'twas so cuuuute!
- My Mom might have a stalker... hey, I'm not weird enough to get a stalker, that's a good thing... right?
- Got invited to the first party of my life EVER I feels so speeeecial *tear*
- I saw teh Moon today for the first time in a few nights, stupid clouds.
- Other crap...

OMG! Doesn't that look so interresting?! I know! Really!!

Well... have a good day everyone. I might not post until Monday again either, jus' 'cause I feel like it I guess... ehehehe. Who knows... one thing's for sure, not you!

Take care...?!

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... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts

Comments (4) | Permalink

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Bittersweet

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So confused... what to feel... how to feel.

Music explains how I feel, you should all know this by now.

Simple Plan - Me Against The World

We're not gonna be just a part of the game.
We're not gonna be just the victims.
They're taking our dreams and they tear them apart,
'Till everyone's the same.

I've got no place to go.
I've got nowhere to run.
They'd love to watch me fall.
They think they know it all.

I'm a nightmare, a disaster,
That's what they always said.
I'm a lost cause, not a hero,
But I'll make it on my own.
I'm gonna prove them wrong,
Me against the world.
It's me against the world.

We won't let them change how we feel in our hearts.
We're not gonna let them control us.
We won't let them shove all their thoughts in our heads,
And we'll never be like them.

Me against the world.
Its me against the world.
World….world…world…
Its me against the world.

Now I'm sick of this waiting,
So come on and take your shot.
You can spit out your insults,
But nothing you say's gonna change us.
You can sit there and judge me,
Say what you want to,
We'll never let you win.

Me against the world.
I'm a nightmare, a disaster,
That's what they always said.
I'm a lost cause, not a hero,
But I'll make it on my own.
I've gotta prove them wrong,
Me against the world.

I'm gonna prove them wrong,
They'll never bring us down.
We'll never fall in line,
I'll make it on my own,
Me against the world.

Oh jeez... there's lots of lightning... but no rain... it's a drought, remember? I'm very scardish, kinda huddled up against a wall with this keyboard. I hope it doesn't last too long... but now that I check teh weather, it is. Oh dear... oh my... Mmm, I'll try to make this short.

I've been filling up a certain someone's inbox with emails... *evil cackle*

Wasting time doing other things... although talking to some people who have been nice keeping me company. God bless ya'll... okay, never saying that again, ever. Mmm, I've been taking some quizzes, so I'll try to put some results up for you guys.

Wow, my life really is boring, 'cause I don't have anything else to say! Take care, especially all you folks who feel bad.

Seven days....


And I shall continue to dream these dreams that keep me alive.

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... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts

Comments (3) | Permalink