Monday, July 11, 2005

Am I so insignificant?

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Waiting…

I feel like this song a lot now. Hehe, sometimes I forget about the world, but other times I can’t. Odds are… you’ve probably heard it. It’s not new or anything.

Incubus – Pardon Me

Pardon me while I burst...
Pardon me while I burst….

A decade ago, I never thought I would be
At twenty three, on the verge of spontaneous combustion. Woe-is-me.
But I guess that it comes with the territory;
An ominous landscape of never ending calamity.
I need you to hear, I need you to see
That I have had all I can take and exploding seems like a definite possibility
To me.

So pardon me while I burst into flames.
I've had enough of the world, and its peoples’ mindless games.
So pardon me while I burn and rise above the flame.
Pardon me, pardon me...I’ll never be the same.

Not two days ago, I was having a look
In a book and I saw a picture of a guy fried up above his knee.
I said, "I can relate," ‘cause lately I've been
Thinking of combustication as a welcomed vacation from
The burdens of the planet earth.
Like gravity, hypocrisy, and the perils of being in 3-D...
But thinking so much differently.

Pardon me while I burst into flames.
I've had enough of the world and its peoples’ mindless games.
So pardon me while I burn and rise above the flame.
Pardon me, pardon me...I’ll never be the same.
Never be the same.

Pardon me while I burst into flames.
Pardon me, pardon me, pardon me.

So pardon me while I burst into flames.
I've had enough of the world and its peoples’ mindless games.
So pardon me while I burn and rise above the flame.
Pardon me, pardon me... I’ll never be the same.
Pardon me, I’ll never be the same, yeah...

What to talk about… ummm, I’ll make it really short so I don’t bore you people…
I got to try to play a guitar… that was interesting… aaand… not really anything else noticeable to you people… lemme sit on that for a second….

Oh, well, I got something! I technically made Nick wake up at 6 am jus’ to talk to me… you see, I really didn’t make him, ‘cause I think he should’ve slept more, so it would be more correct to say he made me get up to talk to him…but it all worked out anyway… about four hours of talking… bwahaha…?

Remember… sometimes you can teach an old dog new tricks.

Someday, I hope to be able to prove this.


P.S. Sorry if I don't post every day, I need material to post and I gain that over time... I don't wanna put bad material in it!!
P.P.S. Mmm, P.P.S... y'know what that stands for, right? Post Post Script... so... it's after the after note, yey for olde english.
P.P.P.S. what I was gonna put in the P.P.S. before I started acting like a moron... meow

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... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts

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Tuesday, July 5, 2005

I beg to dream and differ from the hollow lies.

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I can't talk a lot, 'cause I'm only here for a little while... but I just want to let you guys know that I'm not dead (yet). I'll give you a brief update of what's been going on...
- Got to see War of the Worlds, great movie, go see it. Not good for those very weak of heart, but you'll love it anyway.
- Rented Final Cut and Minority Report, both great movies, you should really check those out when you get a chance.
- Got an email from Nick to find he's not dead!! Happiness! *dance* After all of the crap I've had to go through today, it was a big breath of fresh air. *inhale* Ahhh, such a nice feeling.
- Stuff happened... eh, can't say too much about it.
- Video games, eating, cats, TV, etc. etc.

Well... this is probably the last time I'm going to update for a while... because of circumstances... *sigh* Oh well. I could be back to my regular posting agenda as early as tomorrow (although extremely unlikely) and the latest... probably late next week... It's really up in the air, and I might be back on AIM on the weekend, but that doesn't mean I'm back for good... We'll just have to wait and see.

And... that's all!

Meooooooow.



Psssst! Find the hidden message! Hehe, guess who it's for...

TAKE CARE!

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... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts

Comments (7) | Permalink

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

It said that life is but a dream.

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Kitty's banana, not yours, got it?

Mmmm... music!

A Perfect Circle (cover) - Diary of a Madman

Screaming at the window,
Watch me die another day.
Hopeless situation,
Endless price I have to pay.

Diary of a madman,
Walked the line again today.
Entries of confusion,
Dear diary I'm here to stay.

Sanity now and beyond me,
I will always love you.
However long I stay,
I will always love you.
Whatever words I say,
I will always love you.
There's no choice.

Whenever I'm alone with you...
You make me feel like I'm whole again.

Voices in the darkness
Scream away my mental health.
Can I ask a question
To help me save me from myself.

Sanity now and beyond me,
I will always love you.
However long I stay,
I will always love you.
Whatever words I say,
I will always love you.
There's no choice.

I'm jus' checkin' up on everyone. Making sure no one died... I don't think you did, good. I'm also here to tell you... that I'm probably not going to be updating for awhile. I'll be around, and probably commenting (like I have anything better to do) but maybe not as much... Well... I'll update you on the situation a little later.

Take care, dudes.

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... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts

Comments (7) | Permalink

Sunday, June 26, 2005

I'm still right before your eyes... I've always been here.

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When I look up, I see the same Moon you see.

Yesterday was a… very lonely day indeed. Guess I’ll just put up a song to explain how I’m feeling, I still have problems with saying things. Hmmm…

Hoobastank – Pieces

Turn around and pick up the pieces.

I, like a rock, sink,
Sinkin’ ‘till I hit the bottom.
The water is much deeper than I thought.
Nothin’ to swim with,
Kickin’ but I keep sinkin’.
A lesson that no one could have ever taught.

And I can almost breathe the air right beyond my fingertips.
I’ll turn around and pick up the pieces.
One more push and I’ll be there, right where I belong.
I’ll turn around and pick up the pieces.

I see the picture,
Blurry, but now it’s in focus.
A fairy tale I’ve purchased on my own.
I finally woke up,
Everything is better.
A chance for me to open up and grow.

Suffocating, sinking further, almost every day.
Barely treading water knowing I will not give up.
I will not give up.
I will not give up….

‘Cause I can almost breathe the air right beyond my fingertips.
I’ll turn around and pick up the pieces.
One more push and I’ll be there, right where I belong.
I’ll turn around and pick up the pieces.

Rudely awakened, bored for a few hours… needed to do something, so I convinced my Dad to let us go on a hike. It was fun, but it was very hot, so we only stayed out for 45 minutes or something. Saw fishes, and frogs, and things that looked like miniature lobsters, and tadpoles… Got home and there wasn’t really anyone to talk to … ‘cept for Mangoes for a lil’ bit, if she didn’t talk to me I probably would’ve went insane… although she had work to do, so I was still bummed…. Yeah, that was pretty much my day, just sat around on the computer for seven hours, doing absolutely nothing, lonely as hell. Everyone’s out having fun… except for the hermit.
Although, there was a gap in the lonliness when I wrote the Banana an email to keep myself sane.

I guess I really can’t be alone all the time, it drives me crazy, especially when I have nothing to do. My sister just spends all her time on my Dad’s laptop listening to music videos of weird punk-rock bands, my Dad and Step-Mom are either taking care of the baby or working… though, I couldn’t really do anythin’ with my Step-Mom, she doesn’t really have nice things to say to me ever. I think sometimes she doesn’t mean to hurt my feelings, but she does so inadvertently because she does it all the time, whether conscious or unconscious. Of course, no friends to chat with….
Near eight or something there were really random lightning strikes, absolutely no rain. Curse this drought, the dry air is just gonna make this crap go on… I have this stupid phobia of lightning/thunder, so I was spazing for awhile. Just listened to music loudly to get my mind off of it, although now my ears kinda hurt now. The feeling seemed to be mutual with the TV though, it would freak out every time there was a lightning strike. Poor thing… it was pretty much hiccupping.

It seems there isn’t much keeping me going right now.
-Video games help take away the pain of boredness for periods of time.
-The occasional talk with a friend, even if it’s less than a minute long… which is the case some of the time.
-My cats are really much smarter than most would guess, Larry always seems to know when I’m at my lowest points in the day and snuggles up to me until I get happier. He would rather do that than splay out in the sun… aww, that’s so nice of him.
-And, of course, who could forget him, Nick. Even when I think about that silly polar bear, which is pretty much all the time, it lifts my spirits up. The emails are so nice, sometimes it’s like he never even left… although I greatly miss the guy. Mmmm, it’s only a few more weeks ‘till he comes back; it feels a lot shorter if you put it into weeks instead of saying a month (Mangoes helped me with that). I hope he’s doing okay…. *dance*

The only other thing of actual importance is probably the fact that, since I’m feelin’ crummy, I’m not going to make any effort to get online regularly for awhile, along with other things. Probably won’t update on Monday, could update on Tuesday, and almost guaranteed to update on Wednesday, ‘cause I need to check with my e-mail and I guess to make sure you guys aren’t going crazy because of my absence…

Ha. Ha. Ha.

Just gonna sulk and lie around tomorrow…

Doot doot doo. That silly guy… just wanna give him a big hug.

Take Care guys!!

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... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts

Comments (7) | Permalink

Saturday, June 25, 2005

Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeow

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Mmmmmmmmm, happy, haaaaaaaappy, happy happy HAPPY.

First things first!!

Teh kitty be sooooooooooo blissful, joyous, pleasant, merry, chipper, elated, peaceful, intoxicated, and every other word that means EXTREMELY HAPPY!! … or somewhere around there anyway… *dance* The Banana isn’t dead!! And I got a chance to talk to him yesterday!! Oooo, ‘twas so much fun! Although… I thought he was a hallucination at first >.o hehe, but I’m glad he wasn’t/isn’t! w00t, life makes sense again! The only other thing I can say is meow, meow, meeeow owwww mew mrowwwww!!

Onto normal things…

Thanks for the comments everyone ^ ^ they made me feel a bit better! Wow, I’m just bursting with happiness today…. I’ll make the rest of this short so you guys don’t have to spend hours reading my posts ><

Watched a show about ghosts… it was weird as hell, I was scared. I want my Banana to hug. >< It’s gonna give me nightmares.

Yah, happy…not much else to say I guess, I just like you all so much, you be friends, nice ones. Summer, nothing to report in on….


You're the Mechanical Angel. You've been hurt and
you're afraid to get hurt again. Because of
this, it's hard for others to get close to you,
but when people do, they find you to be a kind,
compassionate person and a great friend.
You're a loyal and steadfast companion to
anyone lucky enough to befriend you. You would
never abandon a friend, and the last thing you
want to do is hurt somebody else. Others see
you as a quiet loner, but you can be an
energetic, fun-loving person. You just have to
open up and let other people see how great you
really are. You may get hurt again. But just
think about how much you're missing out on!


*~*Which Angel Are You? THIRTEEN Results. ANIME PICTURES and (fairly) long results! *~*
brought to you by Quizilla

… yes, just like a machine. Appointed to a task, but then discarded after its job is done.

Umm, what else… life’s going pretty good at the moment, so I’m not gonna complain! TAKE CARE ALL!!!

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... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts

Comments (6) | Permalink

Friday, June 24, 2005

Something's missing...

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I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, yesterday and today. I guess I’ll uhh, put down some of the things I have been thinking about.

I always wonder about the things I do… the things I say, if I should say them or not. Although that’s totally contradictory to my natural impulsiveness, which leads me to regret a lot of the things I say. Eh, people say I dwell in the past too much, but it’s impossible to forget many things that have happened that have shaped who you are. It feels kinda like falling down a mountain sometimes… because the rate of decline is not the same on the whole surface so you can be going very slow for awhile but suddenly slip down fast. Unpredictable, if you know what I mean. There are also times where you go up for a little bit, but then go down further than where you started from…. It also means that there is a bottom, but you’re going to have to go a long way before reaching it. You have absolutely no clue what condition you’re going to be in when you get to the bottom either, you could end up dead… glaciers, you know, stuff like that. But I guess that’s as far as I can go with the analogy.

Why are things so hopeless? I used to think that there were good people in the world, but I just don’t know anymore. Good people always seem to turn into bad people after time, or they were just bad to begin with. But if good people can turn into bad people… doesn’t that mean it can be the other way around?

I’ve also gotten to the point where I really feel no one cares anymore. I feel kindof… forgotten, not really important… I mean I’m not really gone… eh, whatever, I’m not going to go into it right now. I guess everything can be explained in a very obscure, but great, song.

Living Syndication – 13 Minutes

It’s funny when things go wrong,
I get tired of waking.
For all the things I’ve loved before,
I’m tired of breaking.
Good things are far ahead, yeah,
But my patience is shaking.
Only thirteen minutes left…
But is it worth waiting?

Would you care for me
‘Cause I’m tired,
Tired of all this life.
Would you care for me
‘Cause I feel like
I’ve been cut inside.
Would you care for me
‘Cause I’m tired,
Tired of all this life.
Would you care for me
‘Cause I feel like
I’ve been cut inside.

It’s blatant to feel so wrong,
Get hurt by the taking.
Everything that I have said before…
I hesitate saying.
I’m crawlin’ fast ahead, yeah,
At the pace that I’m making.
Only thirteen minutes left…
But it’s not worth waiting.

Would you care for me
‘Cause I’m tired,
Tired of all this life.
Would you care for me
‘Cause I feel like
I’ve been cut inside.
Would you care for me
‘Cause I’m tired,
Tired of all this life.
Would you care for me
‘Cause I feel like
I’ve been cut inside
I’ve been cut inside….

Hmm… Ari is sad, she misses Mr. Banana… *stabs self in eyeball* >.TT I think he died or something… like a bunch of mexicans put a bomb in his van or somethin’… and it exploded. Or maybe he fell into the ocean and got eaten by a whale-sized man-eating tunafish… *spaz*
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Other things…

Quiz…

Your Love Style is Agape

You are a caring, kind, and selfless partner. Unsurprisingly, your love style is the most rare. You are willing to sacrfice your world for your sweetie. Except it doesn't really feel like sacrifice to you. For you, nothing feels better than giving to the one you love.

What's Your Love Style?

Hmm, I’ve finally had time to get my guest book in order, my friends list, and my quizzes. Yeah, you should try some of the quizzes because you probably haven’t taken all of them, they’re fuuuuun and good for when you’re bored! I practically have an autobiography with all of those quizzes….

I’ve not really talked about it… but I’ve been a bit sick lately, go easy on me ‘kay?

Take care dudes...

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... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts