Saturday, May 28, 2005

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Blah blah, I'm at a Scion dealership right now, the Halo 2 tournament just got over. It was funny, because there were only three people, and my brother owned them XD I could've gotten 3rd if I was old enough, that guy barely knew how to use a BR... *twitch* but yeah, he got $50, and he's going to Regionals... on one of the breaks between matches, I played with my bro a bit, and the guys there were like "OMG! A GIRL'S PLAYING HALO!!!" although the tint on the TV was really bad, because I was looking at him once and I couldn't see him on the outside of the Blue Base in Beavercreak...

Umm, much other stuff happened, but I'm feeling reeeeeeeally shitty right now, due to recent events, but I regress, it was my own stupidity that got me into this anyway.

Later dudes.

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... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts

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Thursday, May 26, 2005

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Argh, shortish post... but I'll try to go through my day!!
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Last night... I got a new bathing suit-thing, it's so smexy, mwahahaha... *cough* yeah, it looks fine, although I wanna lose a bit of weight before I actually go out with it.
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Talked to Morgan after I got home, he sounded a lot better, and he was happyish, so I decided not to bother him too much.
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Gah, my teachers make fun of me too much... *sad*
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13/25 on a Geometry test, yay!!!
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My friends kidnapped me and now I have to go see Star Wars... blah. It's not that I don't want to go see it, but I was going to go see it in a week or so anyway... I wish I could talk to you all today, because I'm going to be back after 7... but it's still saddening... *starts crying*
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Have a good day!!!

*is dragged out of house*

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... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts

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Wednesday, May 25, 2005

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Hmm, well, some weird stuff happened today. I feel... well, weird, to put it simply.

Last night... I sewed some stuff... and talked to Mr. Penguin on the phone, although he sounded very very sick, and sad, unlike his normal (or atleast, what I perceive to be normal) Penguin-like self. And, for Morgan, if you read this, I was worrying about you even more than Momo today, I kept thinking "I hope he's okay...". See? I luff you all equally *huggles*
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Very much weirdness in Science today. I was sitting in my desk, after the morning anouncements reading a book... I hear this big sound and look up to see her falling to the ground. She tripped on a wire on the floor, I'm thinking, or either a chair/desk leg. I didn't see exactly, but she messed up her arm really bad, she was on the floor for a few minutes while we persuaded her to let us go get help (she's reeeally stubborn and she was trying to act all non-hurt-like). Somebody got the 7th grade science teacher, who's this burly old balding guy XD he rawks... I had him last year... ahem, but anyway, then someone got THE principal and we were instructed to go to the library and that's how we spend that period... One of the other principals came down to the library and told us she probably broke her arm, which would mean she'd probably be gone the rest of the year... oh well, I'll see if anything else comes up...
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I worked on our field day banner for two periods today. It turned out really good. Our team name is Koberna's Konfederates (Idea given by me, it still reminds me of you Mr. Banana XDD you know who you are, you hick.) Our slogan is "We're back for revenge!" although we wanted it to be "We lost once, we can do it again!" I might take a picture of it... or somefin'...
hehe, sorry, love that word.
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I found Potato! my orange! I remember now, I hid him in the freezer when my sister ate an orange and said he looked yummy! YAY! My best friend's back! *hugs it*
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Aaand... that... is probably all... I think... boring day, filled with angry teachers... ahh, life is good. *sarcasm*



I see penguins... and I mean that as in "I see dead people"... but with penguins... instead of the dead people... gah, you guys are hopeless. I'll try not to confuse you anymore.

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... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts

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Tuesday, May 24, 2005

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What a REAL neko (not Anime/manga) would look like
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I'm sorry you had to see that...

Aaaaanyway, let's see what happened recently ya'll... hehehehe, sorry, I needed to get that out.
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Talked to some "furry" person yesterday on the phone. It was fun! 'cause he sounds like a penguin XD Oh, and if you're reading this Morgan, I take back all of those mean things that I said, I like your voice! It doesn't really sound girly... I just had to get used to it I guess... but I really didn't mean it! ^____^ Wewt, I'd like to talk to ya again sometime!
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Gah, school was irritating as hell... it's only like, 8 actual academic days left (10 counting field day and the last day of school) and I have so much stress... SO MUCH STRESS!!... I failed a geometry test today... !!! YAY!! I wish I understood all of this stuff, it's like I'm dyslexic or something...
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And... now I'm here!! Like, OMFGWTFAOFNELS!!!! Gah, I have a boring life... I mean, I could be doing homework and such... but... *sigh* I just can't bring myself to. My brain is overloaded.

Take Care everyone!



*cannot contain laughter* You'll know what this means soon enough...

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... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts

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Monday, May 23, 2005

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Meh, sorry, momentarily feeling really shitty, so I'll put this up!

Important business first... (I'll update in a bit, 'kay?)

Mucho Importante!!!
Okay, talked with that weird monkey-like person, of whom I've given a new name, but I'll explain that later... Anyway, he said that his Uncle died... (or atleast, that's what I thought he said... my Mom's cell phone was being a jerk and I couldn't make out some things...XD sorry, I should've checked, but I lose all intelligence while on the tele-phone... nya, sorry!)Anyway, he has to go to Oklahoma for his funeral and stuff like that, so he said he won't be on this week... again, I'm sorry if I got any information wrong, but I get all stupified!

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OS (Other s*it, or, if you prefer, Other Stuff)
- Sewing time!! Eventhough I thought I'd be REALLY bad at sewing, I'm not horrible! and, it's a great way to relieve stress!
- Mowed the lawn... gawd, all that water that I drank is coming back to haunt me, I have to go to the restroom every 10 minutes!! The lawn mowingness was supposed to release my pent-up energy and let me vent... but now I'm just more hyper XD
- I feel pretty,
Oh, so pretty,
I feel pretty and witty and bright!
And I pity
Any girl who isn't me tonight.

I feel charming,
Oh, so charming
It's alarming how charming I feel!
And so pretty
That I hardly can believe I'm real.

See the pretty girl in that mirror there:
Who can that attractive girl be?
Such a pretty face,
Such a pretty dress,
Such a pretty smile,
Such a pretty me!

I feel pretty,
Oh, so pretty
That the city should give me its key.
A committee
Should be organized to honor me.

I feel dizzy,
I feel sunny,
I feel fizzy and funny and fine,
And so pretty,
Miss America can just resign!

I feel stunning
And entrancing,
Feel like running and dancing for joy,
For I'm loved
By a pretty wonderful boy!
Erhm... just scratch off those greatly weird last two lines...
- Obviously, I'm feeling a BIT too good about myself... aaa, just don't bring my ego down! This is like, the first time I've been this happy in a LONG time!!
- Cat, I'm a kitty cat, and I dance dance dance, and I dance dance dance...

And, that's all the important stuff to say todaaaay!!!



SEE?! PRETTINESS!!!

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... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts

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Sunday, May 22, 2005

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A life with roses will always have its thorns, but a life without thorns will never have its roses.
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Hmm, things have been going strangely good lately... although I can feel things starting to unfold. It's upsetting, but inevitable. I can't always be happy.
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Let's see what I'm doing today...
- Homework
- Nothing
- More Homework
- More Nothing
... and that's about all. Funness!... *sniff* I'm going to be so lonely.
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Talked to the very weird person who is Dallas yesterday, again. Hehe, I'm like, addicted to his accent XD Wewt. Morgan wonders if it's going to be a daily occurance, although I have no idea, hahahaaa. I guess I just like talking with people, yey.
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Grr, I don't like homework. It is evil, and my teachers are going to yell at me in school tomorrow *sigh* like they always do. Oh well, I think it's only 12 more days! I hope I can last that long!
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Everyone's calling me a hermit! I'm not a hermit! AND I DON'T HAVE AN ACCENT!!...
Ahem, I go outside... when I need to. I mean, I just don't like staying outside all day, eventhough it is kinda nice. All pretty and stuff like that... except it's hot and not as fun anymore!
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Aaaaand, that's all the interresting stuff I got for today.

Take care everyone!



Life and death

This world is driven by two contending powers--
Love, that coerceth Heaven to dwell with dust,
And that dire pledge of Hell's self-perjured Lust--
And as we list must Heaven and Hell be ours.
Not light the election runs: lo, each devours
That savour set in each, while equal gust
Each uses; yet our choice support we must--
Blest wine or, this rejected, sweat that sours.
Love, oft through Hell that seems, acclaims what Heaven!
But Lust, through seeming Heaven, with easy breath
Slides on to Hell, how soon, how richly given!
If Love to heavenly state so quickeneth,
While Lust must e'er in cheating Hell be shriven,
They sponsor what, these powers, but Life and Death?

--William Baylebridge

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... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts

Comments (4) | Permalink

Saturday, May 21, 2005

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Watching Office Space... funniest movie ever... or atleast, one of the funniest.
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Yeah, Dallas, that's what a dictionary is supposed to do... Just don't bite your tongue trying to say anything too complicated.
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My Dad rented this weird movie from the 60's last night... gawd, the special effects were horrible, and, if possible, the music was even worse. Whatever you do, don't see the movie Alternate States.
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Why is it... that Krispy Kreme doughnuts are neither crispy, nor creamy...?
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DARE To keep cops off doughnuts

Doughnut Abuse and Resistance Education
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Hmm, well, as you can see, I'm feeling better now... hi everyone!!!...

*waves*

Lalalalalalalalala... although, you shouldn't listen to me sing. Listen to the amazing singing talents of Dallas! Yeah, I couldn't take all of the talent, it was too much, you guys might though... teeheehee.
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And... my life is boring, so, I'll leave now!

Take Care!



W. T. F.

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... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts

Comments (7) | Permalink

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

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Here... if only momentarily... the people got home earlier than expected on Monday, and I didn't get a chance to do anything... although there is an opening on thursday night... I'll see what I can do then...
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So depressed, I don't even know if I can think straight anymore. My teachers are constantly bugging me because I'm pretty much failing all of my classes right now... I'll probably have a nervous breakdown sometime in the next 14 days. I really wish Summer would just be here, so I can have a bit less stress.
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I also got locked out of my house for some time, about half an hour, which is not fun with angry wasps... only to realize that my key was in the same place it always was.
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Some things have happened over the past few days... but I won't really go over that stuff now.
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Oh, and Dallas, if you REALLY thought I'd call you back, then I'm really sorry for that.
Ari's rules for using a phone
Rule #1: Don't call people!
Oh, and for your own personal reference, you missed me by about two minutes, I was out mowing the lawn. Hehe, feel free to try again! Funny message by the way... I don't think it was supposed to be funny, but I started spastically laughing when my sister played it for me...
Possible reasons...?
1) You sound kinda like a younger version of my brother...
2) Is that a midwestern accent?! I dunno... people here don't really have accents, it's all the same, so when I hear something different, it's nice, unless it's a thick southern accent, I can't stand that (sorry Nick, hee hee)
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... I sat on my cat... and he scratched me... it hurt.
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Still very spacey... I try to pay attention, but it all ends up exploading in my face... and I think I'm getting sicker; still have body aches, although they're getting kinda spastic. Randomly some muscles will tense up, and that's especially not nice when it's a leg muscle. I almost fell down some stairs...
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I guess... that's all, really. I don't feel like talking anymore, mostly because it has no practical purpose... although I did almost get into a car accident... which would've been very nice... but I didn't. Blah.
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Take Care everyone...

- - Depressed person

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... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts

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Sunday, May 15, 2005

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Yay for random pictures of people...
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Well... I'm not going to promise anything, but I have two alternative plans for tomorrow.
1) Suicide - (not Halo 2 style... just so you know) I'm not going to explain this one, you know what it is.
2) ...the other plan? -Well... this is the one where I will probably take a week or so to get my mind straight. A sort of hiatus from the internet for awhile... it could be a few minutes, it could be a few days, it could be a few weeks. Whatever this would take under certain condictions.

But I don't know what's going on anymore.
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"...many fair things will fade and be forgotten."

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... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts

Comments (10) | Permalink

Friday, May 13, 2005

Close the door, there's a draft in here

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... I... made a new friend today... it's an orange... that I named potato... *sigh* he's the only one who understands me....

Pretty pathetic, huh?
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You don't really have to pay attention to this anymore... it's getting boring, I know. You can stop reading now... I don't want anyone else to be depressed.
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Entry 18: The End...?
... I've filled this thing halfway up already... failed entries, secret thoughts, and the ones that actually made the cut... and now, I feel like a malfunctioning person...
I have been doing much thinking too... and I figure, since I might not be coming back, I might as well tell everyone what I've been thinking about.
I really am very useless... And what was dragging me along all these years... maybe one day, I would be needed. I thought that someone out there needed me, more than anyone else... I need to feel needed, protected, safe... but that is something so rediculous that only a child like me could come up with... everyone bussies themselves with another person. I was always th eodd one...the odd number... there is no one.
Why did I find out the truth so late? Ignorance is stupidity, and I must be the dumbest one of all... then again, I was never very smart... or lucky... and then, I'm so sick. I'm probably going to die anyway. Of course, I'm probably sick because I'm so depressed. The mind can change the body subconsciously... scientists have done many tests to prove it....
I think I've already used up enough emotions for one lifetime anyway... and atleast there isn't anyone who needs me that I have to wory about. I do not need to worry about makng anyone sad, for there is no one to make sad.

Fine

I heard a sound
In the back of my mind.
Was it you?
No, it couldn't be.
For there is nothing there
Anymore. Only space.
The wind is chilling.
Frightening, it scares us all.
Feet shuffling below me
Going nowhere in particular.
But move on their own, as if
Pulled along by something else.
A breeze which turns into a
Violent gale abruptly.
The time that never stops and
Never breathes, and it has left me
Lost, scared, confused.
Like I have always been.
Wandering all alone.
The trees. Rustling their foliage as if locks of hair stay rooted.
Unlike the weak one
That is myself.
Straining to control everything
The result is a futile effort.
And the strain only weakens the
Frail spirit that has fallen far
Down the way. Fallen farther
than most. You know that.
But there are other things
Lurking in the shadows.
Stretching. Reaching to get out.
I have fallen to the
Bottom of it all.

Chilling, the strands of broken
Memories flash off and on.
I cannot tell what is real and
What is what I wish.
Things would have been different
If you were there.
They would have been better.
The specters re-emerge from the
Past to haunt me once again.
Although seeing you
Bright and smiling can always
Make my day better.
For your kind words heal
Even the deepest of scars.
No matter what has happened
Even if everything has collapsed.
You are so truly special to me.
But sight has left me once again.
I can still feel you though.
I smell you, and hear your
Mellifluous voice, that is the song
Of a sweet cello. Never rough,
Always calm... but disappearing
Into the sounds of everything else.
Why are you so quiet?
I can no longer feel you here.
Where have you gone to? I will
Always be looking.
But now I only hear the static
Of everyday life. The train that
Breaks the silence of the people
Chattering amongst themselves
About nothing of importance.
I was so afraid of them.
Why did you not come to save me?
I was caught in this binding circle
And could not help myself.

I felt you here again.
Weaker than before.
Calling out to the sea of names,
I asked for you.
You never answered my last request.
Do not leave me here, while everyone
Else is together.
They do not care for me. They do
Not care for you like I do.
Please... come back and hold me.
For everything is so cold and black
It is endless. There is no warmth here. I would like to feel what
Another feels.
Now I can't even do that simple thing.
But your smell, which could be
Compaired to the smell of the rain.
Were you crying? I will help if
You only let me.

Everything is gone. my taste
Has been burned long ago. The
Ashes still sting my tongue. Only
Then did I realize what I never knew.
As much as I hated to say it,
I needed to be with you to survive. For I cannot walk on
This path alone. I will stumble
And fall down many times, and will
Need to be picked back up.
For I am only a child.
Whilst I sit in ponder
I can only feel you in spirit. But
Not too long ago, that feeling was
Taken too. I could be surrounded
By people, but no one is really here.
Freezing and pale in the sea of
Names, I realize what was really true.
You were never there.
Just my old, tortured dreams.
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I'll be... leaving on Monday.

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... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts

Comments (8) | Permalink