Saturday, May 20, 2006

Bearded Dragon

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I get a cool picture in my head of a dragon wif a beard when I think of that...
But no, it's just a lizard.

I watched a moooovie today!
It was called "Fun with Dick and Jane".
Some parts of it was sad, but it was also vurrily funny.

I like movies, they're funny!

But now that's it over, I'm kinda bored.

*chases tail*

Okay, end of worthless post. :3
Bye bye everyone!
- Ari

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... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts

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Thursday, May 18, 2006

Foxy...

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I think Foxy Lady is my most favorite song ever.
Although I can't put it on here, since I get urges to do...things... when I hear it.

If you don't know what "things" means, spare yourself the guessing.
If you do, you're Josh. :P

Little known fact - Hendrix wrote tha song about me. I know, I'm just too damn sexy.

:3

Today was da first day ever that I've heard my Biology teacher say "raawr".

I was gettin' kinda tempermental in class and made a "bitchy" remark to anofer girl. He never calls on me ;__; I mean bitchy by the fact that I've probably been called a bitch because of it.
Hehehe

Jackie won't allow me to make lewd sexual jokes anymore. She says it's Kabu's fault. XDD

Ack, I got hit in the friggin' head by a softball! There's still a big bump on da back of me head.
Although it was one of the most ironic and humbling moments of my life.
I was walking to the outfield during an inning change, and some guys were throwing the ball around. Mengjie, my friend, got scared that she was gonna get hit, so I put my arm around her and said "don't worry, you won't get hit :3"
... and then there was a loud thud. Almost before I knew it, the back left part of my head was numb. Needless to say... after that it hurt like fuck. Yes, the IRONY.

I feel stupid now... although still foxeh.
:D

I must be a super klutz! A klutz so ungraceful that the world has never seen the likes of me ever before nor ever again!!

I can have grace when I try to, though *wink*

Cookies are yummy. Me wants some gingersnaps, mmm.

I have ten more days of school, including exams. How many do you have?

LIGHTNING!!! ;___; waaa... if yous didn't know, I am terrified of lightning. Izza phobia. Sometimes I feel like I can't even move or it'll hit me o__O
*clings onto the reader of this post*

Take much care.
<3
Kitteh

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... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts

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Monday, May 15, 2006

And now, the first actual post I've written in weeks!

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Behold.

Now, I need some counseling. But I don't feel like talking to a shrink, so I'll talk to you guys.

Erhm, it all started when I was born...

My family is one of the most dysfunctional you'd find in upper-middle class white suburban america. Most likely for the reason that we're lower-middle class and not quite white...
Because of these things, I have developed a few personality stipulations. Yes, the word "stipulations" shouldn't have been used there, but I think it sounds cool. I should have used the word "glitch", but I am me. Deal with it.

Ever since I was nine months old, I was essentially ignored. This is probably because after that, my sister was around.
Yeh, my parents got kinda busy.
With my brother and sister to preoccupy them, my parents forgot about poor Ari. I suffer from what I like to call MCS, Middle-child syndrome, although it doesn't make me strive for getting attention or make me a loner. Because of other things, I am the exact opposite of those instances.

But anyway, it's also because of being the youngest child that my sister gets all of the attention from my Mom and Dad (usually). This gave her the notion that she was always a lot prettier than me, which I know because she has expressed this quite a few times. She used to call me fat as well, but now that she's gotten twenty pounds heavier than me she doesn't have the grounds to say that. (Reason for eating disorder). It also gives me quite an inferiority complex since I'm the lowest on the "food chain" of my house.

Also connected to that is the fact that everything that happens, I get blamed for. EVERYTHING. My Mom even constantly calls me a failure, although I was never close to my Mom or my sister. There's all these lectures about how I need to be better, how I'm never good enough. I am who I am though, I'm not going to change that, but I think some part of me wants to please my Mom and that's why I try so hard in school. I do have a strong internal drive to get good grades though, so it may not have anything to do with that at all. More causes for my inferiority complex.

My Mom and Dad divorced when I was a kid. I still miss my Dad very much, I see him two times during the week and stay at his house every other weekend. We get along muuuuch better than me with my Mom. I am very dependant and tend to show signs of separation anxiety associated with people I'm close to.

As with my Dad, I am very close to my brother, so I have a perpetual tendency to be friends with guys. But, since a lot of friends, usually males, have left me over time, I also distrust them most. Although they seem to even out, it's more like... when I meet a maleish person, it takes me a long time to trust them, but when I do I trust them a lot. Yep, something like that.

My Mom also constantly threatens and tries to take my things away, seemingly just to make me suffer. (She's taken away my computer, video games, and camera for extended periods of time just because I did what I always do. Makes no effing sense.)

I guess that's all I can think of for now...

Oh, I should tell you, there's a weird ignoring cycle that goes on with me and my family every day. Especially with my Mom. It goes a little something like this...
Ignore : I am ignored for a long period of time. I am generally the most happy during this time.
Bash : Criticize Ari, this usually happens when people get mad at me doing my regular routine (I don't know why it randomly causes problems! ><) It goes from being specific to being very broad, yelling at me for everything bad I've ever done and calling me a horrible person. After the first ten minutes, I get numb to it.
Console : (which actually makes me upset and depressed) Give Ari too much attention, trying to make her feel better because you suddenly feel bad for bashing her so much. Ari is numb so she doesn't care.

Then the cycle repeats.

The Console stage is by far the worst of all. For example, this cycle happened last night. I got yelled at for 30 minutes by my Mom, then I went outside to think about some things for a while. She suddenly changed her mind about me being worthless and yells at me to get inside because it's not healthy for me to be outside (more like, if I die it's your fault?) I told her to leave me alone. But instead, she smothers me with attention, so much so it makes me want to vomit even when I think about it. My sister promptly comes in with her stupid "I know everything because I'm a teenager" mentaility and says I'm just going outside because I want attention. GODDAMNIT! I WANT JUST THE OPPOSITE YOU STUPID EMO WHORE! (Has a lot of rage right now) Hey, you're shrink-people, I'm allowed to get my anger out on you. :3
After I looked at the sky for 10 minutes, interrupted by my Mom at least 6 times, I went upstairs. She followed me. SHE FUCKING FOLLOWED ME. You don't follow me when I want to be alone. That should be considered common sense, but no, not to the retarted Mother. In fact, I'm still pissed about it. Anyway, I brushed my teeth and washed my face, while she hovered over me, asking if I was depressed/suicidal and wondering why I showed no emotions at all. Dude, I don't think she'd even care if I died. Stop acting all dramatic and leave me alone like normal. Then I went to bed... in which she kept on coming in my room to talk to me. FUCKER, LEAVE ME ALONE. Yes, I would have screamed that if I could feel any emotions. She doesn't take a fucking hint, and if I am depressed, a large part of it is how she's "nurtured" me for the past 15 years.

Well, that was a lot of typing.

Now, even though I'd rather be at school than my hellish home... school's anything but heaven.
People hate me so much that they throw stuff at me. Things like pencils, pens, empty bottles and cans, as well as food during luch. That's what I get for being multi-racial and too passive I guess.
I also have to endure people constantly caling me fat, stupid, and ugly. At least I don't get into any fist fights any more. That stopped around the beginning of middle school *yey*.
I don't know exactly why everyone who's lived here with me since I started school hates me. It seems that my only friends have moved here from somewhere else....

Ugh, I'm such a Meg. No one likes me. I'm gonna end up the old lady all alone with 20 cats... and even the cats will hate me. They'll only come to me to get food.

Prognosis?

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I saw The Brothers Grimm and Spanglish over the weekend. They're both good movies, go watch.

Uhh... I'm sowwie Kabu...

My brother's taking me to a RHCP and TMV concert in October. He's sho nice! *huggles him long distance*

This new song is aimed at a lot of people, and besides, it sounds pretty cool.

I wish I had Naruto's sexy no jutsu... *sigh*
Love, Me...?

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... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts

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Sunday, May 14, 2006

:3 I'm so awesome

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But kinda screwed.

My lyre for my trumpet broke a day before I needed it. I faked having it on friday, which may have worked... I think it did. But I think we're actually marching on Monday so it wouldn't work...

I didn't check my brothers trumpet case though, so I should do that later.

I need breakfast... or brunch... *tummy grumbles*

Uhh, I dunno why I'm writing this. ^ ^ I'm pretty happy compared to normal. Pro'lly 'cuz of a certain nice Turnip.

I think I need a shower.

Am I rambling? Yes, I think I am.

*takes a nap*

Lataz,
Ari

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... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts

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Friday, May 12, 2006

Take it easy gimpy

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I had a... scooter accident... yesterday. *can't bend knees* Dayumit!

Urr, it's Pappy's burfday today!! *huggles 'im* He's a man now! :D Go wish him a happy burfday! *doesn't feel like linking* it's up there on my page *points*

It's raining and sad... *sad*

My art stuff came in the mail today! *yey* It's for my final art project! I'ma paintin' sumfin!

^ ^

Uhh, I almost fell asleep in maf class today, so I'm really tired. I think I'm gonna go take a nap!
*nap*

Bie bie eberyone
*huggles*

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... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts

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Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Animalia-Chordata-Mammalia-Primate-Hominidae-Homo-H. Sapiens

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That's where we come from.

We are eukaryotic diploid cells with a notochord, hollow dorsal nerve cord, pharygeal slits, and a post-anal tail. What's more, we also have mammary glands and hair! Look at that! Five fingers on each hand AND fingernails!! Look at those opposable thumbs go! Our hands also close inwardly :3 cool huh? A capacity for language puts us at hominidae, although the rest is not very clear cut...

I had to disect a rat today... it's fur was yellow.
Gross.
I still smell like latex and my hands, formaldehyde.
I need to shower.
Badly.
The only way I was able to get through it was to get into a mindset where I just didn't care anymore.

Elsewise, it was kinda cool. They're a lot like us, although their similarities stop at the Order.

I have a band concert tonight.
Yay?
Then we're going back to learning marching band music and such for the memorial day parade (eew).

Yes, yes, I'll do that shower now.
After I have a sandwich. Me loves my sandwiches.
It's hard to eat when you feel like throwing up though.
*sad*

Take care everyone.
Love, Squishy

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... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts

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Monday, May 8, 2006

Oh my god, you look soooo good.

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*sniffle* I got complimented on my purdiness by a gay guy.

And a black gay guy at that, those are the pickiest kind. I feel so honored.

If you didn't know, my hair is straightified.

Everyone I've ever talked to in my life came up to me and gave me compliments. I'm still quite flustered. I know tomorrow I'm gonna get mildly depressed because I won't be the center of attention anymore.

All in all, because of that, my self-esteem is up much higher than normal today. Yey.


I had a dream last night. It owned. XD Kabu and I were in it. We was like, the main characters in an RPG!!
I was obviously some kind of character wif a high dexterity. I had a gun that also had this bayonette sort of short sword on it. Kabus had a giant axe thing. :O It was like, as tall as him! (Although he's kinda short) *snicker* I would draw it, but I feel... sedentary... at the moment.

Anyway, I seemed to be used as more of a diversion... >__> yeh. Then Kabu would sneak up and mercelessly pummel the weak fools into the ground. :D We worked as a team! And an effective team at that! We's didn't get beat, not even once!

Urr, I can't remember that much about it, but we were on some sort of quest to save a king and get some $$$. Yeah, we must've been mercenaries or somefin'. XP Psssh, you gotta pay half upfront, half after the job is complete!

Urrr, that's all I feel like talking about now. I kinda want to go to sleep... *has to study and stuff* dern. Oh well.

Take care everyone
*huggles*
Love, Squishy

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... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts

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Sunday, May 7, 2006

Leeches train the living

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My body hurts for some reason.
I hate being all depressed.

Too much homework. I feel all sad all the time and it's actually making me sick.

Nooo, I'm dying.

Jackie's helpin'.
Murr, I want meh Kabus...

I had this horrible dream last night. It involved me in the future helping someone who couldn't even remember who I was.
The rest is for you to ponder.

I constantly ponder my worth. Fun, right? Yep. It's fun realizing you don't mean anything.

I'm fucked. I'm a failure.
Later.

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... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts

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Saturday, May 6, 2006

Tira me a las aranas! rompe me el osico!

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Di me....di me ....vete ala chingada!

Si... me di.

Oh my. I can't explain how I feel right now. As some of you may know, I've been depressed for a very long time. It's been a few months. I've usually been able to keep it under the surface, but yesterday it pretty much snuck up on me and exploded. I started crying a lot. Sometimes I would know why I was crying, sometimes I wouldn't.

I think Jackie and Susan were the only ones who really noticed. Jackie the most pro'lly. Murr... they're good friends.

What the hell is going on? I think I understand now why people drink.


I wish I didn't have emotions... then I wouldn't be so stupid. I wouldn't care about these types of things any way.

Meh. Fuck it.
I don't love anymore.

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... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts

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Friday, May 5, 2006

Grrraaaaawrrrrrrr

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It's the sound I make when I'm disgruntled.

Okay, stuff happened.
Don't care.

Yeah.
Let's see...

I hate life. :D Not like that's new.
I think my life is an oxymoron... so... oxymoron time!

Shadow of light. Sweet salt. Loud silence. Screaming laugh. Sad smile. Dead life. Restless sleep. Stupid intelligence. Moving stillness. Grave frivolity. Worthless diamond. Correct mistake.

Damnit, I got today's SAT question wrong... I'm losing my touch.

Not that I ever had one to begin with.


My English teachers gave us an assignment to guess where we're going to be when we're thirty.

... you're wondering why I have a problem with that.

Well, I don't know if I'll even be alive by the time I'm thirty. Knowing me I'll overdose on pills or drugs or something. Speaking of that, I should start drinking... hmm... disregard that for now.
Anyway, I question if I'll still be around in a week. You never know with life.
My point is, I can't really guess, because my life seems to just keep going down...

down...

dooooown...

*thud*
Just kidding.
It's still going.

Maybe I should start smoking to take my mind off of things? That might work, but I'd have to get a job first.

Life sucks.

I want to go to you Stanfy, but I can't wait three more years to attempt to get out of my downward spiral. It's too much exertion to try to get out now, considering that'd only make it worse.

What'd I do to deserve this? Curse you God. If I could punch you, I'd give you a nice black eye right now.

And I mean that.

But alas, you don't exist. Silly me. If you did though, that's what I'd do.

Fuck it.

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... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts

Comments (1) | Permalink