Saturday, March 25, 2006

Oh, snap!

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German Engineering in da house, ja.

Love those commercials.

Although personally I prefer BMW.

Erhm... aaanyway, I've had a relatively interresting time since I posted last.

Susan came over to meh house yesterday!! :D *still giddy with excitement* We spent four hours... of doing nothing... o__O. Although she was petting my cat Larry for half an hour, then she told me she was allergic to cats. >__> I guess she was so excited she forgot.

She also played the piano, which she does extremely well. When she was warming up with her arpeggios, I noticed that those are what's in the Final Fantasy theme song. Like in da beginning of all of the old FF games. Hehe... sorry if you dunno what I'm talking about, but it hit me when she was playin' 'em.

But speaking of Final Fantasy... FFX was a real let down for me. I honestly don't like it that much. It's more like telling a story than an RPG. The dungeons aren't even dungeons, I solve one small puzzle then I'm done, where's the fun in that?? The cutscenes almost make me fall asleep. Oh, and I wanna barf because the characters annoy me that much. Yuna = too perfect; Tidus = too cocky; Rikku = too hyper, even for my standards, 'cuz I can get pretty hyper myself...; Wakka = I no speak english coherently; Lulu = too slutty in appearance, although I like her personality; Auron = the only slightly coolish one...

Sorry for the long rant.

In other news, you may or may not know that my spring break is this upcomming week! Yippee! That means I can sit around and be lazy all week! I'm overjooooyed.

I get ta go to Jackie's house too. We's gonna play sum games. Yey.

Uhhh, well, I guess I'm gonna go play B.O.T.S. now >__> because Kabu got me addicted...
(I think this kind of addiction is worse than sleeping pills, Kabu)

Later, you fiends.
*love*

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... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts

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Thursday, March 23, 2006

Exoskeletal Junction at the Railroad delayed

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Yes, it may just be jibberish.

You'll never know.

Spring break is comming up for me, yayness. I can be lazy! And even better, play Final Fantasy Ten (my bro just got a PS2 and some games). Late for a PS2 you say? Well, it was cheap, and he's poor... *shrug* it's cool anyways.

In band, we played first, then took our test. I hate Mr. Graham for that reason. My lips were totally shot from playing above a top-staff F for 45 minutes, so I did horrible on my test. I have to retest soon...

Not much work though, just gotta write a paper and study for a Bio test (which I really don't even need to study for). I don't think I'll have that much to do over break.

Susan taught me some chinese in ping ying the past few days. I be good! She taught me how to say, "You are an eggplanthead", and, "I'm incapable of speaking chinese" Hehe, the irony? I have a good ear, so I can listen to the tone well.

I got hit in the face with an alto saxaphone case at the end of band today. My face did a bit of bleeding, fun? Although it's kinda ironic, if you can tell me why it is, I'll give you a cookie and some money.

I need a haircut... haven't had one in over a year and a half. It's not that my hair is too long, although I'd like an inch or two off, but it's very split at the ends. I guess I should get it shorter though, it'd make me feel younger...? Eh, my hair looks good when it's atleast an inch longer than my chin because of the way my face is shaped. It has an awesomely cool shape mind you.

Is it so wrong to love someone?
*love*
Take care everyone.

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... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts

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Wednesday, March 22, 2006

It's never good to be complacent in an ever-changing world

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Or, in other words, it's never good to be static in a dynamic enviornment (the lessons learned from Biology and English).

I had to learn this lesson the hard way. Oh well. Be aware of it if you haven't had it shoved in your face yet, because it probably will be.

Nobody posts on Tuesdays.

But apparantly I do on Wednesdays, lucky you.

Monday night my brother came home from College for Spring Break. He's a cool dude, introduced me to a new band. I put up a song of theirs for today (and maybe longer)? It's odd, but I like it that way. The song also reminds me of myself, the 'beast' it talks about anyway... I danced to it earlier.

And that is a
rare sight
I'll have you know.

I guess I like its depth though, you have to be smart to understand what he's saying.

Yes, it is a he, he just has a very high falsetto... which scares me sometimes.

I don't have that much homework today, which is very very good. I have this headache.

*glares at Kabu* probably because YOU made me stop taking sleeping pills. I got this major headache during the night, had to take 2 Advil to get rid of that mofo. I didn't get much sleep either, so I'm rulleh tired.

I got my history test back today, it was harddd. 95, not too bad, eh? But not too good either... I got stupid stuff wrong >< 'cuz he made the test too long and I didn't have time to go back and check it over. Got 19 on the essay though : ) out of 20. Iz a purdy hard thing to accomplish *bows* but I'm just that good.

Ugh, band test tomorrow. I hope I don't crack under the pressure. I can get it right usually... but it's up there, and my lips have been very chapped recently.

I have tight lips and I blow well.

Hehe.

Why don't you play A minor Kabu?

I guess that's all I'll rant about today.
Listen to the song yo.
Peace out.
*love to all those who love me back*

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... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts

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Monday, March 20, 2006

MIA

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Missing in Action

I do not expect you to understand the complex inner workings of my mind.

They are either far above or far below your parameters, depending on who you are.

Hmmm, why am I writing this, you ask? I don't know, I answer. I am so perpetually odd.

Lotsa work, lotsa work... lessee what work the Kitty has.
-Finish da character descriptions in F451 for Engrish... eww.
-Finish art project (my art teacher's a frackin' whooore)
-Finish Bio lab (that'll take forevar)
-Study for test in AA
-Study for Quiz on Foundations of China

Ack, I gotta get started on all of that. Soooo, take care everyones.
Happy burftay Momo!!

You get this cake mofo.
I love all you cool folks. *love*

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... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts

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Sunday, March 19, 2006

You never know what you have until it's gone

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Truer words have never been spoken.

Okay, quick rundown of my life... I guess

School = meh/normalish... except for my bestest friend Jackie, she's like, da only thing that makes it okayish. My first year of high school is already three quarters over, so many things have happened this year... but I won't get into that.

Life = depressing/sucky, won't really get into that either. It's a long story, a very depressing one, and if you should know you already do.

I'm kinda sick lately, sleepin' problems, eatin' problems, depression problems, blah blah... that and I got this shitty headache in the lower right part that's been killin' me tonight. Make it stoppppp!

Days pretty much go by all the same recently. Been trying to clean out my closet, or so to speak. It causes a lot of pain, but I'm trying to get over it. Yay, tomorrow hopefully it'll all be done, then I'll finish my homework.

Yay cynicism and pessimism!

Nice pretty halo music to fit my theme. I guess it deals with the peace of my imagination juxtaposed to the harshness of reality. I try to stay in my own little world, in denial of the world around me.

I feel so old sometimes, yet I'm just a little kid. I guess that means I'm just wise? Or I get my ignorance beaten in my face a lot so the bruises make me feel smarter?

Papa! Stop molesting me! ><

Hahaha

Well, that's all I'll bore you with right now.
Take care everyone.
I love you <3 (You know who you are)

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... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts

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Saturday, March 18, 2006

Under Construction

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Stupid song isn't working, rawr.

Maybe I should try a different approach...

Sorry, just being random.

WELCOME ME BACK!!!

Har har.

It'll probably be done by Monday. I'm hoping atleast... take care everyone.
I love all you special people, but only the special ones, you know who you are.

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... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts

Comments (3) | Permalink

Thursday, February 9, 2006

   Things

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Sorry I haven't updated lately... I guess it's a combination of a lot of things... stress mostly.

My life seems to have gone in a nice little downward spiral since the new year started, and the only thing I can do is cry about it. Somewhat ironic? Maybe.

I slept since I got home, and it's about 8 now, so that's around 5 hours. Eh, the only thing I feel like doing anymore is sleeping, to escape to the dream I wish was my life, where I had a chance...

I have work to do, so I guess I should get started on that, but I don't really feel like it. It's also nice that my grades are dropping too : ) I love getting C's, wewt wewt.

That was sarcasm, just so you know.

It's hard to concentrate, the stress on my body is getting to be too much to handle. I can't breathe through my nose, I wheeze when I breathe normally, but if I try I can stop, which is what I did today at school... I'm losing my voice, my muscles constantly feel week, partly due to the weight lifting I'm doing at school and partly due to the lack of eating. Oh yeah, I was only able to drink water today, and that was only after my workout, an I could still barely keep it down. I'm not hungry though, my stomach doesn't seem to have an opinion. My eyes constantly hurt and it feels like there's something pushing on them from behind, my vision will blur sometimes. I will randomly start scratching a section of my skin, eventhough it's not itchy, usually until it bleeds, I dunno, it makes me feel better I guess. I've had a headache for the past two weeks or something and it refuses to go away, I've tried heavy pain killers and it still bothers me. I threw up when I tried to drink water a few minutes ago. I seem to get a twitch in my left foot at times and I dunno what to do about it. And the list just seems to get worse every day...

Normally I'm very good about covering it up, I can be at school and horribly depressed and put up the cheeriest expression. Something was different about today, though, four of my friends thought there was something wrong with me. Maybe I'm losing my touch? Three of them were very close to me, so while it shocked me, it wasn't that amazing because they're around me so much. I was surprised with a certain friend, though, he's only been my friend for a month or so and he was able to pick up on the change, but even he second-guessed himself with that, said his mind was playing tricks on him or something. Maybe he's psychic, that'd be cool.

In weight lifting, I tried to bench press today... my friend was my spotter. I can chest press 45, so I figured I would be able to bench the 45 pound bar. I guess I was wrong. I got past the 5 reps, but I guess that was the breaking point for me, the bar slipped out of my hands and fell on the upper part of my chest. It hurt vurrily bad, but my teacher gave me ice and put so much pressure on it that it barely left a mark. I wonder what would've happened if there was more weight on it and it hit higher up on my neck... it'd probably collapse my trachea. That wouldn't have necessarily been a bad thing though...

I can't touch the area under my eyes or my nose, I took off all of the skin last night when I rubbed them too much so now it hurts when I touch.

Last night I didn't get much sleep, but something odd did happen to me. It happened once before, similarly, when I'd woken up from a dream, but I really wasn't awake... I couldn't move my body parts, although I could feel myself slightly floating upwards, for lack of a better term. I'm not crazy! Okay, maybe I am... but it pretty much happened again last night, although I was prepared for it. Maybe I was going to heaven? That'd be kickass, so I just rolled with it, eventhough it was veeeery freaky. Although I freaked out when I was like, a foot or two above my bed and my whole body kinda just spazmed, like when you have a dream where you fall off of a cliff then wake up right when you hit the bottom. I have those anyway... my Papa said iz like, what happens when you leave yer body? I dunno... but it was kinda cool, maybe I could travel across the world when I get the hang of it! Sweet.

I really should get started on that work now...

Oooooh well.

There's so many people in the world when you think about it. You're 1 out of 6,000,000,000. That's like, .000000000001 percent... or something... I don't feel like doing the math. I suck at math anyway. What's going to change when that percentage dies? Nothing. That's all... nothing... that person is forgotten, unless they had something to live for. I wish I had something to live for. Actually, I do... but it is probably a worthless cause. I don't think praying helps anyway, it's probably just me talking to myself at night. 1 person... can't change much. Just another face in the crowd. As my old Language Arts teacher said "Remember, you're unique... just like everyone else." Hah, he liked to demoralize us. The irony... I guess that'd make me feel special if I had an identical twin? But also not, because someone is the exact same genetically as me? Whoa, I gotta stop there, me trying to be philosophical is not a good thing.

I hate myself!! And I'm not afraid to tell the world! Hahahaha, I feel like bursting out in laughter to hide my pain, and as a sort of irony I guess, hence the little laughy smiley at da begging of the post. I like irony, it's what makes people, people.

Man, what I'd give for a random terrorist to burst through my door and shoot me fatally in the head... Hell, I'd pay 'im to do it.

Things don't usually turn out how you'd wish...

I'm retarted!!! Maybe... seems that way. I should dig my own grave and pay a hobo to burry me alive! That'd be cool.

I feel dizzy.

I reeeeeeeeeally should get started on my work... apparently I'm too lazy to, though, yippe!

I'm far past due from the day I should've been dead... maybe it's coming back to bite me.

I guess something interresting did happen today though... the guy who sits a chair ahead of me in band, who's also a freshman, is a "friend", for the fact I sit by him... something like that, anyway, we were both bored... in a place in a piece we were doing where we (trumpets) had a large section of rests (about 36 measures if I remember correctly), sooooo we decided to be dumbasses, which was very fun. I was basically immitating the band director and his hand movements, except exaggerating the movements, and he used his hands and fingers to immitate the melody and percussion of the piece. Everyone was looking at us like o__O but we didn't care. And then... he looked over... and caught us in the act, and might I say, he looked ammused, but also pissed off... he started yelling at us, but I couldn't hear much of it over the band, we started cracking up though, as well as the people around us. That was the first and pretty much only time I smiled today now that I think about it. Odd, but understandable.

I think I've done enough ranting now, but then again, my life is just a worthless rant. No one should have to sift through all of the crap. I am such an idiot to think my life could've turned out like that.

I may be suffering from a form of PTSD, weeeee. So says Susan anyway... that would explain why my body involuntarily starts shaking a bit when I say or hear a certain word. What be that word? None of your business.

Death is just another part of Life.

I love someone who's name starts with a "Ni" and ends with an "ick" But no, it ain't Niick, just so you're aware.

Hope all of your lives turn out better than mine.

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... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts

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Thursday, January 26, 2006

The Perfect Situation

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Sorry I haven't updated in a while, guess I've been busy with school and stuff.

I should go take a shower soon too, my curls are dying, and that is a sign!

My sister just called me a retard, haha, she's nice.

Umm... what's goin' on with me... eh... I don't really wanna talk about it, but the ironic title of this post suits me just fine.

Ooo, there's a song like that too, by Weezer, it's a good song.

I woke up in the middle of the night, around 2ish, and had to get sum warm milk to get me back to sleep. On the way to the kitchen, I saw the moon out of the window, I said a prayer to it ^ ^ but that is something you don't need to know, so I won't tell you what it was about.

Hey pachuco!

o__O

I love jazz... hehe.

Wait, then why am I listening to Fall Out Boy?? O_____o

Oh well...

I got a history test tomorrow, gotta study up for that!

We're doing weights in gym class right now, I hate weightlifting, but hopefully my muscles will get stronger...? @___@ We'll see... I doubt it.

Love is meant to be true.

I had to write a journal about what I would wish for if I got 3 wishes, hehe, I think they're really good. Nothing selfish either... although I think really I would've changed one of them for something else... I not say what that would be!

I wish my last name was Cool, I'd be, Ari Cool, or if you said it all professionally, Cool, Ari. XP

I give kisses to people, noooo, the chocolate kind, they're yummy. I only give the other kinds of kisses to... eh, nevermind.

I forgot about my puppies o__o they're probably dead... but it makes me sad when I play da game! ><

Don't forget about me...
I love you Nick *hug*

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... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts

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Saturday, January 21, 2006

The song myself sings to me, and I sing to him

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Life is hard, don't complain about it.

Chances are, you have it pretty good compared to some people.

I had it good, but I was always looking at what I didn't have instead of being happy for what I did.

And now I'm really close to losing all of it.

Don't ever give up.

Some wounds heal, some don't.

Treasure every moment you get with life, especially the moments you're with the one you love, you never know when they'll be taken away.

Everyone loves differently, don't judge someone's love because it's different, or "not as good", as yours.

Look inside yourself, see if you have someone in there that you want to be. Someone made me realize that I had a person like that inside of me, and now I'm trying to bring her out.

I may not be beside you anymore, but I'll always be behind you, like my angel is always behind me. She pushes me and tells me to get better, to never give up.

No one is born how they want to be, you must be shaped by events and trials.

Think for yourself.

Fight for what you want, fight with everything you have, and maybe you can get it. Sulking about it isn't going to help. You have to scream and bite and growl to get what you want sometimes, you just can't lose yourself in the process.

Everything happens for a reason.

Keep and keep and keep and keep.

Life is just a game, do your best to not lose.

I have two angels who help me, I am a lucky sonofabitch.

When you're sad, you lose those moments forever where you could've been happy.

Things that you really, really, really want will rarely come easily, be prepared to get off your lazy ass and do something about it.

What's fair is usually not what's going to happen, the world will be cruel, the one you love may be cruel, but you have to not give up because of it.

No one's perfect, everyone deserves a second chance. Everyone makes mistakes.

I wish I could be beside you...

I wish I had wings, so I could fly to you... but I shouldn't envy the butterfly, because it doesn't have what I have, it will never have what I have.

The eagle can fly high in the sky, but it will never have love.

I probably just said it... but don't do anything you may regret. In this huge ocean of chaos that is the world, you don't want to lose what makes you happy, when you lose that, the world can break you.

A cookie can (not) cure all wounds, I'm sorry to say.

Take care everyone.
I love you Nick *hug* ^ ^

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... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts

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Friday, January 20, 2006

Sleeping was God's way of creating a temporary death

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It seems both me and Arumi don't have anything left...

I just woke up, after getting about 12 uninterrupted hours of sleep. That's the longest time I've ever slept in recorded history, considering I usually would have to wake up and go to the bathroom or something along those lines. But nope, not even any "dreams", only sleep. I guess there was a dream, but it didn't wake me up after it was over, so I don't consider it a dream.

It was very nice too, I didn't have to think about anything, there was just peace. I guess it's one of those things that fools your mind into thinking all is right with the world.

When I did wake up, I didn't have a reason to actually get up... So instead I contemplated the meaning of my life, which seems to have dissappeared faster than the sun disappears over the horizon when it's time for sleep. I don't have much driving me on, the only thing that seems "fun" to do is sleep, and why get up when I'm already there?

In fact, I'm getting tired again. I don't know if the next time I go to sleep I'll wake up or not. I don't see myself getting anywhere in my life. So I guess I just want to tell my story in case I don't get another chance to.

And it is odd, over a few weeks, my life seems to have gone from singing in Heaven with the angels to laying down in the 9th level of Hell having a chat with Satan over what went wrong in my life, or even if I was supposed to have a life in the first place. My friend called me Nameless, it seems I am, a person who just wanders around the Earth eventhough someone forgot to put a soul in it. So I try to find my place like a regular person, but there is no place for me.

Most people have goals of someday becoming wealthy, or famous, etc. etc. I don't have any goals like that, and it seems the one I do have got in a car accident or something, I can barely see myself happy in the future anymore. I hope it gets out of the hospital soon... if I won the lottery, or became very sucessful, or got a great job and made a lot of money, or even won the nobel prize for some great thing... I'd give all of that stuff up to someone who wants it more, someone who deserves it more than me. Someone who those things could make them happier.

I don't think I can even feel much anymore. I feel numb to physical pain. My cramps don't hurt anymore, I tripped in the kitchen over my cat and fell. I could tell I'd be bawling normally, but it felt like the hurt was only there for a second before it went away. The bruises on my arms and legs prove that it happened too. Maybe when I feel too much pain, my body just stops responding to it.

But it seems the devil is actually myself. In my dream, or something analogous to it, I saw myself, and she talked to me. I was standing in an empty white room, with a window. There was no way out, but out of the window, the only thing I could see was darkness. There was a lady staring out the window, she was naked, and so was I. She turned around, and it was me. It wasn't myself as I am now, though, it was an older me, like me in five years. She was very beautiful... and she didn't look like a kid. Her eyes looked like they held all the secrets of the world, but they were so warm and nice, they made me feel better. She was aonly a little bit taller than me, but something about her made it seem as though she was larger than life. And her smile that was gentle, made me feel very comforted. She walked over, wrapped her arms around me and gave me a hug. I hugged her back. It didn't seem possible that she was me though, but she insisted that she was. Hah, I think I felt somehow how Chii feels with Freya. It is odd... but anyway, she told me that she was the person I was inside. It seems more like the person I wish I could be inside, but I won't question my dreams. She told me she was going to try to help me, and that everyone was going to be alright. I have to wonder who she really was... but all the time, she gave me advice, told me not to worry, to have faith in myself and the one I love.
But it seems odd that myself has faith in me but I can't have faith in myself... if you can understand that. I'd ask her if I could become her, she said yes, that I'd only have to let go of being a kid and grow up. I don't want to grow up... but she said that I'd change for the better, and then all of my life won't be in vain. I wish I was her... then I'd love myself, but she said I'd have to love myself as I am now in order to change. And I want to change... so I'm going to try.

After she let go of me, we layed down on the ground together, and the sky turned into the sky at night. There were many pretty stars, things that I can only wish I could see, it's not easy to see stars here. Then the moon rose from the edge of the sky, and I felt myself crying. She pulled me over on her and I remember exactly what she said, "There there Ari... don't cry. Please don't cry. Even if worst comes to worst, you will always live on in each other's hearts. I wish I could tell you that I know what's going to happen, but honestly I don't. Just calm down and remember that whatever happens is what God wanted, and it's for the best. You don't want him to be with you if he was supposed to be with someone else." I guess that made me feel better, but I asked how she would go on by herself, and she told me to remember that love always lives on. That she'd make sure she would "live and die as someone who loved with their whole heart." I still don't know what that means... I don't know how that'd make it easier to be alone. There was much else that was said between us, but I feel I shouldn't share all of those private things. But before she left and let me sleep again, she said "Ari... please listen to me... if you pray and hope, then your prayers will be answered, and then you can finally be happy. I'm sure of that." I slipped back into the blackness, and didn't think any more.

Myself... I hope she is right... I hope I can become her, I hope I can love myself, I hope I can become that kind and beautiful and comforting. She was like an angel though... I don't think I can become an angel, but I really want to try. I want to let myself change, change into something wonderful and full of wisdom and hope, someone who is able of purely loving someone else. I think I'm gonna go take a nap or something... maybe think... figure out if I can change that much... if I have any worth any more... ask her some more questions in my head... maybe something great can become of the monster that is me.

I have to watch the movie by myself... hopefully only temporarily... how long I can last, I don't know.

I just wish I had someone to hold me under the water while I drown...

Someone there to catch me when I fall...

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... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts

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