Tuesday, November 22, 2005

A Lack of Color

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And when I see you
I really see you upside down
But my brain knows better
It picks you up and turns you around
Turns you around, turns you around

If you feel discouraged
That there's a lack of color here
Please don't worry lover
It's really bursting at the seams
Absorbing everything
The spectrum's a to z

Ah, ahh
Ah, ah, ahh

This is fact not fiction
For the first time in years
And all the girls in every girlie magazine
Can't make me feel any less alone
I'm reaching for the phone

To call at 7:03 and on your machine I slur a plea for you to come home
But I know it's too late
And I should have given you a reason to stay
Given you a reason to stay
Given you a reason to stay
Given you a reason to stay…

This is fact not fiction
For the first time in years…

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... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts

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Saturday, November 19, 2005

Tangled in a web of misery

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It's impossible to get out now...

The Patient

A groan of tedium escapes me,
startling the fearful.
Is this a test?
It has to be.
Otherwise I can't go on.
Draining patience.
Drain vitality.
This paranoid, paralyzed vampire act's a little old.

But I'm still right here,
Giving blood and keeping faith.
And I'm still right here.

But I'm still right here,
Giving blood and keeping faith.
And I'm still right here.

I'm gonna wait it out
Be patient.

If there were no rewards to reap,
No loving embrace to see me through,
This tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now.

I'm gonna wait it out...

If there were no desire to heal
A damaged and broken man along
This tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now.

I still may.
And I still may...

Be patient.
I must keep reminding myself of this...

If there were no rewards to reap,
No loving embrace to see me through
This tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now.

And I still may.
And I still may.
And I still may.

I'm gonna wait it out.
I'm gonna wait it out.
Gonna wait it out.
Gonna wait it out.




Well, I'm not doing very good today. I think I've been able to fool a few friends, but I can't really fool myself that well.

Nick was gonna be gone all day today. Last night, my heart actually felt like it was getting colder when I heard this news. I really don't understand how an emotion can make your heart literally feel like it's heavier. Maybe emotions are caused by some magic... *ponder* it's very strange.

I started crying a little bit... but it's such a silly thing to cry about, so I stopped myself. But I relapsed a bit later and started crying again. I didn't wanna tell him though... it's not like he should have to stay home all the time to keep me company. He deserves a life too.

I wish I didn't have a life... I don't want one. My Dad's making me go to his friends house tomorrow it seems... early in the morning... so I won't be home 'til late... I don't wanna go... my weekend is supposed to be relaxing... but now the only thing it ends up being is a giant headache... no one would ever understand, especially not my love-retarted parents... but I digress... life can't be fucking perfect....

That just made me sadder, finding that out, and I think I'm relapsing again...

You really don't gotta read this if you are, it's just me ranting. My life's way too stressing. I have an assload of homework to do but I've lost my will to do anything today or ever again at the moment. I can't relax, EVEN ON THE WEEKENDS. THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A RELAXING DAY AND YET THE ONLY THING I'M ABLE TO DO IS SULK AROUND CRYING.
I can't take all of this shit... it's driving me up a wall, why can't everyone just leave me alone? I'll keep doing my school work, talk to Nick, and sleep, just don't make me do other things, it gets too complicated...

Back to last night... my body actually invented a way for me to be able to stop thinking about Banana. My brain started producing a low-pitched sound, I knew it wasn't a real sound because I plugged my ears and it was still there... It was like the sound a crystal glass produces, except its pitch was a lot lower than normal. It was probably a Concert B. Every time I'd think about him, the sound would get louder in intensity. It got so loud eventually that it overwhelmed my thoughts and I coudn't hear myself think, so I had to start humming jingle bells to get it to go away and actually get to sleep.

I had many different dreams, very short ones. I woke up very frequently, Every time I woke up, I'd just start thinking about Nick, with no transition from my dream to thinking about him. But the sound in my head would come back to deter me and get me back to sleep. But it got to the point at 6 when I couldn't go back to sleep. So I layed in my bed for about an hour and just stared at the ceiling. Watched some TV... and then Nick came on for a little bit. Talking to him just made me more sad though... it was just like I was being teased with something I can't have.

I have absolutely no appetite... so more sulking for me...

But I must digress again... there's nothing I can do right now. Maybe I'll watch a movie... that's what Nick's doing anyway...
I love you Nick...

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... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts

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Friday, November 18, 2005

And the word of the day is... fucking!

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Psssh, my word of the day every day is fucking.

Well, I've had an okay week, haven't been doing much. My day usually consists of...
- being somewhat depressed, 'cuz da Banana ain't here... *sniff*
- being happy when da Banana is here! Yay!
- School... it sucks... so much work....
- Sleepin', it's hard work. Actually, last night I got the first good night's sleep I've gotten in awhile. I only woke up once when I must've twitched or something and my pillows fell off of the bed XD I woke up and was like... heyyyy... where'd my pillows go?

I don't think I've metnioned much about school... hmm, well, I'm 7th chair out of 19 in Concert Band, which is the second best band out of the 4. (In order of goodness: White Symphonic, Blue Symphonic, Concert, Wind Ensemble) I'm hopin' to move up atleast a little bit during the year, but I dunno there's a lotta good people who are older than me in front of me. I'll just have to keep trying though.

Bleh... I'm gonna go do somefin', maybe I'll post more another day, see you guys later!
I love you Mr. Banana...

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... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts

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Sunday, November 13, 2005

Velociraptor mongoliensis...ACK!

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Don't hate me jus' 'cuz I'm beautiful!!... and have cool hair!

Wah! I'm really sorry I hardly update anymore!! I guess I'ma just extremely lazy...

I'm watchin' this show about dinosaurs right now... raaawr, I wanna be a dinosaur! They was cool. Maybe I could be a velociraptor, they was da shit! They actually say that it was the turkey's ancestor! So think about that when yer eatin' on Thanksgiving! They was about the size of turkey's too! GOBBLE GOBBLE!!!! They was uber fast, and had feathers! Da feathers and long tail helped them stear purdy much, and they had this big toe with a huge claw! They think it was used either as a foothold, so it can grab onto da prey, or maybe it was used to pierce prey's jugular vein so it would die fast! Heheehehe, but their legs were still vurry powerful! They was good kickers XP And they had these kewl teeth that were serrated!!! *bites Nick's leg* Rawr, I'ma velociraptor! I should do a project on dem for Biology!!... haha, although I don't think we're gonna spend a lot of time on dinosaurs, hehehehehe.

Wow, that was a long rant...

Hehe, velociraptor's was birdies, birdies now have da flu... and iz deadly o__O Don't die from the birdie flu anyone!! It'd make me saaad... : (

Teh first quarter of school be over... time flies, eh? Hehe, mah grades...
English: A
Bio: A
P.E.: A
Computer Science: A
Band: A
Adv. Alg: A
Acc. World Hist.: A-

Wow, I'm a boring person... you think I could've gotten one A+ in there! Oh wells... iz still a 4.05 GPA or somethin', so I'm content.

Heheheheeh... and now I'm thinkin' about all dem dynasaurs... what about ankylosaur? Iz like an-kyle(like the name!)-o-saur, gots nofin' to do with ankles XP They got dem big tails! TO CLUB THINGS WITH!!

You got nofin' on this, bitch, haha.

Okay, enough rantin', I'll head out now XP Take care everyone!
I love you Banana! *kiss*

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... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts

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Tuesday, November 1, 2005

Too many reese's... *burp*

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XD Messin' with photoshop. Dat's li'l Nick right there, and my trumpet mouthpiece! 'cuz I'm so artsy, ya know? Dat's his li'l tag right there, awww. Hehe, and my 3C mouthpiece, which totally rawks. I should get a 1 1/2C for concert band by next year... better tone. I'll probably need a good trumpet too, my marching one is totally trashed. Li'l Nick looks a li'l squished too... poor li'l guy *gives 'im a kiss and hugs 'im*

Sorry I haven't been able to post for awhile, MyO's been buggin' on me since Friday! Onto the post!

My days have been alright recently, although people've been givin' me reese's! So my tummy hurts a wi'l bit... Niiick, rub my tummy!

School's been just fine, marching band's ending this week! We have an indoor concert on Friday, so we're spending most of our time building up our endurance for that. I'm actually gonna miss marching band, it was kinda fun... in a twisted, sadistic sort of way o__O

Bahaha, my English teacher said I was funny today, 'cuz we were playin' a game and I was teh scorekeeper and got bored and drew a kitty with the chalk XD It was a stoooned kitty, but no one needs to know that... haha, either that or it was high off of loooove. We were also working with a guidance consular a bit today, and although I didn't talk to this 'er, she came up to me when I was working and was like "O__O You're probably a good student, get A's right?"
Ari: o__O *creaped out* yeah...
Lady: A+'s?
Ari: Not so much...
Lady: Well, that's better, it's a 4.33 instead of a 4.0
Ari: Uh huh...
Lady: I can tell by the way you work.
Ari: Oh...
Lady: What's your last name?
Ari: Pereira...
Lady: Oh, then I don't have you
Ari: Uh huh *in mind: yesssss*

hahahaha, she creaped me out a bit... but then again psycholologists freak me out in general, the way they're all O_______O like.

Not really much else to report about school...

Although when I got home today, I made that picture down there *points* It took me awhile -__- I'm a retard... it could've taken me two minues if I wasn't so stupid!

Hmmm... this mornin', when I was going out to the bus, the sky was the loveliest shade of pink, and the fluffy clouds had a lightish purple tint to them. It reminded me of you. The wind was quite strong, it almost suceeded in pushin' meh around and messin' with me, but it was also gentlish. It made me smile for some reason, maybe because it was acting like you. I could see the clouds bein' hurried along the sky, maybe they had somewhere they needed to go. I dunno where that is exactly, but I hope they made it there safely. The leaves were all bein' blown around too, it was realleh purdy, with all dose colors. I remember seeing a tree that was red with pink on the tips of the leaves. It looked like it was on fire!... a pink fire anyway XP
Then there was this one tree... it was teh most beautifulest goldish yellow color! Eventhough the sun wasn't out, it was shining! Infact, the tree looked like the suN! I wanted to climb up it, then go to sleep, 'cuz it looked so warm and comfortable! ^ ^ Like yooooous *hug* I wanna go sleep ontop of yous too! 'cuz yer so tall, like teh tree!
But now that I look at the sky, it's back to a normalish blue... of course, that doesn't stop it from reminding me of you.

In gym, after we did out warm-up run, I sat down and felt my heart beating. I thought of you, and how your heart must feel. I felt happy.

Take care everyone, have a day!
I love you Nick! *kiss*

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... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts

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Thursday, October 27, 2005

Do not disturb this blood red earth...

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There's giants sleeping beneath.

I felt it fit teh song that I'ma usin'! So I dreeew it!

Wah, I'm boreeeed, so I decided to post...

Band was sooo coold last night, my fingers started turning purple!! Good thing they didn't fall off O__O We did about an hour of recording for teh CD... then we did the rest today in school. I'm guessin' the band directors are reviewin' it as I type, so then we can finish anything else up next week on Wednesday night, the last wednesday rehersal! It was li'l Nick's first Wednesday night rehersal too, and so cold! The poor little guy was probableh freezin', owwie. I nursed him back to health though!

I left my flash drive in teh Computer Science room yersterday! Silly me, good thing the teacher picked it up! Wah! I still got that exponential decay problem and the rounding up o___O Gotta get that fixed tomorrow...

Gotta study stupid vocabulary for english for homework... but I get to go home from school after 3rd period tomorrow!! *Kitty dance*

Bleh, stupid people were abusing li'l Nick in Health while I was drawin' >< I got sooo pissed, good thing I was in a very passive mood at the moment. Then they abused me some, goddamnit, I don't want to see a picture of a guy in a thong!! I was about to wring their necks... good thing the period ended. o_____o

Sooo many classes to choose from! I must sign up for Sophmore classes in January! SO SOON! I must get it all organized!

Like anyone actually reads this...

Hahaha, well, Nick's comin' back tonight, so I'll just stay here and wait for 'im! Have a day!
I looove you Banana!!

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... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts

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Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Shelter me from this sky

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Dance with me one last time

Blaha, sorreh for not posting... I have a lazy streak in me, and I'm quite busy.

Marching band to be over soon!! Or atleast, today's evening practice is the second to last! YAY! *dance*

Banananananana's leeeavin' today, he won't be back 'til late Thursday, waaaa... I'll probably nap a lot 'til then, o'course, after I get my homework done and all caught up...



We had a moth problem, and in it they had a person who has the same name as my right hand! It's a nice name, Leona, iz like a female version of Lion, which is like lion! 'Cept you say it leeeon... if that helps any... but it means lion! RAWR! O__O Hahaha, I didn't know you were gonna turn into a lion Banana, it be a silly coincidence! But then again, a lot of things with us happen to be silly coincidences.

Kitty was thinkin' about some stuff... soo... I'll write it here. It's for Banana, that's why it's invisible!! But it's also public, so you can read it if you wanna!

I looooooooooooooove you Nick... You talked about a doggeh a few times, I wanna get you a poochy, infact, you can even name it Poochy if you wanna. Kitties can get along with poochies alright, I'll just have to fight my impulses!! Don't worry about stuff too much, like what'll happen to us *hug* Everything'll go by pretty fast, then everything will be how you like it. I'm suuure of it! I got the best luck in the world anyway! *cling* I wanna make sure yer aaaalways happy! 'cuz I can't stand it when yer saaad!! I wish I could spend eeevery day with you, it'd make teh whole day worth it! I hope it could happen one day! *kiss* No matter how improbable stuff seems!!

Haha... I'm starting to call other people Banana's name. Sometimes I'll catch myself when I'm doing it, but other times the other person ends up bein' all confused o__O I'm not Nick... Teehee

Bwahaha, I spent 3 hours working on my computer science project this morning. Accidentally deleted it once -__- right when I had most of it working... but I got it all working again! Now I just have to figure out how to get it to round up (for some reason it'll only round up odd numbers right now O__o) and starting when you click the compute button the third time the average starts exponentially declining by 1/3 XD I have to get mah teacher's help on that one, it doesn't even seem mathematically possible!!!

My silly friend decided to write me a note on the lunch table with colorful sharpies. Some people are gonna be mad about that XP. It said "Hi Wrath ^__^ *glomp*" Hahahaha, that's my name! Pssh, don't mess with an angry Kitty O___O 'cuz even I can't control what I do at times....

Crazy history teachers, ahahaha, they're great. I wanna be a history teacher, I'd be so silleh.

Anyway... I'm done rantin', sooooo, have a day!
*kiss* I love you Nick!

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... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts

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Monday, October 24, 2005

I will follow you into the dark

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Love of mine some day you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark
No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark

If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule
I got my knuckles brusied by a lady in black
And I held my toungue as she told me
"Son fear is the heart of love"
So I never went back

If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

You and me have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes are all worn down
The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
Cause we'll hold each other soon
In the blackest of rooms

If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
Then I'll follow you into the dark



>__> Bleh... I'll update tomorrow or somefin'!
<-- lazy kitty

I LOVE YOU NICK!!

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... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts

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Tuesday, October 18, 2005

...put the gun down... and let the marching band go...

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Yes, yesterday's post was very half-assed, so, today you shall get a full-assed post!!! YAY!

I'll save most of the mushy stuff for... other places...

I was thinkin' about some stuff today. I hope I don't die in some tragic accident... *ponder* that'd be sad, 'cuz it'd be before "my time". Although it would be pretty kickass, hahaha. Then I'd go wherever you go when you die! Like heaven or hell or limbo or one of those places. Something like that anyway. Maybe you get reborn, hehe, that'd kinda suck, it's like getting recycled, and you'd have to start all over again. Hopefully that don't happen o__o. Maybe we just stop existing, like, maybe there's no such thing as a soul, maybeh it's just our brain! I dunno, it'd be sad if that happened too, 'cuz this is all the time I'll ever get! I wanna try to make the best of my time 'round these parts, and time seems to go by pretty fast right now, especially when I don't want it to... 70 or sum years ain't enough when you think about it, 'cuz yer not even an adult 'til you're 18, and you don't get out of school 'til around 22, so it's 48. Then, yeh only look good for a li'l bit, and your body starts decaying. It's like, at 21 or something, really early o__O Insane, I know. Then you work... and if you're lucky, when you're in your 50's you get to retire! It depends on how much money you make... then you spend those years bein' old and crusty and scaring the shit out of kids like me, hahahaha. I dislike old people for some reason... I'll probably be scared to look in the mirror when I'm old. It'll be like "FUCK! EEEW! I'M AN OLD PERSON!"

Hmm... I wrote some stuff down on the bus ride on Saturday as we were leaving...o__o It's poetic... jeesh, I'm so weeeeird.
Seeing the fluffy white clouds pained across the sky, as if by God himself, reminded me of you. I know you would've liked to look at them, they were especially pretty. You could lay on the grass all day, and I could lay beside you; we could stay there as long asyou wanted. That seems kinda impossible to do now though...
The sky seems like an endless sea of dreams that have yet to come true.
Maybe that's the reason why it's such a lovely shade of blue.
So very beautiful and high above, that which we cannot touch...
I never thought I could ever miss you this much.

I dun't think I mentioned that in New York, I saw this little stuffed bear when we stopped at a souvenier shop. Hahaha, we freaked out the tourists sooo much. 300 kids just came walking into this mall and then run out. They were probably like o___O what was that?!?! Hahahaha, anyway, I named 'im li'l Nick, and I wuv him soooooo much, probably 'cuz he reminds me so much of the real thing!! I carry him around all the time. ^ ^ He's had some really weird adventures! Including sleeping on wobbly parts o__O and stayin' in my shirt most of the day. I'd like to put 'im on my trumpet, but I'd need some rubber bands to make sure he's secure.

I gots a Band audition next Monday, just got the piece today. It's hard! And we have to learn it on our own, aaaand I don't have private lessons or anything, so I'm probably gonna fuck it up a lot, I can't sight-read worth shit! I learn music by playing it with repetition in band, not realleh on my own... I'ma practice lots and stuff, hopefully learn the music in the next few days, focusing on notes, legnth of notes, accents (although it really only looks like there's a legato part at the end I'll have to look out for). Then after I get that stuff down I'll look at dynamics and try to perfect that kinda stuff. I'ma reeeeally try to get in Concert Band, or atleast the White band... 'cuz I'm purdy sure the Blue band is teh freshman one. I mean, I am a freshman, but I'm pretty good biznatch. word.

The Band, Choir, and Orchestras are going on a trip to Virginia in April... I'll be gone for 3ish days. Actually, it's more like 2 and a half, 'cuz I'm leaving at 9pm on April 26th and coming back at 8am (driving all night it appears, both coming and leaving) It'll be fun though, I'll just miss teh Banana bunches (hahaha, banana, bunches, get it?... like bunches of bananas!! haha... it's not as funny now that I explained it -__-) Anyway, Jackie's in the orchestra! She's like my best friend here!! ^ ^ Maybe I can room with her! I'd be teh shit.

NO BAND REHERSAL TOMORROW!! ^ ^ Mr. Z canceled it 'cuz we're doing good and we don't need one!! Haha, it's more like, we don't really need one and he doesn't wanna waste his time. More Banana time for meee!!!!

Oooo, and I gotsa Dentist appointment in like, an hour! So I gotta leave for that soon! *brushes teeth* >__> whaaa?? Just makin' sure it's all clean...

*kiss* Have a good day Nick!
Take care everyone!!

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... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts

Comments (2) | Permalink