Monday, October 4, 2004

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Mood:... you have no idea....

Yes... the past 18 hours have been a nightmare for myself... I will explain, but it will be long, and you don't have to read if you don't want to. For your convinience all important text proceeding this message will be bolded.

It started when I was online talking to J-chan when the instant messanger wasn't working, and it wouldn't allow me to type anything. I felt really bad, so I went downstairs to make myself some dinner. I was in the house alone last night for my sister and my Mom had gone out shopping for food, it was also getting close to 9pm, and J-chan had signed off already, and AIM still wasn't functioning properly. I tripped over my feet and fell down about eight stairs, my arm felt pretty numb. I got some ice and looked around for my dinner. I didn't have any, it seems that my sister ate what was supposed to be my dinner for lunch earlier that day.

With my stomach growling quite loudly, I listened to my music and tried to calm myself down so I could get to sleep. The bad thing, ever since I could remember, going to sleep was the one time I had to myself, and the one time I could feel peaceful in a day. The peace did not come, and it was about 11:30 when I fell asleep, I heard my family come home, but I was unaware of the time in my pre-dream state.

Before continuing, I must tell you a little bit of background information. For the past week or so, I've been having nightmares when I go to sleep, and they all have to do something with someone I hold near to me getting hurt. Of course, I much regret getting close to anyone, for as well as that making me vounerable, it will also end up hurting someone along the way. My dreams have also started to incorporate friends who I've somewhat grown attached to (you know who you are) via a thing I am now someone despising and loving at the same time, a thing that is called AOL Instant Messanger. For, there are extremely few people that I see who I can call my friends.

Now, back to that night. I had another one of my nightmares, involving J-chan yet another time, and this night she was hit by a car, and it was all my fault. I was able to help her, but I do not know how it ended, for I woke up at which point my clock read 3:10. This was basically a normal expirience by now, I know some would call it crazy to think that is normal, but I was able to get to sleep after a few glasses of water and a little bit more calm music. The next dream I had was the one that got me very frightened.

In this dream, a certain person got shot(thank you Wolf's Rain, thank you) although I am not telling you who, for I do not know if that would change our relationship or not. In my dream, this person was just trying to help me, and did, but at the cost of his/her life. I was forced to sit by and watch, I could not help in any way, and I felt so sad that it is indescribable. I was forced to watch this person die in front of me, and to see the color of someone's skin drain from their face is indeed a sad sight, and yet, this person didn't blame me. I was awoken when I felt myself crying and my tears on my pillow. It was 4:30, not yet in any of my dreams has a person died before, I was mortified. I think that the part I was the most upset about is that I do not want people sacrificing what they have for me. I don't want to be a burden, especially because my life is worthless anyway. I wish I could take back all the things I've done to mess up anyone's life....

I could not get back to sleep, and so I got up, got dressed, and watched my fish swim around in their tank for about two hours. I did not eat breakfast, for some reason I was not hungry. I was able to go through most of school with somewhat of a smile on my face, although a few people could tell it was fake.

It was then in band class, where I felt very bad indeed. I think I failed my test, for my mouth was not working correctly. I felt very bad, for now I know that is not even a talent of mine.

At lunch, I also found out some grave information, Jess had cut herself, or atleast, to my extent of knowledge she has. I really hope she was joking, for she had a smile plastered on her face the whole time. I want you all to wish her some sanity in that thick head of hers, or atleast, I don't want her to be in the position I am in right now. I shall talk to her about it tomorrow and see what happens, but I will also have to make sure I am not hypocritical in what I say.

I am now at home, and I had to endure yet another ride on the bus that I think lowered my IQ to new depths it never knew. People who support Bush are ignorant dumbasses. That is all I have to say on that matter.

I have a bunch of stuff to do tonight, as I have also found out that I have a math 'Quest'(a quiz and a test) tomorrow, and I have no idea what we've been talking about for the past week. I don't understand any of it, it's as if it is a foreign language. I must study and do all I can to prepare myself tonight. I also have a science project due wednesday, and I have to be creative to get all of the points (20/50 are for creativity). She says that we should use our stregnths and talents, the thing's that we're good at, to create something original. The problem behind her reasoning is that I'm not creative and I'm not good at anything except for making people's lives horrible.

Now, seeing as that I haven't eaten anything since Sunday morning, I shall go have myself a snack. And so you know, I'm not starving myself or anything, I'm not stupid. It's just that there is not anything to eat at times, and what is left to eat, is eaten by the people in my family who are higher in the heirarchy than myself (everyone). I hope you all have a nice day, and don't worry about me, just worry about yourselves and everything will go as it is supposed to.


Dark- you are a dark person, nobody really likes
you but you still have your friends. your
pretty quick to anger and that is one reason
you are not very popular, you are not very
social, but that is your choosing...


What Kind Of Person Are You? (Great Anime Pics) (Girls Only)
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You are Form 1, Goddess: The Creator.

"And The Goddess planted the acorn of life.
She cried a single tear and shed a single drop
of blood upon the earth where she buried it.
From her blood and tear, the acorn grew into
the world."

Some examples of the Goddess Form are Gaia (Greek),
Jehova (Christian), and Brahma (Indian).
The Goddess is associated with the concept of
creation, the number 1, and the element of
earth.
Her sign is the dawn sun.

As a member of Form 1, you are a charismatic
individual and people are drawn to you.
Although sometimes you may seem emotionally
distant, you are deeply in tune with other
people's feelings and have tremendous empathy.
Sometimes you have a tendency to neglect your
own self. Goddesses are the best friends to
have because they're always willing to help.


Which Mythological Form Are You?
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...tears within


Who Are You From Within? (Anime Images used)
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The Hybrid:

The Hybrid is the symbol for Change. You have a
two faced soul that may reflect inside your
personality.

Strengths: Even though you may feel like an
outcast to the world, you have the eyes to see
beauty in things better than anyone else.
Magick is also a strong key in your life and
healing is one of the past time rituals you do
best. Whether it be a wounded friend or a
broken heart, the world never seems to knock
you off your feet for long.

Flip Side: Having the Hybrid soul brings to you
the transitions between Rebirth and Death.
Sometimes new thing come while others die away
more often than you think. Shapeshifting is
another point kept closely to the Hybrid soul,
for you always tend to change your looks and
personality to either fit it, or to get out of
the mainstream society. You keep your friends
puzzled, and always surprised.

Congratulations! You have a Hybrid inside!

What's Your Inner Beast? [pics]
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... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts

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