Monday, October 25, 2004

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Mood:...

Today sucked... so bad... it's unbelievable. I don't even think I can describe what I'm feeling right now. This whole day... was a mess....

Why is it, that in my life, I either get an A or I fail. It's so strange, I mean, I could settle with straight C's or whatever, but it's always either good or bad.

The Good:

I think I got either an A or A+ on my band test today.

I didn't have to take the Gym test because we won the Superbowl.

The Bad:

I was late for L.A. because of gym, like this hasn't happened before....

My friends... it seems... have betrayed me. I am stuck, with the enemy, in L.A. FOR TWO WEEKS!! I don't even think you people are able to comprehend the complexity of this situation. I do not work well with those who, in other situations, I oppose. It would be compairable as me working with George W. Bush. Now you start to understand.... So yes, they abandoned me, just because they wanted to sit together. But then again, I am being somewhat selfish in saying this... grr, but I don't give a shit. They did not notice, and even if they did, they probably wouldn't even care, and I was crying at that point when they basically abandoned me. I don't even think I have friends anymore. HOW CAN YOU USE SOMEONE LIKE ME THAT WAY AND NOT FEEL ANY PAIN FROM IT???... hmm, it's probably because I'm even more insignificant than I thought... but you know, traitors are said to go to the deepest level of hell....

I probably failed my Geometry test. I think I have test anxiety for that class, because when I looked at the paper, all of the postulates, theorems, laws, ect. just felt like they'd go out to eat and exit my brain. Basically, I was left with my chapter three test and only the vague concepts of algebra that felt like they'd help me. I have no doubt in myself that I failed, miserably at that. I have no doubt that I'm going to have to repeat Geometry next year, unless my Mom works out a deal with Mrs. Craven and gets me a tutor or some help or something so I can do better. All I know is that when my Mom sees my report card, she's going to think that I started drugs or am in a deep psychological stage of depression because of my pitiful grades. I'll probably be seeing a psychologist and/or visiting a rehab center sometime in the near future. My whole (really short) life has been for nothing. I'll be in a mental institution before you know it! Happy, happy day....

Maybe, in Heaven, I was a messed up soul, you know, like in a manufacturing plant where they have the messed up toys/food/ect. I was probably supposed to go to the place where all regects go and stay there for all eternity, but for some reason I was shipped onto Earth and now I'm here.

I also barely saw J-chan today, and she might really be the only friend I have left (how could I reguard the other two as friends???). I really miss her... *sigh* I hope she comes back to lunch tomorrow, it's really lonely without her.

I also had to walk home after Jazz band practice (I'm not in it, we practice a piece of music two times and then we have the try-outs). It wasn't fun to say the least... In band there were 16 trumpets trying out, probably only 9 are going to make it... I'm really going to do my best, it's something that I really really want right now. I want it so bad... but knowing my luck, I probably won't get picked.... It took me about 50 minutes to walk and I think it was 2 miles, I'm not sure. Oh, and you know what the best thing about that is? I think I need a chiropractor now. My back hurts so much. You'll be surprised at how much a 15 lb. backpack seems to weigh after ~2 miles.

And you mustn't forget...

The Ugly:

I feel very ugly right now on the inside. I'm too jealous and selfish... I just want to cut up my outside with a knife to make it as ugly as I am on the inside.

... I hope tomorrow goes well... until then, I will do my homework to the best of my ablilities (which aren't very good) and curl up on my bed, continuing to keep a stern look on my face so that no one must know what I am going through by looking at me.

Sade: King of Sorrow

I'm crying everyone's tears
And there inside our private war
I died the night before
And all of these remnants of joy and disaster
What am I suppose to do

I want to cook you a soup that warms your soul
But nothing would change, nothing would change at all
It's just a day that brings it all about
Just another day and nothing's any good

The DJ's playing the same song
I have so much to do
I have to carry on
I wonder if this grief will ever let me go
I feel like I am the king of sorrow, yeah
The king of sorrow

I suppose I could just walk away
Will I disappoint my future if I stay
It's just a day that brings it all about
Just another day and nothing's any good

The DJ's playing the same song
I have so much to do
I have to carry on
I wonder will this grief ever be gone
Will it ever go
I'm the king of sorrow, yeah
The king of sorrow

I'm crying everyone's tears
I have already paid for all my future sins
There's nothing anyone
Can say to take this away
It's just another day and nothing's any good

I'm the king of sorrow, yeah
King of sorrow
I'm the king of sorrow, yeah
King of sorrow

Have a good day everyone.

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... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts

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