Friday, April 15, 2005

The Mask I Wear

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Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
For I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks-
masks that I'm afraid to take off
and none of them are me.
Pretending is an art that's second nature with me
but don't be fooled,
for God's sake, don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure
That all is sunny and unruffled with me
within as well as without,
that confidence is my name
and coolness my game,
that the water's calm
and I'm in command,
and that I need no one.
But don't believe me. Please!

My surface may be smooth but my surface is my mask,
My ever-varying and ever-concealing mask.
Beneath lies no smugness, no complacence.
Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, in aloneness.
But I hide this.
I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my
weaknesses
and fear exposing them.
That's why I frantically create my masks
to hide behind.
They're nonchalant, sophisticated facades
to help me pretend,
To shield me from the glance that
knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation,
my only salvation,
and I know it.

That is, if it's followed by acceptance,
and if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself
from my own self-built prison walls

I dislike hiding, honestly
I dislike the superficial game I'm playing,
the superficial phony game.
I'd really like to be genuine and me.
But I need your help, your hand to hold
Even though my masks would tell you otherwise
That glance from you is the only thing that assures me
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.

But I don't tell you this.
I don't dare.
I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh
and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing,
that I'm just no good
and you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game
With a facade of assurance without,
And a trembling child within.
So begins the parade of masks,

The glittering but empty parade of masks,
and my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that's nothing
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying
Please listen carefully and try to hear
what I'm not saying
Hear what I'd like to say
but what I can not say.

It will not be easy for you,
long felt inadequacies make my defenses strong.
The nearer you approach me
the blinder I may strike back.
Despite what books say of men, I am irrational;
I fight against the very thing that I cry out for.
you wonder who I am
you shouldn't
for I am everyman
and everywoman
who wears a mask.
Don't be fooled by me.
At least not by the face I wear.

- - Unknown
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Report cards came in today! Let's see what I got...

Band A+
Geometry A-
Physical Edu. B
Language Arts A+
American Hist. A+
Science A+
Art A+

semi wewt?

w00t for 4.162 grade point average!!!

Eh, oh well, I'm stupid. 3/4 of the school year done!!!
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The Jazz Band concert went alright... I think they made us go first so our feelings wouldn't be hurt. All of the 4 Jazz bands played. In order of skill...

Middle School Jazz Band
(HS) Jazz Lab
Jazz 2
Jazz 1

Blargeth, they be so good... and there were two jazz singers. One was in Jazz 1, she was like, wow good, like, everyone wishes they could sing that good... but we can't... but she wasn't in the jazz band, she was a senior from choir, probably going to be on American Idol next year or something...

But the first singer, who was really really good also, she's just a freshman. But she was in Jazz 2 and played the trumpet. When I say good, I mean good. She's really really prettyish, and according to a poll she's going to be the valedictorian (I don't even know how to spell that I'm so stupid) in her senior year. She's also really popular, not like preppy popular, just the good type of popular so everyone knows you but you don't conform to other's standards... and they say that no one hates her...

Unless she has some personality flaw that I'm missing, she's pretty much perfect... ahahaha, look, I made a funny....

I'd give up almost anything to be like that... the reason I said almost is because I'd like to keep my soul among a few other things...
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There was also this cute high school guy sitting in front of me after we were done playing... it took me a while to regain sanity and went something like...

"BAD ARI! HOW DARE YOU DO THAT!!! *slaps self*

Weirdness...
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I am also now officially starting the list of women (or girls, female, whatever, you get the idea) from any anime, video game, manga, etc. that is perfect and of whom all womem hate... if you haven't figured it out already. I would also like a brief list of the things they do in their perfection that are annoying, seeing as I do not have the time to know every bitchy perfect girl.

I'd also like the co-founder of... well, I still don't have the name for the "club" yet... but reguardless it is Mangoes... to check when I can't to make sure of their bitchiness. Thanks a bunch!

We shall start the list with...
Kagome (Inuyasha)
Julia (Cowboy Bebop)
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Now, onto the commenting of comments!!

Mangoes "Hey PIG! I know your at that jazz thing right now, but I said I'd check out your post and so I am ^_^

The survey is kinda crazy lol, I don't have time to take it cus me sis is needing the comp but I shall come back and get it! *If I remember, which knowing me, I won't T-T* Thank you for the reply to my comments!

Lots of luv from the 'silly English person'

^O^ Mangoes"

Yay, thankies for checking it out. Yes, 'tis crazy, and it's good of you to kinda remember... hehehe, but you are a silly english person! Oh, and we won the war of 1812 against you, so HA!!!!! *sticks tongue out*
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Monkey "Awwww... now im going to be alone tonight... because Mr. Nick wont talk to me...
lol... Red Omega was me.. its my backup profile..."

Poor monkey... *hug the monkey* I'm sorry... why won't Mr. Nick talk to you? Does he hate you? Bescause you're very luffable *more monkey hugs*... how do monkeys hug anyway???? O_____o Yup yup, I know... now... a little late, but I do....
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Mr. Nick "Did you get that quiz off of my site? Did you read my quiz?

Don't every question my math, i'm always right. Seriously.

Why would you straighten your hair? I never do anything special with my hair, when i look back i wanna see what my hair looked like, not what it could look like...if that made any sense...

Call of the wild, whoo!! *a woman and a young child pass by* 0_0

Later."

Oh my, you are one perceptive lad!!! *muffin* Yes and yes, although you are kinda weird and the answers were kinda freaky... scary man... Sure... you're math's ALWAYS right... hehehehehe. I straighten my hair to make me look somewhat-pretty... and no, that did not make any sense... and you probably shouldn't do that 'call of the wild' thing too much, you're freakin' people out.
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Faroe: "I wish I had time to take that quiz."

Meep, don't we all... I wish I had time to finish my math test and not fail on it today... *sad*
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Krystale: "hehe..awesome survey..I know a little more about you now. YAY!!!! XD"

Hehehehe, thank ya, although, I don't know if that's a good thing XDD
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Jess: "Hey Ari how come I am not on your friends list? *twitch* I want my smootie back!"

Nyaaa! *hides* I'm sorry!
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Samanosuke: "And I thought I was the one with the most time on my hands. You type alot. That or you type without mistakes and you type fast."

It's pretty much the latter, except I do make mistakes a lot, especially because this keyboard sucks and I've been typing for like, an hour... O____O
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Lots of Luff

- - Piggy Ari

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... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts

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