Friday, May 13, 2005

Close the door, there's a draft in here

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... I... made a new friend today... it's an orange... that I named potato... *sigh* he's the only one who understands me....

Pretty pathetic, huh?
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You don't really have to pay attention to this anymore... it's getting boring, I know. You can stop reading now... I don't want anyone else to be depressed.
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Entry 18: The End...?
... I've filled this thing halfway up already... failed entries, secret thoughts, and the ones that actually made the cut... and now, I feel like a malfunctioning person...
I have been doing much thinking too... and I figure, since I might not be coming back, I might as well tell everyone what I've been thinking about.
I really am very useless... And what was dragging me along all these years... maybe one day, I would be needed. I thought that someone out there needed me, more than anyone else... I need to feel needed, protected, safe... but that is something so rediculous that only a child like me could come up with... everyone bussies themselves with another person. I was always th eodd one...the odd number... there is no one.
Why did I find out the truth so late? Ignorance is stupidity, and I must be the dumbest one of all... then again, I was never very smart... or lucky... and then, I'm so sick. I'm probably going to die anyway. Of course, I'm probably sick because I'm so depressed. The mind can change the body subconsciously... scientists have done many tests to prove it....
I think I've already used up enough emotions for one lifetime anyway... and atleast there isn't anyone who needs me that I have to wory about. I do not need to worry about makng anyone sad, for there is no one to make sad.

Fine

I heard a sound
In the back of my mind.
Was it you?
No, it couldn't be.
For there is nothing there
Anymore. Only space.
The wind is chilling.
Frightening, it scares us all.
Feet shuffling below me
Going nowhere in particular.
But move on their own, as if
Pulled along by something else.
A breeze which turns into a
Violent gale abruptly.
The time that never stops and
Never breathes, and it has left me
Lost, scared, confused.
Like I have always been.
Wandering all alone.
The trees. Rustling their foliage as if locks of hair stay rooted.
Unlike the weak one
That is myself.
Straining to control everything
The result is a futile effort.
And the strain only weakens the
Frail spirit that has fallen far
Down the way. Fallen farther
than most. You know that.
But there are other things
Lurking in the shadows.
Stretching. Reaching to get out.
I have fallen to the
Bottom of it all.

Chilling, the strands of broken
Memories flash off and on.
I cannot tell what is real and
What is what I wish.
Things would have been different
If you were there.
They would have been better.
The specters re-emerge from the
Past to haunt me once again.
Although seeing you
Bright and smiling can always
Make my day better.
For your kind words heal
Even the deepest of scars.
No matter what has happened
Even if everything has collapsed.
You are so truly special to me.
But sight has left me once again.
I can still feel you though.
I smell you, and hear your
Mellifluous voice, that is the song
Of a sweet cello. Never rough,
Always calm... but disappearing
Into the sounds of everything else.
Why are you so quiet?
I can no longer feel you here.
Where have you gone to? I will
Always be looking.
But now I only hear the static
Of everyday life. The train that
Breaks the silence of the people
Chattering amongst themselves
About nothing of importance.
I was so afraid of them.
Why did you not come to save me?
I was caught in this binding circle
And could not help myself.

I felt you here again.
Weaker than before.
Calling out to the sea of names,
I asked for you.
You never answered my last request.
Do not leave me here, while everyone
Else is together.
They do not care for me. They do
Not care for you like I do.
Please... come back and hold me.
For everything is so cold and black
It is endless. There is no warmth here. I would like to feel what
Another feels.
Now I can't even do that simple thing.
But your smell, which could be
Compaired to the smell of the rain.
Were you crying? I will help if
You only let me.

Everything is gone. my taste
Has been burned long ago. The
Ashes still sting my tongue. Only
Then did I realize what I never knew.
As much as I hated to say it,
I needed to be with you to survive. For I cannot walk on
This path alone. I will stumble
And fall down many times, and will
Need to be picked back up.
For I am only a child.
Whilst I sit in ponder
I can only feel you in spirit. But
Not too long ago, that feeling was
Taken too. I could be surrounded
By people, but no one is really here.
Freezing and pale in the sea of
Names, I realize what was really true.
You were never there.
Just my old, tortured dreams.
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I'll be... leaving on Monday.

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... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts

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