Sunday, June 26, 2005

I'm still right before your eyes... I've always been here.

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When I look up, I see the same Moon you see.

Yesterday was a… very lonely day indeed. Guess I’ll just put up a song to explain how I’m feeling, I still have problems with saying things. Hmmm…

Hoobastank – Pieces

Turn around and pick up the pieces.

I, like a rock, sink,
Sinkin’ ‘till I hit the bottom.
The water is much deeper than I thought.
Nothin’ to swim with,
Kickin’ but I keep sinkin’.
A lesson that no one could have ever taught.

And I can almost breathe the air right beyond my fingertips.
I’ll turn around and pick up the pieces.
One more push and I’ll be there, right where I belong.
I’ll turn around and pick up the pieces.

I see the picture,
Blurry, but now it’s in focus.
A fairy tale I’ve purchased on my own.
I finally woke up,
Everything is better.
A chance for me to open up and grow.

Suffocating, sinking further, almost every day.
Barely treading water knowing I will not give up.
I will not give up.
I will not give up….

‘Cause I can almost breathe the air right beyond my fingertips.
I’ll turn around and pick up the pieces.
One more push and I’ll be there, right where I belong.
I’ll turn around and pick up the pieces.

Rudely awakened, bored for a few hours… needed to do something, so I convinced my Dad to let us go on a hike. It was fun, but it was very hot, so we only stayed out for 45 minutes or something. Saw fishes, and frogs, and things that looked like miniature lobsters, and tadpoles… Got home and there wasn’t really anyone to talk to … ‘cept for Mangoes for a lil’ bit, if she didn’t talk to me I probably would’ve went insane… although she had work to do, so I was still bummed…. Yeah, that was pretty much my day, just sat around on the computer for seven hours, doing absolutely nothing, lonely as hell. Everyone’s out having fun… except for the hermit.
Although, there was a gap in the lonliness when I wrote the Banana an email to keep myself sane.

I guess I really can’t be alone all the time, it drives me crazy, especially when I have nothing to do. My sister just spends all her time on my Dad’s laptop listening to music videos of weird punk-rock bands, my Dad and Step-Mom are either taking care of the baby or working… though, I couldn’t really do anythin’ with my Step-Mom, she doesn’t really have nice things to say to me ever. I think sometimes she doesn’t mean to hurt my feelings, but she does so inadvertently because she does it all the time, whether conscious or unconscious. Of course, no friends to chat with….
Near eight or something there were really random lightning strikes, absolutely no rain. Curse this drought, the dry air is just gonna make this crap go on… I have this stupid phobia of lightning/thunder, so I was spazing for awhile. Just listened to music loudly to get my mind off of it, although now my ears kinda hurt now. The feeling seemed to be mutual with the TV though, it would freak out every time there was a lightning strike. Poor thing… it was pretty much hiccupping.

It seems there isn’t much keeping me going right now.
-Video games help take away the pain of boredness for periods of time.
-The occasional talk with a friend, even if it’s less than a minute long… which is the case some of the time.
-My cats are really much smarter than most would guess, Larry always seems to know when I’m at my lowest points in the day and snuggles up to me until I get happier. He would rather do that than splay out in the sun… aww, that’s so nice of him.
-And, of course, who could forget him, Nick. Even when I think about that silly polar bear, which is pretty much all the time, it lifts my spirits up. The emails are so nice, sometimes it’s like he never even left… although I greatly miss the guy. Mmmm, it’s only a few more weeks ‘till he comes back; it feels a lot shorter if you put it into weeks instead of saying a month (Mangoes helped me with that). I hope he’s doing okay…. *dance*

The only other thing of actual importance is probably the fact that, since I’m feelin’ crummy, I’m not going to make any effort to get online regularly for awhile, along with other things. Probably won’t update on Monday, could update on Tuesday, and almost guaranteed to update on Wednesday, ‘cause I need to check with my e-mail and I guess to make sure you guys aren’t going crazy because of my absence…

Ha. Ha. Ha.

Just gonna sulk and lie around tomorrow…

Doot doot doo. That silly guy… just wanna give him a big hug.

Take Care guys!!

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... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts

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