Saturday, November 19, 2005

Tangled in a web of misery

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It's impossible to get out now...

The Patient

A groan of tedium escapes me,
startling the fearful.
Is this a test?
It has to be.
Otherwise I can't go on.
Draining patience.
Drain vitality.
This paranoid, paralyzed vampire act's a little old.

But I'm still right here,
Giving blood and keeping faith.
And I'm still right here.

But I'm still right here,
Giving blood and keeping faith.
And I'm still right here.

I'm gonna wait it out
Be patient.

If there were no rewards to reap,
No loving embrace to see me through,
This tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now.

I'm gonna wait it out...

If there were no desire to heal
A damaged and broken man along
This tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now.

I still may.
And I still may...

Be patient.
I must keep reminding myself of this...

If there were no rewards to reap,
No loving embrace to see me through
This tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now.

And I still may.
And I still may.
And I still may.

I'm gonna wait it out.
I'm gonna wait it out.
Gonna wait it out.
Gonna wait it out.




Well, I'm not doing very good today. I think I've been able to fool a few friends, but I can't really fool myself that well.

Nick was gonna be gone all day today. Last night, my heart actually felt like it was getting colder when I heard this news. I really don't understand how an emotion can make your heart literally feel like it's heavier. Maybe emotions are caused by some magic... *ponder* it's very strange.

I started crying a little bit... but it's such a silly thing to cry about, so I stopped myself. But I relapsed a bit later and started crying again. I didn't wanna tell him though... it's not like he should have to stay home all the time to keep me company. He deserves a life too.

I wish I didn't have a life... I don't want one. My Dad's making me go to his friends house tomorrow it seems... early in the morning... so I won't be home 'til late... I don't wanna go... my weekend is supposed to be relaxing... but now the only thing it ends up being is a giant headache... no one would ever understand, especially not my love-retarted parents... but I digress... life can't be fucking perfect....

That just made me sadder, finding that out, and I think I'm relapsing again...

You really don't gotta read this if you are, it's just me ranting. My life's way too stressing. I have an assload of homework to do but I've lost my will to do anything today or ever again at the moment. I can't relax, EVEN ON THE WEEKENDS. THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A RELAXING DAY AND YET THE ONLY THING I'M ABLE TO DO IS SULK AROUND CRYING.
I can't take all of this shit... it's driving me up a wall, why can't everyone just leave me alone? I'll keep doing my school work, talk to Nick, and sleep, just don't make me do other things, it gets too complicated...

Back to last night... my body actually invented a way for me to be able to stop thinking about Banana. My brain started producing a low-pitched sound, I knew it wasn't a real sound because I plugged my ears and it was still there... It was like the sound a crystal glass produces, except its pitch was a lot lower than normal. It was probably a Concert B. Every time I'd think about him, the sound would get louder in intensity. It got so loud eventually that it overwhelmed my thoughts and I coudn't hear myself think, so I had to start humming jingle bells to get it to go away and actually get to sleep.

I had many different dreams, very short ones. I woke up very frequently, Every time I woke up, I'd just start thinking about Nick, with no transition from my dream to thinking about him. But the sound in my head would come back to deter me and get me back to sleep. But it got to the point at 6 when I couldn't go back to sleep. So I layed in my bed for about an hour and just stared at the ceiling. Watched some TV... and then Nick came on for a little bit. Talking to him just made me more sad though... it was just like I was being teased with something I can't have.

I have absolutely no appetite... so more sulking for me...

But I must digress again... there's nothing I can do right now. Maybe I'll watch a movie... that's what Nick's doing anyway...
I love you Nick...

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... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts

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