Wednesday, January 4, 2006

Current Events:

---

---

Look into a kitty's eye...

Well... there have been a few things of noteable interrest that have happened recently. I guess I'll start with the dream I had last night. It was very disturbing... although I can still recall it in vivid detail. I guess it was more of a nightmare rather than a dream though... Another odd thing about it is it's the first time his voice has ever been incorperated into a dream of mine.

You don't have to read unless your name stars with a "Ban" and ends with an "anananana". Or something like that anyway... I can't ever remember...

Dream:
I was in a room in a house, it wasn't my house though, possibly Nick's house, or maybe a future house that we'd have together. I was sitting on a cream-colored couch, watching TV, although I guess more accurately would be I was laying on Nick.
Anyway, the phone rang and he was sitting right by it so he picked it on. Shortly after, while still on the phone, he pushed my head off of his lap, got up and walked into another room. This being very uncharacteristic of him, and very odd, I got up half a minue later after debate with myself and followed him to see what was the matter.
He was talking to someone on the phone, and when I got enough to hear, he said, "I'll call you back in a few minutes." I asked what the call was about and he said in a somewhat joyful manner "my old girlfriend's coming to town tomorrow for a few days."
This comment I guess just stunned me. I couldn't really form words at this point, or atleast, no coherent sentences. I think they were supposed to be things like "what?", "girlfriend?", "are you kidding?", "What's going on?", etc. He didn't really answer any of my questions, but only talked about how many times they had "slept together", for lack of a better-sounding term, before I was around.
I started crying, I could feel my body shake, and in a moment of extreme anger I picked up a book and threw it at him, saying something along the lines of "It was supposed to be me! How could you lie?" He tried to move out of the way, but it was a large hardcover book, and caught him on the shoulder, which pissed him off. He then grabbed me in somewhat of a headlock, not proving to be much resistance to him, he threw me out of the room and locked the door behind him. I didn't move much and only thought about how quickly I went from a 10 on the happy scale to wanting to die. I could still hear him talking through the door, and although I know I heard "I love you" right before I woke up.
When I did wake up from the dream around 5, I was still crying, very disoriented, and my hand was shaking. I didn't calm down until I was able to bring myself back to sanity after 5 minutes or so. It was scary... how real it seemed.
And yet, eventhough it has been consuming my thoughts throughout the day, and it seems I should be angry... as if he did somehow do it... I did the exact opposite. What got me back to sleep was the sound of his breathing in my head, it makes me feel so warm and safe. I know he'd never do something like that to me... would you Nick?

He really has the nicest breathing I've ever heard... I love him so much....

This morning I also learned that the really young couple who lived a few doors down the street have been having a rough time, the husband just died two days ago. It's so sad, they were only in their late 20's. The guy would play with thier little boy every day outisde. Why did something like that have to happen to him? Not the dilusional lady down the street who's 90?
If something like that happened to Nick... I dunno how I'd be able to keep on living...

If you don't breathe, I don't breathe.

But I guess I'm just ranting... that's all that's noticeable that is going on. I need a nap... maybe some Nickums... those are like the best crackers ever if you didn't know, you can eat 'em with everything, they iz yummy.

Take care everyone.
I love you my Banana *kiss*

---

---

... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts

Comments (0)