Saturday, January 14, 2006

It's about 4:45

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In the mornin'...

I still haven't been able to get to bed... oh how many thoughts are going through my head... thoughts about him and her...

Events are starting to unfold that may forever destroy my dreams.

He would so easily give me up for her. I'm so insignificant to him... he said he didn't know if he'd kiss her, or say he loved her, yet he stressed how they were only friends.

Am I so easily forgotten... please Nick, remember that I love you, remember that you love me, you want to be with with.

My mind just won't shut up, it won't let me go to sleep. I want to dream about when there wasn't any other that you would dump me for. It hurts me so bad...

I prayed to God... I prayed to him so many times... that he wouldn't allow me to lose you... I want to be with you... I know that you'd be happy, and yet you can't wait, you let the little things get to you.

Why do you have to do this... if you love me... why have you made yourself so readily available to be in another relationship?

Why was she so lucky... why am I not there... why... why why why... and now all that you said is no longer true. You don't want to hold my hand... you're letting go of it to grab someone else's... and I wish there was more I could do. I want you. Your voice is like hearing heaven to me. You look so wonderful. You're so cool. You got closer to me than anyone will ever get... but I guess that still makes me easy to replace.

Please, give your hormones time to even out with the girl, I've been under the curse of infatuation. It can't possibly replace my love for you though. Please stop yourself before anything happens, please hold on for our sake like you said you'd try. I promise, I'll make you the happiest person ever.

I love you... I love you... and I hope this isn't pushing you away... I just need to plea. I need to plea so you won't leave me. Don't say that your love for me was a lie. I know it's so hard for you, I'm so sorry. But how can you be willing to give me up? Why will you let your emotions tell you what to do? Why would you be willing to cheat on me? I'm sorry I can't be with you, I wish with everything I have to wish that I could be, and my cries to you still seem to go unanswered.

I'd lay in my bed and go over it so many times. You've changed so much so that you're not allowing my love, just because you like her. She means more to you than me, but I want to mean the most to you. I don't want there to be a chance that I lose you. I know the distance is unbearable, and that you want someone you can hold, but please, just wait for me.

I remember you saying you can't avoid her... but... god... that doesn't mean you have to like her like that. Love conquers all... but that's only if two people love each other, not if one's unsure whether he loves or not. How could you think about hurting me so much... the only reason you don't want to leave me is because you'd feel guilty for making someone die, not because you care. That's not love...

How can one stupid girl change whether you love me or not? Or whether you have hope in us?

I have faith in you... somehow... I have not lost my faith in you... please do not betray me for her... please do not destroy the one you love so much... or atleast... used to love... I'm so sorry I can't be there for you... I'm so sorry I'm not perfect... all I want to be is to be perfect for you... I can't just be your friend... it's too hard... I need to know that someone's there waiting for me, and that he hasn't shattered my heart...

Nick, we only won't end up together if you give up like you've been acting. If you're skeptical of whether we will or not, and you use another girl to fill in the physical void, a self-fulfilling prophecy. You will never lose me, I how much I love you will never go down, it can only grow.

I hope you're sleeping well... and I hope that one day you can make a decision of whether you want me or her.

I want you so bad... I only want your head to be on my shoulders, I only want your lips to touch mine, I only want to love you and no one else.

Please Nick, the one I love so much, the one I'd die for, please don't hurt me like that. Please get a hold of your emotions, please listen to your heart, and please don't leave me... please don't leave me... remember all the good times... it'll be like that again... I promise...

I want you to be happy... that's all I want... if you decide you love her and you want me to leave, I'll leave you alone.

Why does someone else... get something I want more than anything in the world... why were they so lucky... why not me...

Please forgive me for anything and everything I've done to make you sad or angry or that put you in pain.

Please don't lose faith in us, you run so deep into me, I can't lose you. I wish you'd feel the same... that you wouldn't give me up for anything. Not all the money in the world, not any one else. After this post, I won't be dramatic anymore. I just don't wanna lose you, god, I can't.

I'm sorry I put you under pressure, I'll stop.

How can I be so easily tossed aside... Why can't I be special... I want to feel special. I feel just like an animal... you might give me up just because everything's not perfect.

Love isn't a game... please stop toying with me... if you don't love me... just say so... it hurts... it burns me where nothing could even get as close before.

You must be patient with me, I will be patient with you. I'll change and grow like you said, and my love for you will only grow deeper and I will become into someone you like.

I think I finally have it, love isn't like a rose, it's like a tree. A tree that never dies, but only keeps growing. The roots dig deeper as well as the arms that reach to the sky, trying to grab the stars. A wind is able to ruffle them... but it can't push them over... it would have to be stronger than the roots. And the stronger the wind, the stronger the tree will bite back at the sky and grow just in spite of the odds. And you would be my sky... I cannot reach you... but I feel every day I get a little bit closer. A warm sunny day where I can bask in your light, or a stormy night where it seems you abandon me... like you almost did last night... but I'll bite back at the rain, the wind, the lightning, and you... and struggle to break my chains so I can get to you and be like a bird. Where I can finally get to be with you... like a tre whose seed was blown into concrete... my love for you was against the odds... but you nourished it, and now the foundation for its growth just serves to stabilize me more. I'm letting my hate out, scratching myself, so I can get through this, and make you like me again. My anger should not be used around you, I do not want you to leave, I want you to stay with me, my sunshine.

Heh, I looked up to the lyrics of that one song...

- You Are My Sunshine -

The other night dear, as I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms
But when I awoke, dear, I was mistaken
So I hung my head and I cried.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away

I'll always love you and make you happy,
If you will only say the same.
But if you leave me and love another,
You'll regret it all some day:

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away

You told me once, dear, you really loved me
And no one else could come between.
But now you've left me and love another;
You have shattered all of my dreams:

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away

In all my dreams, dear, you seem to leave me
When I awake my poor heart pains.
So when you come back and make me happy
I'll forgive you dear, I'll take all the blame.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away...

I'm going to try to love myself... like you love me... if I loved myself, it would show... and you would take me instead of her... Please tell me that all my pleas are getting through to you... please... I don't know what else I can do. It's so hard to watch you flirt with someone else, it's so hard. Please tell me you'd rather have my love than hers...

If you give me a chance and don't do anything with her, I promise... I promise you won't regret it, I promise, I would never stray from your side. Don't throw me aside like I'm nothing... when you say you like her and that something might happen... I can feel myself slowly withering away.

You said you'd take care of me... but it seems like you'll only take care of me if there's no one else in the picture.

I'm giving you the purest love I know, it's everything, everything I feel for you that can be put into words... sometimes it seems like... I'm Adam... and you're Eve... You won't wait for me... I only wish I could show you how much I love you, it's impossible to express in words. I just want you to hold me... it's not even sexual, it's just intimate... hold me so I feel safe, you're the only one who can let me feel safe.

I can't love another... my heart was only built for one. And I only want to be loved by you...

I still have hope though. I have hope that you won't do anything. I have hope that I will be the only one you love, and that I won't be replaced. If there is a God... he couldn't make it any other way.

You're my SM, no one else is, only you. I can't love someone else... if you'd left, my heart would become a black hole... it wouldn't have reason to care anymore... it would be numb...

I want to pull you closer, I know this makes you uneasy, but I need to get it out before I can become undramatic. I want to pull you close to me and tell you that you're perfect, because you are. You're wonderful in every way. You may not believe it, but it's what I think, that's why I can't love someone else. I know I'm not perfect for you, I want to get better for you. Just don't leave. I need your love to hold me up. It's like the air I breathe.

Please God... I don't know what's going to happen... if he leaves me... I'll be broken forever. If he stays, he must really love me... but he won't even kiss me anymore... he doesn't want to have me in his arms... he wants to have someone else... I want to fall asleep in his warm embrace so he can keep my soul from turning cold.

I guess I should stop now, been at it for over an hour...

I won't let her get to me... I won't let her get to me... I'm going to try to get some sleep Nick... because I know that's what you'd want. I need to try to be strong, I need to try... I can't give up... then I'll be destroying myself. I must have faith in myself... that I won't fuck it up this time...

I love you Nick
I love you Nickums
I love you Banana
However you say it, whatever name is used, it doesn't change how I feel... my love... please don't abandon me... don't abandon me because you can't take it, I know you can, you're much stronger than me... and please don't abandon me for someone else, I want you to have my love, it's made in my heart just for you, only for my Nick. The love can only be for you... You don't have a need to be confused... because... you have the most love you could ever want already... I promise I'll make you the happiest man alive...

You're the only song I want to hear...

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... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts

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