Friday, January 20, 2006

Sleeping was God's way of creating a temporary death

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It seems both me and Arumi don't have anything left...

I just woke up, after getting about 12 uninterrupted hours of sleep. That's the longest time I've ever slept in recorded history, considering I usually would have to wake up and go to the bathroom or something along those lines. But nope, not even any "dreams", only sleep. I guess there was a dream, but it didn't wake me up after it was over, so I don't consider it a dream.

It was very nice too, I didn't have to think about anything, there was just peace. I guess it's one of those things that fools your mind into thinking all is right with the world.

When I did wake up, I didn't have a reason to actually get up... So instead I contemplated the meaning of my life, which seems to have dissappeared faster than the sun disappears over the horizon when it's time for sleep. I don't have much driving me on, the only thing that seems "fun" to do is sleep, and why get up when I'm already there?

In fact, I'm getting tired again. I don't know if the next time I go to sleep I'll wake up or not. I don't see myself getting anywhere in my life. So I guess I just want to tell my story in case I don't get another chance to.

And it is odd, over a few weeks, my life seems to have gone from singing in Heaven with the angels to laying down in the 9th level of Hell having a chat with Satan over what went wrong in my life, or even if I was supposed to have a life in the first place. My friend called me Nameless, it seems I am, a person who just wanders around the Earth eventhough someone forgot to put a soul in it. So I try to find my place like a regular person, but there is no place for me.

Most people have goals of someday becoming wealthy, or famous, etc. etc. I don't have any goals like that, and it seems the one I do have got in a car accident or something, I can barely see myself happy in the future anymore. I hope it gets out of the hospital soon... if I won the lottery, or became very sucessful, or got a great job and made a lot of money, or even won the nobel prize for some great thing... I'd give all of that stuff up to someone who wants it more, someone who deserves it more than me. Someone who those things could make them happier.

I don't think I can even feel much anymore. I feel numb to physical pain. My cramps don't hurt anymore, I tripped in the kitchen over my cat and fell. I could tell I'd be bawling normally, but it felt like the hurt was only there for a second before it went away. The bruises on my arms and legs prove that it happened too. Maybe when I feel too much pain, my body just stops responding to it.

But it seems the devil is actually myself. In my dream, or something analogous to it, I saw myself, and she talked to me. I was standing in an empty white room, with a window. There was no way out, but out of the window, the only thing I could see was darkness. There was a lady staring out the window, she was naked, and so was I. She turned around, and it was me. It wasn't myself as I am now, though, it was an older me, like me in five years. She was very beautiful... and she didn't look like a kid. Her eyes looked like they held all the secrets of the world, but they were so warm and nice, they made me feel better. She was aonly a little bit taller than me, but something about her made it seem as though she was larger than life. And her smile that was gentle, made me feel very comforted. She walked over, wrapped her arms around me and gave me a hug. I hugged her back. It didn't seem possible that she was me though, but she insisted that she was. Hah, I think I felt somehow how Chii feels with Freya. It is odd... but anyway, she told me that she was the person I was inside. It seems more like the person I wish I could be inside, but I won't question my dreams. She told me she was going to try to help me, and that everyone was going to be alright. I have to wonder who she really was... but all the time, she gave me advice, told me not to worry, to have faith in myself and the one I love.
But it seems odd that myself has faith in me but I can't have faith in myself... if you can understand that. I'd ask her if I could become her, she said yes, that I'd only have to let go of being a kid and grow up. I don't want to grow up... but she said that I'd change for the better, and then all of my life won't be in vain. I wish I was her... then I'd love myself, but she said I'd have to love myself as I am now in order to change. And I want to change... so I'm going to try.

After she let go of me, we layed down on the ground together, and the sky turned into the sky at night. There were many pretty stars, things that I can only wish I could see, it's not easy to see stars here. Then the moon rose from the edge of the sky, and I felt myself crying. She pulled me over on her and I remember exactly what she said, "There there Ari... don't cry. Please don't cry. Even if worst comes to worst, you will always live on in each other's hearts. I wish I could tell you that I know what's going to happen, but honestly I don't. Just calm down and remember that whatever happens is what God wanted, and it's for the best. You don't want him to be with you if he was supposed to be with someone else." I guess that made me feel better, but I asked how she would go on by herself, and she told me to remember that love always lives on. That she'd make sure she would "live and die as someone who loved with their whole heart." I still don't know what that means... I don't know how that'd make it easier to be alone. There was much else that was said between us, but I feel I shouldn't share all of those private things. But before she left and let me sleep again, she said "Ari... please listen to me... if you pray and hope, then your prayers will be answered, and then you can finally be happy. I'm sure of that." I slipped back into the blackness, and didn't think any more.

Myself... I hope she is right... I hope I can become her, I hope I can love myself, I hope I can become that kind and beautiful and comforting. She was like an angel though... I don't think I can become an angel, but I really want to try. I want to let myself change, change into something wonderful and full of wisdom and hope, someone who is able of purely loving someone else. I think I'm gonna go take a nap or something... maybe think... figure out if I can change that much... if I have any worth any more... ask her some more questions in my head... maybe something great can become of the monster that is me.

I have to watch the movie by myself... hopefully only temporarily... how long I can last, I don't know.

I just wish I had someone to hold me under the water while I drown...

Someone there to catch me when I fall...

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... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts

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