Thursday, February 9, 2006

   Things

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Sorry I haven't updated lately... I guess it's a combination of a lot of things... stress mostly.

My life seems to have gone in a nice little downward spiral since the new year started, and the only thing I can do is cry about it. Somewhat ironic? Maybe.

I slept since I got home, and it's about 8 now, so that's around 5 hours. Eh, the only thing I feel like doing anymore is sleeping, to escape to the dream I wish was my life, where I had a chance...

I have work to do, so I guess I should get started on that, but I don't really feel like it. It's also nice that my grades are dropping too : ) I love getting C's, wewt wewt.

That was sarcasm, just so you know.

It's hard to concentrate, the stress on my body is getting to be too much to handle. I can't breathe through my nose, I wheeze when I breathe normally, but if I try I can stop, which is what I did today at school... I'm losing my voice, my muscles constantly feel week, partly due to the weight lifting I'm doing at school and partly due to the lack of eating. Oh yeah, I was only able to drink water today, and that was only after my workout, an I could still barely keep it down. I'm not hungry though, my stomach doesn't seem to have an opinion. My eyes constantly hurt and it feels like there's something pushing on them from behind, my vision will blur sometimes. I will randomly start scratching a section of my skin, eventhough it's not itchy, usually until it bleeds, I dunno, it makes me feel better I guess. I've had a headache for the past two weeks or something and it refuses to go away, I've tried heavy pain killers and it still bothers me. I threw up when I tried to drink water a few minutes ago. I seem to get a twitch in my left foot at times and I dunno what to do about it. And the list just seems to get worse every day...

Normally I'm very good about covering it up, I can be at school and horribly depressed and put up the cheeriest expression. Something was different about today, though, four of my friends thought there was something wrong with me. Maybe I'm losing my touch? Three of them were very close to me, so while it shocked me, it wasn't that amazing because they're around me so much. I was surprised with a certain friend, though, he's only been my friend for a month or so and he was able to pick up on the change, but even he second-guessed himself with that, said his mind was playing tricks on him or something. Maybe he's psychic, that'd be cool.

In weight lifting, I tried to bench press today... my friend was my spotter. I can chest press 45, so I figured I would be able to bench the 45 pound bar. I guess I was wrong. I got past the 5 reps, but I guess that was the breaking point for me, the bar slipped out of my hands and fell on the upper part of my chest. It hurt vurrily bad, but my teacher gave me ice and put so much pressure on it that it barely left a mark. I wonder what would've happened if there was more weight on it and it hit higher up on my neck... it'd probably collapse my trachea. That wouldn't have necessarily been a bad thing though...

I can't touch the area under my eyes or my nose, I took off all of the skin last night when I rubbed them too much so now it hurts when I touch.

Last night I didn't get much sleep, but something odd did happen to me. It happened once before, similarly, when I'd woken up from a dream, but I really wasn't awake... I couldn't move my body parts, although I could feel myself slightly floating upwards, for lack of a better term. I'm not crazy! Okay, maybe I am... but it pretty much happened again last night, although I was prepared for it. Maybe I was going to heaven? That'd be kickass, so I just rolled with it, eventhough it was veeeery freaky. Although I freaked out when I was like, a foot or two above my bed and my whole body kinda just spazmed, like when you have a dream where you fall off of a cliff then wake up right when you hit the bottom. I have those anyway... my Papa said iz like, what happens when you leave yer body? I dunno... but it was kinda cool, maybe I could travel across the world when I get the hang of it! Sweet.

I really should get started on that work now...

Oooooh well.

There's so many people in the world when you think about it. You're 1 out of 6,000,000,000. That's like, .000000000001 percent... or something... I don't feel like doing the math. I suck at math anyway. What's going to change when that percentage dies? Nothing. That's all... nothing... that person is forgotten, unless they had something to live for. I wish I had something to live for. Actually, I do... but it is probably a worthless cause. I don't think praying helps anyway, it's probably just me talking to myself at night. 1 person... can't change much. Just another face in the crowd. As my old Language Arts teacher said "Remember, you're unique... just like everyone else." Hah, he liked to demoralize us. The irony... I guess that'd make me feel special if I had an identical twin? But also not, because someone is the exact same genetically as me? Whoa, I gotta stop there, me trying to be philosophical is not a good thing.

I hate myself!! And I'm not afraid to tell the world! Hahahaha, I feel like bursting out in laughter to hide my pain, and as a sort of irony I guess, hence the little laughy smiley at da begging of the post. I like irony, it's what makes people, people.

Man, what I'd give for a random terrorist to burst through my door and shoot me fatally in the head... Hell, I'd pay 'im to do it.

Things don't usually turn out how you'd wish...

I'm retarted!!! Maybe... seems that way. I should dig my own grave and pay a hobo to burry me alive! That'd be cool.

I feel dizzy.

I reeeeeeeeeally should get started on my work... apparently I'm too lazy to, though, yippe!

I'm far past due from the day I should've been dead... maybe it's coming back to bite me.

I guess something interresting did happen today though... the guy who sits a chair ahead of me in band, who's also a freshman, is a "friend", for the fact I sit by him... something like that, anyway, we were both bored... in a place in a piece we were doing where we (trumpets) had a large section of rests (about 36 measures if I remember correctly), sooooo we decided to be dumbasses, which was very fun. I was basically immitating the band director and his hand movements, except exaggerating the movements, and he used his hands and fingers to immitate the melody and percussion of the piece. Everyone was looking at us like o__O but we didn't care. And then... he looked over... and caught us in the act, and might I say, he looked ammused, but also pissed off... he started yelling at us, but I couldn't hear much of it over the band, we started cracking up though, as well as the people around us. That was the first and pretty much only time I smiled today now that I think about it. Odd, but understandable.

I think I've done enough ranting now, but then again, my life is just a worthless rant. No one should have to sift through all of the crap. I am such an idiot to think my life could've turned out like that.

I may be suffering from a form of PTSD, weeeee. So says Susan anyway... that would explain why my body involuntarily starts shaking a bit when I say or hear a certain word. What be that word? None of your business.

Death is just another part of Life.

I love someone who's name starts with a "Ni" and ends with an "ick" But no, it ain't Niick, just so you're aware.

Hope all of your lives turn out better than mine.

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... how should I know?



“Never pretend to love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” - - Alan Watts

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