Friday, March 11, 2005

well, that was a dead end. I didn't get the reply I was hoping for. I got the reply I was expecting, but not the one I was expecting. Oh well. At least I know the truth. At least I have evidence to back up the theory. He doesn't love me anymore. Fuck it.
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Maybe this will be the last of it. Maybe since I sent it, I will stop pining over him. Because it is annoying. I want to move on. I want to be able to feel happy all the time, and not have some dude pop into the picture. I want to be able to look at guys and not see him, not wish I could be with him. I want to live again, instead of hiding in the dark. I want to be free. I want to think of myself instead of think of him, be jealous of all the girls that hang out with him. I want to not dream of him at night.

For I have made mistakes, and I need to remember these mistakes so as not to make them again, but it is also time to move on. I have made myself suffer enough, especially when it was over a guy. I need to concentrate on my future. I used to think he was my future, but in the end, the only person I can depend on to forgive me is myself. Go figure. Everybody says this. They say depend on yourself. I thought I had had it down, and when I broke up with him, my independence crashed down around me. Not anymore. I told him the things I should have told him a long time ago, and it should be over now.
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Hey. I am tired. Lol. I played European Handball in gym today. They put me in goal. I helped us win 2 out of 3 games. So I guess I am not that bad. I am tired and sore though. Got thumped in the stomach two to three times, and man those guys in our class can throw. -_-. Ow. Lol.

Wallace told me yet again today that he thought my voice was beautiful. Geesh. He needs to lay off the compliments, or else I will start to attain a big head. It was fun though. It is his birthday tomorrow. If he is on here, which I definitely doubt, but still, if he is on here, I wish him a happy birthday.

So I will be on later.

Ciao.
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Thursday, March 10, 2005

I went to the school's drama club's play this evening. It was intence. I loved every bit of it. It was about people picking on people who are different than the rest. Wallace, a kid I adore, was the kid picking on somebody, and then one of the guys ( I can't remember his name) was the one getting picked on, and my old classmate Rachel was a bitchy cheerleader. I must say I hated Wally's and Rage's characters, but they played them very well.

Tony asked me today if I still liked Ugo. I didn't know what to say, so I told the truth. I told him yes, I did, but not to tell me that i shoudl move on because I knew I should. Oh hum. I don't know anymore. Wally asked me a couple of weeks ago why I was still single, and I told him that I chose not to chase after somebody. The truth is, I keep hoping that Ugo will change his mind and his feelings, but I know that that will not happen. So why do I wait? I dunno.
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Tuesday, March 8, 2005

I know that I do not have it as bad as a lot of other people. Life, that is. But that does not mean I do not have, or did not have, my share of problems, no matter how big or small they are.

I feel like I don't fit in, and I am sure that this is coming from nothing, but . . . I feel out of place all the same. Maybe it is because I look at people who are carefree and take the people around them for granted. Maybe it is because they are healthy. Maybe it is because I feel like a thirty year old trapped in a 16 year old's body. There are a lot of maybe's. But no matter what hte scenario is, that does not change the fact that I feel out of place.

I have a fear of being alone, and it started when I moved out of my mother's house. It's not a fear of physically being alone, with nobody around. It is a fear of having nobody who loves you, having nobody to turn to and talk to, having the knowledge that they aren't there for you, and the feeling of not belonging with them. With the loss of Bud, moving out of my mom, dad, and brother's house, moving in with my aunt, and becoming a loner in school, I seem to feel that fear a lot.

And with that fear of aloneness comes the fear of loss. Not the loss of my mother, or relatives. The loss of somebody completely special. Somebody who truly cared for me, not the money I could bring them. Somebody who I could trust with all my secrets, fears, and dreams. Somebody I could talk to. Somebody I could turn to when I was in need, somebody who offered me a shoulder to cry on. Somebody who gave me moral support. Somebody who would call from 4 states away to see if i was all right, and somebody who would stop by in the middle of the night to do the same thing. Somebody who I felt safe with, somebody I could relate to. Somebody who, no matter how mad I was at them, made me calm down and smile. Somebody who had a family I fell in love with as well as that person. And I don't think I realized this until I did what I did, but I would give anything to have all that again, to have him back. To know I ruined something that great- well, it is torture.
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Sunday, March 6, 2005

God Charlene is so annoying!! She won't goto bed unless I do, and so that means if she is tired and wants to go to bed, I have to go to bed too, even when I am not tired. It is so aggravating!! So usually I have to go in, pretend I am sleeping, wait until she's asleep and then get up and do my own thing. Urgh! I hate kids at times.
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Saturday, March 5, 2005

I finished my fishie! YAY! I made a stained glass fish- I cut the glass, ground the glass, soddered the glass- everything! It is so cool. I'll eventually show you all a pic of it.
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Thursday, March 3, 2005

Ok. Venting time. I hate my little cousin Jessica so much at times. She thinks that everybody has to be serious, or else their life has no meaning. She thinks that everything I say and do is a cry for attention. And she thinks everything I like is because of her likes and dislikes. Well, I am SO sorry, but the world does not revolvle around her. She ALWAYS ruins my good moods. And it is sooooo annoying and depressing.

Tomorrow we get our CDs for Performing Arts. Yay. I can't wait. I get to sing Bad Leroy Brown all by myself. It'll be so cool, and I will be so nervous, but I should be all right.

Ok, that's all for now.

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Wednesday, March 2, 2005

I love the quote on the bottom

Your Hidden Power Is Water

You have a rather calm soul, but when tempted
will get pissed off at those who bug you. You
do whatever you can in your powers to help
those of your allies and have a okay taste for
human kind, but you find them rather annoying
on occasions.

Gem Stone: Saphire, Eye Color:Ice
Blue,Hair Color:Dark Blue that's long
that goes to your waist.

Quote:If you wait for me
Then I'll come for you. Although I've travelled
far, I always hold a place for you
In my heart. If you think of me, If you miss me
once in a while, Then I'll return to you. I'll
return and fill that space in your heart


What Is Your True Hidden Power? .::Beautiful Anime Pics::.
brought to you by Quizilla

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You ALL have to try this- I swear it actrually comes true.
1. Put the following 5 animals in the order of your preference.

Tiger
Cow
Horse
Sheep
Pig

2. Write one word that describes each one of the following:

Dog
Cat
Coffee
Ocean
Rat

3. Think of someone (who also knows you and is important to you) that you can relate to the following colors.

Do not repeat your answer twice. Name just one person for each color.

Yellow
Orange
Red
White
Green


Finished? Please be sure your answers are what you REALLY feel... Last chance....

Look at the interpretations below:

Question 1 - The order that you choose defines the priorities in your life.

Cow: signifies career.
Tiger: signifies pride.
Sheep: signifies love.
Horse: signifies family.
Pig: signifies money.

Question 2 - Descriptions

Your description of Dog implies your own personality.
Your description of Cat implies your partner's personality.
Your description of Rat implies the personality of your enemies.
Your description of Coffee is how you interpret sex.
Your description of Ocean implies your own life.

Question 3 - Colors

Yellow: Someone you will never forget.
Orange: Someone you could consider a good friend.
Red: Someone you really love.
White: Your twin soul.
Green: Someone you will remember all your life.

"If someone does not smile at you, be generous and offer your own smile. Nobody needs more a smile than the one that cannot smile to others."
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