Sunday, February 27, 2005

Hey, I got back from my father's house today, so that is why I haven't been on. While I was there, I wrote something that I think my ex should here, but i don't know if it will make it into his hands or not. I'll let you all read it, ok? Here you go.

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Ugo,

What can I say to make you love me again? I know that words are only words, and that people can say a million of them without meaning a single one, but how else can I prove to you just how much you mean to me? You won’t let me near you enough to provide some meaningful actions. So what can I say? I won’t say I love you because that means nothing to you now. What I will say is I need you, for you are the only one that can make me feel complete. I know I have said this a lot in the recent past, but I never lied about it. I actually need you. You are the only one I can talk to, because around everybody else, I feel like I’m wearing a mask, and when I feel like that, I wish I were with you, so I could take the mask off.

When I left you, I left a lot of things unsaid, and I think that was unfair to you. So now I’m saying them.

I didn’t leave you because I didn’t love you. I left because I was scared. I had grown up growing close to people and then losing them. I didn’t want that. So every time the fear grew strong, I broke up with you. Not that that was right, but I did. Another thing- I didn’t want to hurt you. Yes, I know you laugh or snicker at that, but it’s the truth. I thought that I would hurt you, because I felt I had hurt a lot of people- my mom, dad, step-dad, sister, brother, and friends. I didn’t want that to happen to you. So I broke up with you, thinking you were expecting it and that it would not have done any harm to you- but I was wrong. I was the one expecting things, and I was so caught up in expecting things that I didn’t see that you actually cared for me, and that you wouldn’t leave me. I hurt you and I cannot apologize enough for my actions.
I was lost, Ugo. Lost in my mistakes, fears, and problems. My mind was whirling with the thoughts of me leaving my mom’s house, with moving in with a complete stranger, with my love for you, the fear of hurting you, the fear of being alone, moving every 6-10 months. I was going through changes, finding out things about myself that I never thought possible. My mind wasn’t clear, and maybe that is the only good thing that came out of breaking up with you- I was able to clear my thoughts, deal with my problems, and think of what I really needed and wanted. Because now I’m thinking clearly.
You were a big part of my life, Ugo. You had a big impact on my life, and I thank you. From you I was able to learn that I’m not going to lose everything, as long as I believe in myself and the people involved. I can love again. And I will never stop loving you. How can I when you were there for me when I needed somebody the most? I still remember all the things you’ve done for me. I remember the time we were on The Zipper- the day we started dating- and I was scared out of my mind, but I just had to go on it because you wanted to go on it, and I was so scared and was hyperventilating, and you wrapped your arms around me and comforted me and made me feel safe. I remember the day I wound up in the hospital- I remember that whole weekend. You cared for me at your house before I wound up in the hospital, you called me from Mass. When I was in the hospital, and you stopped by the house to comfort me and check up on me when I got out of the hospital. When I went to my mother’s, and I was scared out of my mind, you came along with me for moral and physical support. Even after I broke up with you for the third time, and then asked for you back, when you said no and I started to cry, you held me close and told me to have hope for the future. Those are just a few of the memorable moments, when you proved to me over and over that you loved me. I was too scared to see the signs then, but now . . . Now I see.
And though the only time I seemed to be there for you was when your uncle died, that wasn’t the only time! I came to a lot of your games for baseball and soccer. I sat out in the rain for them, and caught cold, and I still went. I tried to throw you a surprise birthday party, though you entered the house through the wrong door and found out. When you got hurt by one of the opposing team members, I wanted to go out, kick his rear, and then go to you and comfort you, but I didn’t- though I wanted to.
Look. I’m not asking for you back- I figure if you want me back, if you are willing to give me another chance, one final chance, then you will tell me. I’m just explaining my actions, for it’s not right for you not to know. So how to end this? I guess the only thing left to say is thank you for the good times, and though we will probably never see each other again after high school, I will never forget you.

- Marie Etta Richards

So what do you think?
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