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myOtaku.com: angelicbeauty


Tuesday, March 8, 2005

I know that I do not have it as bad as a lot of other people. Life, that is. But that does not mean I do not have, or did not have, my share of problems, no matter how big or small they are.

I feel like I don't fit in, and I am sure that this is coming from nothing, but . . . I feel out of place all the same. Maybe it is because I look at people who are carefree and take the people around them for granted. Maybe it is because they are healthy. Maybe it is because I feel like a thirty year old trapped in a 16 year old's body. There are a lot of maybe's. But no matter what hte scenario is, that does not change the fact that I feel out of place.

I have a fear of being alone, and it started when I moved out of my mother's house. It's not a fear of physically being alone, with nobody around. It is a fear of having nobody who loves you, having nobody to turn to and talk to, having the knowledge that they aren't there for you, and the feeling of not belonging with them. With the loss of Bud, moving out of my mom, dad, and brother's house, moving in with my aunt, and becoming a loner in school, I seem to feel that fear a lot.

And with that fear of aloneness comes the fear of loss. Not the loss of my mother, or relatives. The loss of somebody completely special. Somebody who truly cared for me, not the money I could bring them. Somebody who I could trust with all my secrets, fears, and dreams. Somebody I could talk to. Somebody I could turn to when I was in need, somebody who offered me a shoulder to cry on. Somebody who gave me moral support. Somebody who would call from 4 states away to see if i was all right, and somebody who would stop by in the middle of the night to do the same thing. Somebody who I felt safe with, somebody I could relate to. Somebody who, no matter how mad I was at them, made me calm down and smile. Somebody who had a family I fell in love with as well as that person. And I don't think I realized this until I did what I did, but I would give anything to have all that again, to have him back. To know I ruined something that great- well, it is torture.
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