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Wednesday, April 5, 2006


Long Post to make up for the lost two days...
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Hey all. Sorry I haven't posted for 2 days...I've been too busy. I have finals coming up, and I've got to devote almost all my time to preparing for that. I will try to get to a few sites now and then when I get the time. *yawn* So, how's everyone been these last couple of days? I hope well. Hmmm...what to write...my professor gave me a compliment today. After class, I asked her a few questions about in-text citations. Before she answered, she told me she thought I was doing a good job and working really hard on my papers. I was glad to here her say that, for I wasn't sure if I was impressing her or not. And I've always tried to do my best.
My newest paper is my best so far, I think. I might post it when I revise it a few more times.
What else to say...oh, I saw my first crush today. I was about nine or ten when I had a crush on her, and she was sixteen or so. And my God, she was just as breathtaking as I remembered. But, unsurprisingly, she didn't remember who I was, since I have changed so much since then. Her name's Abigail. Ha ha, and it was so weird to look physically down to her. I remember her being so tall when I was young, but she's only about five foot.

Quote of the day: "StarDrifter has spent his entire life regarding everything female as a potential lover." - Faraday from "The Wayfarer Redemption: Pilgrim"

Questions:
1) What is the first thing you do in the morning?
2) What is the last thing you do before bed?
3) How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood? (I will leave this unanswered)

My Answers:
1) 20 push ups.
2) Research.

Pics:
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Aragorn with Anduril
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Eowyn
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Faraday and Axis of "The Wayfarer Redemption"
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Gandalf
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And here is a story...
Title: "Only a Guy Would Do This" ( I spent the better part of an hour laughing my head off after reading this)

This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....
WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to wife, Toni, what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,... right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries, thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it, master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad....
I decided to give myself a one-second burst just forthe heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.
The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution:
there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself.

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-.... that hurt like hell!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there???

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock,
Tommy

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