Friday, September 2, 2005

Loneliness
today....I felt terrible. My stumach hurt all day and still does while I write this. My whole body achs. I am in kinda a emotional depression. My friends keep telling me that I am not alone and they will be there for me, but I don't feel like they will. I have been crying for 2 days strait. not at school but at home. in a small cornor of the basment. I cried to myself the frist night. I was talking to a friend of mine on aim. his name was ken. he didn't understand at all how I felt. but I asked to call him. when I did I was still crying really hard. We talking about what was wrong. He kept telling me how bad he felt for me and that I wasn't alone. I told him I was going to break out crying like that the next day, and I did. I had my friend alli come over this time. she craddled me and helped me a bit. When she got home she wrote a character sketch about me, that night. Today I couldn't look at Ken at all. It hurt me to see his face. He is now dating one of my friends. Alli and I don't think it is a good Idea of them to go out together. they are to compatible and we just know this is going to come out bad with pain. we would be forsed to choose sides. I don't look forward to how this is going to end. anyways today durring my theather class my teacher had these papers that had a tiny story on it. The papers also had Emotions in big letters on the paper. She told us to pick the emotion paper that discribed us the most. my paper was Loneliness. I read my story aloud to the class I had to speak with the voice of someone that was feeling that way. which wasn't hard at all. The story read.

I love to run. but I am afraid to swim. I wear my Isolation around me like a grey sweatshirt thrown back across the shoulders. It started when I was a little girl listening to the adults upstairs screaming at each other as I hid under the covers. At age seven I vowed never to need anyone. It was as if I sealed myself inside my skin. separate from everyone.

Once I almost changed my mind. There was a man whom I cherished. He surprised me. I loved him so much that I thought I would never be myself again. I trusted that such a relationship could not survive. and it didn't. Now more convinved then ever that companionship is a lie and joy is fragile. I have become contemptous of others happiness.


I read that in class infront of them all. I could feel all the emptiness inside me boil inside me. I could not help but feel that that what I read discribes me perfectly. No matter how hard I try I could never excape what happened and never let it go. I know I sound like a petty person telling you all this. thinking ahh you have no clue what pain is. I don't care what you may say. I maybe be weak in your eyes. but everyone is different on what they can handle. Everyone's experiances are different. What I went through was enough to scare me and haunt my life. there was never a moment since then that I haven't felt emptiness, hopelessness, fear,unwanted, talked about me in the halls. I try to forget and I can't. When I asked my friend Alli to come over. the first thing that happened was she droped her bike and ran to me. she hugged me there for about 10 minutes. I couldn't stop crying. As we walked and talked I still cried as I talked. Alli was telling me about her cutting and how she does it without thought and subconusly. I hugged her tight and told her I can't take losing another close friend. I said "Alli. your not hurting yourself when your doing that you hurting me. I don't think that I could go on without you. I can't stand loseing anther friend." then I sobbed more. she hugged me again and said she wouldn't leave me. we were right infront of my house then and went to my steps to sit. We were talking about our problems. I acationaly (sp?) sobbed but I think I was doing ok. we talked about her ex-boyfriend. We talked out the last wake we went to. I hugged her and said "thanx. Now can you see why I chose you to be my best friend." she giggled at my comment and said "yes, your welcome." even after that conversation and all the love my friends show me. the kindness they show to me. I can't take that as enough and don't want to be so close yet not so far away. I try hanging with as many people as I can. I am afraid inside. I am afraid it will happend all over again. I am afraid of what people think of me. I don't want to be hated. I get real nervise when I am alone with people I don't know. but I suck it up and I ask people how they are and who they are. I make friends with them knowing deep down we will never be close friends. and they will probably leave me after meeting someone more interesting to hang with. I act so happy all the time no one really knows my mood. not suprising is that no one really asks how I feel unless I tell them I was crying earlier that day or the day before. No one really shows that they care all the time. I only wish that I could stop feeling so afraid. my life is run by fear. I feel so cold all the time. I hold myself a lot. I sit in a dark cornor almost everyday. it is a normal rutiene for me. I know people care for me and that they are willing to help. but for me it is hard to tell who to trust and open up wide. I have so much time to waist and I can't find anything to do. I spend most of it thinking, pondering, and worrying. Seeing groups of people having fun together. weither I know them are not kinda hurts me inside. I am not normaly invited to parties. I don't normaly get involved. when ever I do I get critisied. so I drop it. some times I think that I wish to be normal or at least feel like I fit in with everyone else.

I love you all
thanx for just listening

~Jessica
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