Sunday, April 17, 2005

I've cut off the only thing that was bright
I had a rather strange day yesterday. And it actually wore me down in both the emotions department, and physically. Let's start off on the small glimmer of good. The day was beauti-goddamn-ful. It was really warm, but had that cool, spring breeze. The air was fresh and crisp. It was just gorgeous. Luckily, I got to spend it outside for a few hours on a 4-wheeler. Went on some trails and had the piss scared out of me at one point.

That was the great part of the day. The only good part.

Sadly, I spent the day with the ex. Now, I have nothing against being friends with this guy. In fact, after our ordeal, and I came back from basic training/tech school, I wanted to spend time with him to reconcile our differences..and our mistake. But, every time we scheduled something, it was "Oh, I can't. I have to work, and they won't give me time off." Every single time. THEN, whenever I did see or hear from him, he'd complain we never spend time together....-_- This went on for about three months. Oh, he couldn't take one day out of the month to spend time with me, yet he turned around and went to Daytona, Florida for 2 weeks.

Yeah, imagine my rage.

So, he comes back, and decides now he has the time to get back into my pants. Which is what he had in mind all along, but I wouldn't allow it. And he gets mad at me because he doesn't understand what past actions did to me emotionally.

That is Brad. The douche I spent the day with. Surprisingly, we had a pleasant time.

Now, the bad/weird part: I found myself craving his presence. I wanted to just hold onto him. I got that feeling that it could work out..These were the feelings I had when we were romantic together. These are feelings I know will only cause me more pain than I am already in. Part of me wants him, and the other says "Don't you even think about it."

I don't know why I felt this way yesterday. I am afraid of what it means. To me, it means that I'm really going to have to fight myself. But it's going to take its toll on me; I can already feel it.

God damn him, please. He's just fucking with my emotions, and feelings. Why won't he ever go away? No matter who else I've seen between the times...Brad's always there to haunt me..


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