Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Meh,
Today has been a very long day.
I felt like crap at school and all my teachers and friends kept asking if I was okay.
My first period teacher said that I "look like death" I just found that amusing to no end. I mean seriously, wtf? lol

But yeah, I made it through the day. And I was going to go to the doctors by decided not to.
Instead I'm having tons of honey because it's "good for your throat" It's so sweat though! I like sour stuff more >_< But if drinking honey will help me get my voice back before Thursday then I'm all for it :P

On a different note, you know how my mom was in the hospital last week? well she's going to have surgery next Tuesday. She has to get tests done tomorrow morning and stuff. Plus, this morning my mom got into a car accident. Luckily she wasn't hurt, but our van is. And that's just another bill for my mom to worry about. :( We're renting a car while the van gets fixed.

Meh, a lot of bad things seem to be happening to her recently :(
Well hopefully things will get better soon.

Anyways, I guess that's it for today.
Bye-Bee~


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Monday, February 9, 2009

Meh, I is still sick.
But it's fine :P
I didn't have school today, so yay!
lol, I was supposed to go to a choir rehearsal but sense I'm sick and currently can't sing,
I figured it would be pointless.
So I didn't go to that.
But I have youth media tonight. Only problem is I have no way to get there xD
I was going to go with Nic but he's out of town.
So I'm like Damn.

Anyways,
I go back to school tomorrow.
Wow, this weekend has felt like summer because of how much I've slept xD ha ha.
I cut my hair, but not to the point where it's noticeable. Which is a huge change for me, seeing as I'm usually the girl who goes to all extremes when it comes to my hair. lol. Even so, I like my hair ten times better now xD

I feel like going out and doing something.
Like going to an amusement park!
OMG! I totally wanna ride a roller coaster now. ha ha ha
That would be so much fun :P

So I have concerts on Thursday and Friday :(
And I don't know my solo yet.
I was given a CD to practice with, but my computer is a piece of crap and doesn't play CD's anymore. And plus I can barely talk right now, yet alone sing. Meh, i need to get better really soon!

I don't really have much to talk about today, lol.
it's not a good day, or a bad day.
It's simply a relaxed day. :P


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Sunday, February 8, 2009

Crazy weather!!!
it's so weird!
It's like snowing/raining, plus there's lightening and thunder O.o
Its cool though! I like it a lot xD

Ow. I'm still sick but it's not so much my throat anymore. now it's more my chest. I'm coughing a lot >.< and it's very painful.

I'm in a pretty destructive mood right now though.
I feel like destroying everything,
like there's no point in keeping these things.
But I'm trying not to,
because I may end up regretting it later.

Ugh, I wish I could drive.
Then I could just go out and drive around when i feel like crap.
Meh.
But I have to stay home today anyways,
sense I've been pushing myself too hard and have been doing too much. I was lucky to be able to get out of the house yesterday, but I can't do that again today. -_-
I have tons of homework, and because I'm sick I've been sleeping most of the time. But luckfully I don't have school tomorrow :)
I have a choir rehearsal, but after that I can walk home and relax some more.
ha ha, I had a full pack of cough drops, about 30 cough drops in it, and I only had two left over today xD
I didn't realize until that night that I was only supposed to have one every 2 hours. Rather than one like every 30mins. lol
I guess that's it,
I don't have much to talk about today, lol.
Bye-Bee


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People just really piss me off sometimes.
I wonder why the fuck you think you're better then everyone. I mean seriously, why did you randomly start acting like a cocky asshole recently?
What makes you think you know me?
You only know what I've told you,
and from that small amount of information you judge me?
you say we freak out about small things,
but how dare you tell us our problems are small?
You don't know how they affect us,
you don't know how badly they cut us.
So how dare you say they are small?
one small comment can be completely harmless to one person and insanely painful to another.
It's different for every person on this freaking earth!
Oh, and just in case you haven't noticed,
every human's equal.
So quick acting like your any fucking better than any other face in a crowd.

Anyways,
for those of you who don't bug me,
Today was actually an okay day.
I'm sick, so that sucks.
But yeah. I hung out with Twili-chan today :3 which was super fun as usual. She told about stuffs that made me very angry -_- but whatever. I'm glad she told me :)
After I hung out with Twili-chan I went to a preformance at my school with Ariel x3
It was fun, and it was amusing cause Ariel was being sort of flirty. Like yesterday she told me that she might drop out by next year and so she wouldn't have a senior prom. And sense juniors can go to the proms at my school she asked if I would be her prom date next year xD
I was like "sure...?"
And then tonight she was all "Thanks for being my date." I was like, you do know I'm dating Tony, right? lol
And she told me how her and her boyfriend broke up and stuff.
I was like "Awe. I'm sorry." But seriously he was an ass to her, I think she can do way better.

Anyways.
I'm home now. Sucking on a cough drop so that my throat will stop hurting. I guess that's it for now. Bye-Bye


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Thursday, February 5, 2009

Change of plans
rather than the original post I wrote (which was stupid and really about nothing) I decided to post somethings that came from an old journal. ha ha ha,
back then I would feel annoyed with myself because my problems seemed so small. short little things form some entries :)

Entry #1: Age, 13.
"Right now everything is jumbled together and recently these words have appeared more and more in my mind, screaming, 'I wish everything would just stop! Please just pause everything, let me figure everything out!' ...but nothing happens. I just keep walking and nothing changes."
-My current 15-year-old POV-
I was scared shitless of the world out of my safe haven. I didn't know much about myself back then and felt like a fool. I soon learned how to think about things as I walk in this crazy world. I feel I now know myself much better.

-Entry #2: Age unknown, probably right after 8th grade, just turning 14.

"I've been a fool all this time Nothing last forever. This loneliness in my heart will go away someday... It won't happen alone though. Fate will show him to me and leave the rest up to me."
-few years(months?) later-
"I was right to believe this but didn't understand just how hard it would be to not run away."
-Again a few months later. Probably right after Jenna hurt me-
"Again I was wrong, no surprise. Trust doesn't belong in everyone, I learned that the hard way."

-My current POV-
The only thing that lasts forever is death, Fears come from past experiences, and be careful who you trust.


And finally I'll end this with something completely new and yet, totally the same.
Entry # 3: Age 15, 2009

I used to believe that there was such a thing as "forever".
In my old journal I wrote "1998- forever!"
But of course.
Nothing last forever.
Journals will always fill up,
Friendships will always end,
and goodbyes will always hurt.
But, in the same way,
problems will always vanish,
tears will always dry,
and things will always die.

I used to have suicidal thoughts,
even now I value others life's more than my own.
But then I realized,of course!
There is something that lasts forever.
Death.

Ever sense I was a child I have been mentally preparing myself for my father's death.
Because not only is he of old age (currently in his 70's) But he also drinks and for a majority of his life smoked tobacco.
Such a weird thing to admit to, really.
But I know that death is inevitable,
and the only way I saw to deal with this unchangeable fact, was to prepare myself for it.

I didn't realize it,
but this has become my solution for many of my problems over the years.
Whenever I was faced with something that I deemed "unchangeable", something that no matter how hard I tried would never be able to reach.
I would mentally prepare myself for the parting.
Prepare myself for the impact, the pain, the anger.
But there was a problem with this.

For in order for me to mentally prepare myself I must separate myself from that person first.
Must push myself away and heal my scars before they appear. Disconnect my self from them completely, until finally, I just don't care.

But because of this old habit, I became very antisocial. And just now am beginning to push myself back into the world around me.

I still cannot trust, no.
I still do not believe in forever in the living world, and I honestly have no idea what I want anymore.
Right now, at this moment,
I have no goal.
I simply do what others deem is best for me.
I know that right now I am searching for something that I "want",
some goal to work towards.
Whenever I become tired from searching and feel like giving up, i remind myself;
nothing last forever.
Sooner or later my searching will end.

We all have goals, have some sort of dream.
We all chase after them will all our strength.
When you grow tired, and think of giving up,
Or if you're unhappy with your current situation, or the cards you were dealt, just remind yourself.
Nothing lasts forever.

So cherish the good things,
and forget the bad.
For this crazy little life,
is the only one you've ever had.





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Wednesday, February 4, 2009

OMG! A good day?!
ha ha ha
Today was actually pretty damn good. :P
I was grumpy when I woke up and everything, but that has to do with the fact that I'm just not a morning person. In band we practiced solo+ensemble music (which, as the name implies, means we break off and work on solos and ensembles-like trio's and quartets) Anyways, we finally found music for the Saxophone quartet :D and it sounds awesome x3
I plan to do two other flute duets too, so that'll be interesting xD knowing me I'll probably mess up the fingerings or something.
Anyways, that was fun.
Then in Choir we danced to our songs for the concert and it was awesome! I had so much fun :)
After school I hung out with Nic until five and then we went to youth media project to do our radio show :D
I was co-hosting this one and I had a blast!!!
It was for sure the best I've done hosting a show so far. Plus I was really hyper >_< so yeah

Anyways, I guess that's it for now :)
Bye-Bee~


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Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Do you believe in ghosts?
After today, i do.

Today started out horrible.
I was up till midnight doing homework last night and then once i was in my bed trying to go to sleep I couldn't fall asleep.
I got at most one hour of sleep. And so I woke up in a horrible mood. And then my mom and i got into a fight on the way to school.
once I was at school things slowly started to get better.
After school I was planning to go to youth media club and then go to the game.
But while I waited for the bus I found out that I would be the only one going, and that thought terrified me. What if I went and was all alone.
Although I'm better now, being alone wasn't an option, especially with where it would be.

anyways so I ended up hanging out with Tony, Marisela, and Gabby while waiting for the game. It was fun but then we went back to the school and we were hanging out in one of the girls bathrooms (In which both marisela and I have experiecnced very creepy things in) and we felt like we were being watched. Then it felt like there was pressure on our chests. Ariel joined us and we decided to record us talking and asking the ghost questions. we were in the stale in which we felt the most from.
And when we listened to the recording we heard loud breathing and a whispered answer to most of the questions. We felt cold spots and creepy things. At the beginning of the recording we heard it say "get out"
We recorded it many times, lol. And always had a reaction.

Anyways, it was nice to have a distraction :P
(btw, this post is for monday 2/2/08)
I guess that's it, it's like midnight so I'm going to try to sleep.

Bye


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Monday, February 2, 2009

Well, I'm back to my normal life again.
I'm staying up to do homework even though I'm exhausted. It's stupid, I'm writing an essay for the Simon Scholarship and I have to write about the things I've overcome and crap. Well, there are plenty of things I have overcome, but I don't think it would be wise to write about my mother's suicidal treats or my alcoholic father. Or how my family argues all the time.
So I just talked about my parents divorce and the fact that I practically grew up without my mother. And I talked about how going to college is my dream and crap even though it's something I honestly don't see the point in doing except to make my parents happy.
But whatever, just tell them what they want to hear. That's what will get me the scholarship(I think)
Anyways,
I was really angry and hurt last night, and have a better hold on myself now. I still have no idea what I'm going to do. I pretty much decided to forget about everything, but I don't know what to do next. Because I don't know if you were intentionally trying to hurt me or not.
I don't know, I just don't want for something like what happened with Jenna to happen again.
SamuraiPanda, if I was only a friend to you then why didn't you just break it off?

K, I'm not going to focus on that stuff right now. I have to focus on all this fucking homework xD Damn at this rate I won't get to bed until past midnight. Ugh. and I'm already so tried. Well, whatever. It's my fault cause I didn't do it earlier lol.
Anyways, I guess that's it.
Bye


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Sunday, February 1, 2009

Fuck you
I can't believe i ever trusted you.
You never cared about and you never will.
I wish i never ment you, I wish that i never liked you, because then i wouldn't be fucking hurt.
I barely touched on my problems at all you asshole,
and you called me Paranoid?
You fucking have no idea what I've been through or what I deal with. Oh but of course why would that matter, you don't care.
My problems are things that you don't know about,
things that only Kinsey and Marisela know.
Fuck you.
You told me things that I didn't need to know, and didn't want to know.
How was that supposed to help at all?
Unless of course, you don't care.
You just said it to say it.
You were a waste of time.
Did you have any idea how fucking happy i was when i was with you? "I don't count that as a relationship" Fuck you. Of course i count it.
It was my first relationship and one of the only ones I actually cared about. But whatever.
I can't believe I ever liked you,
that I even cared.
After all,
you never cared about me. And you never will.

Fuck you. You're just as bad as Jenna.

If you never cared then why did you act like you did? What am I to you?
Certainly not a friend, because who would say something like that to a friend.
So what am I?
Just someone you bump into every now and then?

Whatever.
I'm through, I'm done.
Don't worry you don't have to hear about my problems ever again.


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