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• 1993-06-30
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• Wouldn't you like to know?
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• 2006-11-06
Occupation
• Working myself half to death in school and clubs
Real Name
• Willa

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• I am a Simon Scholar
Anime Fan Since
• Since I really got into Naruto.
Favorite Anime
• I have many
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• Finding and staying with people who love me for me.
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• singing, playing the flute and Saxophone, and writing.
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• being able to do homework from classes that I fall asleep in everyday xD




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myOtaku.com: AnimeAngel993


Thursday, February 5, 2009

Change of plans
rather than the original post I wrote (which was stupid and really about nothing) I decided to post somethings that came from an old journal. ha ha ha,
back then I would feel annoyed with myself because my problems seemed so small. short little things form some entries :)

Entry #1: Age, 13.
"Right now everything is jumbled together and recently these words have appeared more and more in my mind, screaming, 'I wish everything would just stop! Please just pause everything, let me figure everything out!' ...but nothing happens. I just keep walking and nothing changes."
-My current 15-year-old POV-
I was scared shitless of the world out of my safe haven. I didn't know much about myself back then and felt like a fool. I soon learned how to think about things as I walk in this crazy world. I feel I now know myself much better.

-Entry #2: Age unknown, probably right after 8th grade, just turning 14.

"I've been a fool all this time Nothing last forever. This loneliness in my heart will go away someday... It won't happen alone though. Fate will show him to me and leave the rest up to me."
-few years(months?) later-
"I was right to believe this but didn't understand just how hard it would be to not run away."
-Again a few months later. Probably right after Jenna hurt me-
"Again I was wrong, no surprise. Trust doesn't belong in everyone, I learned that the hard way."

-My current POV-
The only thing that lasts forever is death, Fears come from past experiences, and be careful who you trust.


And finally I'll end this with something completely new and yet, totally the same.
Entry # 3: Age 15, 2009

I used to believe that there was such a thing as "forever".
In my old journal I wrote "1998- forever!"
But of course.
Nothing last forever.
Journals will always fill up,
Friendships will always end,
and goodbyes will always hurt.
But, in the same way,
problems will always vanish,
tears will always dry,
and things will always die.

I used to have suicidal thoughts,
even now I value others life's more than my own.
But then I realized,of course!
There is something that lasts forever.
Death.

Ever sense I was a child I have been mentally preparing myself for my father's death.
Because not only is he of old age (currently in his 70's) But he also drinks and for a majority of his life smoked tobacco.
Such a weird thing to admit to, really.
But I know that death is inevitable,
and the only way I saw to deal with this unchangeable fact, was to prepare myself for it.

I didn't realize it,
but this has become my solution for many of my problems over the years.
Whenever I was faced with something that I deemed "unchangeable", something that no matter how hard I tried would never be able to reach.
I would mentally prepare myself for the parting.
Prepare myself for the impact, the pain, the anger.
But there was a problem with this.

For in order for me to mentally prepare myself I must separate myself from that person first.
Must push myself away and heal my scars before they appear. Disconnect my self from them completely, until finally, I just don't care.

But because of this old habit, I became very antisocial. And just now am beginning to push myself back into the world around me.

I still cannot trust, no.
I still do not believe in forever in the living world, and I honestly have no idea what I want anymore.
Right now, at this moment,
I have no goal.
I simply do what others deem is best for me.
I know that right now I am searching for something that I "want",
some goal to work towards.
Whenever I become tired from searching and feel like giving up, i remind myself;
nothing last forever.
Sooner or later my searching will end.

We all have goals, have some sort of dream.
We all chase after them will all our strength.
When you grow tired, and think of giving up,
Or if you're unhappy with your current situation, or the cards you were dealt, just remind yourself.
Nothing lasts forever.

So cherish the good things,
and forget the bad.
For this crazy little life,
is the only one you've ever had.
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