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• 1993-06-30
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• Female
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• 2006-11-06
Occupation
• Working myself half to death in school and clubs
Real Name
• Willa

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• I am a Simon Scholar
Anime Fan Since
• Since I really got into Naruto.
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• I have many
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• Finding and staying with people who love me for me.
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• singing, playing the flute and Saxophone, and writing.
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• being able to do homework from classes that I fall asleep in everyday xD




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myOtaku.com: AnimeAngel993


Friday, July 16, 2010

And the days roll on...
You don't have to read all of this, It's just me writing down my rambling thoughts...


Not really sure why,
but recently it just seems like life is rather boring. The things I used to enjoy.... no maybe I still enjoy them... I can't tell anymore. They don't make me happy like they used to.
It seems that with music, I'm always stressing out about something. I can't play or sing the music and just enjoy it or use it as a way to vent my stress, it's too mechanical these days...

Maybe that's my problem, because I don't know what I enjoy and what I don't, I don't know how to vent my stress, so it just gets bottled up, more and more, until I become completely numb.

Maybe the "Whys" behind the actions of the world just don't matter.

....maybe I should just let them be...

I'm sorry,
I know that I shouldn't burden you with this confusion too, but I realized today that writing really feels nice... and to write on myOtaku.... it brings back some wonderful memories of a more naive me. It makes me happy in a way. Even if it ended up being painful, it was fun.

I know again, that you probably don't know what I'm talking about, and that's okay.

After all, to me this site has turned into a place where I can say the things I normally can't even think.

It's refreshing.

I know I could bring this elsewhere, to somewhere that only involves blogs or something, but the people on myOtaku are usually so nice and accepting, I really don't think I could find that kind of audience anywhere else.

I realized recently that I always need to love something, even though most of the time that love is not returned, the need to love is still there.
So I hold on to the love I feel for someone (something, somewhere, it doesn't really matter. As long as I can love) until I find something else that I can place my attention on.

Honestly, it's very foolish.
And sometimes very painful.
But just because I realized it doesn't mean that I can stop it. That's just the way things are.

I thought for a little bit that with age I would gain wisdom and happiness, but when I look back on my old entries or my old self in general, I realize that I haven't changed at all. I am still the person I was before, even if some small changes have occurred, I still am the same overall person.

honestly, the main thing I face now is deciding whether or not that's a good thing. Deciding if I should change or not...

But then who would I be changing for?
Someone else? Or myself?

I thought that I had changed for myself before, but I ended up changing to try to appeal to others more.

Maybe I'm still that childish.

But then, isn't it okay to be a child?

Seeing as I didn't really get a chance to be one,
I was forced to face how cruel that world is at a very unfair age. So then... couldn't I act naive now?

Man, I don't even know what I'm writing anymore.
Still I will write.

It feels so nice to just write.

i wonder...
Why don't I feel happy much anymore?

There was one person.
One person who came to me when I was at a very dark time in my life, and when I was completely numb, he made me feel.
He made me happy, he made me sad, jealous, excited... he made me feel hopeful.
But... he never really cared about me that way..
And I think that knowing that if I told him this he probably wouldn't care is one of the most painful things...
No, not painful.
Numbing.
It makes me feel numb again.
I keep telling myself over and over that my life does not revolve around a single person; that I can be happy without him. But it's always a struggle.
Only when I'm with him is it easy to smile and be happy.

It's so different from everything else I've felt before.

And so, I'm mad at life again.
Because it keep putting someone in front of me, makes me want them, but also makes it so I will never have them.
It's happened so many times already...
I'm getting so sick of this...
But every time I think that, I become numb.

....and honestly, isn't that the worst feeling out there?

Thanks if you did read this far.

Have a nice night. (or day, depending on where and when you read this.)

-Angel
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