Saturday, January 20, 2007

   late nights and sharp knifes
yet again me and chris stayup forever talking ^.^ thursday we were up until 3AM, 3AM!!! lol! the next day i was fine at school it was weird! i was only a little tired but my mind was on snooze! um...matt's starting stuff with me again and i'm sick of it! he called me in the middle of my algebra class yesterday!!! so the second time he called i picked up the phone and said this: i'm in class idiot knock it off! so when i got out off class and on my lunch hour i called him back and he picked up. so i was like what do you want matt? and he goes what do you mean? so i said what do you want matt and he said f**k this and hung up!! he's the one that called me in the first freaking place! he called me on like tuesday night i think it was and asked when i had days off so i told him thinking he was going to finally pull together and talk to me face to face but he didn't. so i called him back 3 times and he didn't pick up to so the last time i left a message on his answering machine along the lines of this: i don't know what you want from me matt! you call me in the middle of class and when i call you back you hang up! i can't do this anymore! i'm sick of the way your treating me! i'm done so i give up! and that was that he hasn't tried calling back and i don't really want him too. i'm glad that alex told me to learn from my past and not to try and trust that matt would really love me still and to just let it go otherwise i would have been stupid and not realized what a great guy chris is. he's amazing to me. he's one of the first guys i've told about me cutting. he didn't freak out on me and i appreciated that so much i can't even tell you! i told alex the same night(thursday) and he flipped out on me so badly...it scared the shit out of me...i was hoping that i wouldn't flip to badly on chris...but he helped me talk to alex and heal things. me and alex have never gotten into a fight like that, it was so bad! we have a class together, u.s. government, and when he got in the class he came right to his seat and gave me the biggest hug. chris attempted to hang himself in the 6th grade. when he told me i was glad that he trusted me enough to tell me and that we had something else in common though i've never cut deep enough to actually have the possibility of dying. it made me sad to hear that he had almost killed himself. i'm glad his brother cut him down in time, i like him a lot he's an amazing guy. he made me promise that if i ever felt like i needed to cut to just call him and talk it out. i know that its a problem and i know that its gotta stop and i'm working on that, that's something i had to get accross to alex and i did so thats something that helped. i've gotta go so i'll talk to ya'll later!
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Thursday, January 18, 2007

   . . . s l e e p a n d w o n d e r f u l k i s s e s . . .
ok so i'm not exactly getting a lot of sleep these last 2 nights... and you can thank chris for that...he is a beautiful guy...he's our newest cc at safeway so i get to work with him all the time. we started flirting a lot at work. finally 2 nights ago he went past me and goes so you should give me your number so i did without missing a beat. the past 2 nights we've been up until 2 am talking! and i started school again so i'm on like no sleep at school which is bad since we just started a new semester! so i got to hang out with him today after my mom got off so she could take me over to his house. chris is 19, graduated from silver creek i think, is a little taller than me, and as i said he's gorgeous, to me at least. so when we walked to blockbluster a few blocks away and decided to watch employee of the month, its hilarious! i liked it! the whole time we were making excuses to move closer to each other. we started at completely opposite ends of the coach and in the end we were right next to each other. he figured out how ticklish i am and i say that my feet are officially off limits! lol! so we ended up watching tv for a while and then he kissed me on the cheek after we were just sitting there cuddling. and then we just slowly ended up facing each other and he leaned in and kissed me. where did this boy go to school for kissing? my gosh...i'm surprised he's not all weird about "us" since he hasn't dated for about 4 years until recently. my eyes are my mood ring and when i'm happy they're green and right now they're completely green!
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Thursday, January 11, 2007

   stupid stupid stupid...
stupid matt! he's doing it again! he called me while i was at work but whenever he calls me from his house it shows up as private. so i texted him and asked if he called and he said yeah. heres the conversation:

me: did you try to call me?
matt: yeah
me: oh i was at work
matt: sorry for being a dick. i am single now
me: ok?
matt: she was making me a dick
me: why should i just stop being completely pissed at you?
matt: cuz your kool
me: yeah but i'm not stupid
me: give me one reason to want to talk to you matt, one reason
matt: i miss you and i know you miss me
me: matt give me a reason why i shouldn't be mad
matt: i fucked up. sorry
me: and i'm supposed to not be mad?
matt: no. talk tomorrow

and then he stopped writing. i'm going to slap him if he comes near me. what he did was wrong. you don't tell your exgirlfriend that you still love her and miss her WHEN YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!!! OMG!!!
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   T H E L L A M A S O N G ! ! !
Here’s a lama, there's a llama
and another little llama
fuzzy llama, funny llama
llama, llama, duck
Llama, llama, cheesecake llama
tablet, brick, potato
llama, llama, mushroom, llama
llama, llama, duck

I was once a tree-house
I lived in a cake
but I never saw the way
the orange slayed the rake
I was only three years dead
but it told a tale
and now listen little child
to the safety rail

Did u ever see a llama
kiss a llama on the llama
llama's llama taste of llama
llama, llama, duck
Half a llama, twice a llama
not a llama, farmer, llama
llama in a car, alarm a llama
llama, llama duck

Is that how it's told now?
Is it all so old?
Is it made of lemon juice
doorknob, ankle, cold
now my song is getting thin
and I’ve run out of luck
time for me to retire now
and become a duck
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Wednesday, January 10, 2007

   TENORS
yay my friends aldo and ashely are teaching me how to play tenors! they are so fun to play! but they are so freaking heavy its not even funny! lol! so we played at trail ridge middle school to help get people wanting to come join band. i have a crush on an 8th grade girl...i'm so strange...i'm bi if you didn't know that! she is beautiful! she flirts with me, i've only run into her twice but i finally got to talk to her today, so she knows i'm in band and yeah...maybe something will possibly happen next year when she comes to skyline, or i'm just reading my signals wrong and my bi & gay metor is way off but she is just so...adorable and she shows off when i'm around...i need a life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Wednesday, January 3, 2007

   GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR...
matt, get this, HAS A GIRLFRIEND!!! he NEVER told me, even though he told me he still "loves" me! OMG!!! i was so pissed when he told me...then i cried for an hour because i feel stupid and yeah...and the person that i HATE the most is back at my school! OMG!!! I HATE HER WITH A PASSION!
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Wednesday, December 27, 2006

   YAY!!! and NAY!!!
ok! so yeah, i'm definitely an emo girl...

Here is the YAY!!!

1. i got to see my sister for a few days which makes me so happy! she doesn't live in the same state as me any more so i don't always get to see my rae rae! but i got to spend all of christmas day with her! YAY!

2. MY MASHA IS HOME!!! YAY!!!

Here's the NAY!!!

1. i work with jareth almost every freaking day!!! when i worked on christmas(yeah you heard me christmas) he and i where the only cart cadies there for like 2 hours, that was fun, NOT!!! i want to shoot him but no one will gives me a gun... :(

2. i asked my ex boyfriend matt out again 2 days before christmas...he hasn't answered...i finally just texted him on christmas saying : Ok fine! I take it back! I don't want you to answer! Jeez!...and still nothing!!! what do i have to do? so he called me on christmas night around 11 and i ignored his first call completely. i just looked at my cell and waited for Hospitality by Funeral For A Friend to stop playing and then waited to see if Last Resort by Papa Roach would play saying i had a voicemail message would go off and it did. he asked me to text him when i got the message. so i texted : What do you want matt? so he calls me again. against my better judgement i answered. i was mean, i barely said anything. he could tell i was upset about something and didn't really want to talk but when he asked why i didn't tell him the whole truth i only told him the part about my sister going home the next day, not the part about how much i hated him and loved him at the same time. i worked during the afternoon on christmas eve and he showed up at safeway, barely acted like i was alive! this from the guy who claims that he really did love me while we were going out and that he still does love me but HE ISN'T SHOWING IT!!! what is it going to take? flairs, fireworks? what? someone tell me, cause i don't know anymore! he didn't call me last night and i'm not sure if i will pick up tonight if he does call me...ugh...i hate boys...
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Tuesday, December 19, 2006

   R u n - S n o w P a t r o l
I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

Slower slower
We don't have time for that
All I want is to find an easier way
To get out of our little heads

Have heart my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear
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   F a c e D o w n - R e d J u m p S u i t A p p a r a t u s
One look puts the rhythm in my head.
Still I'll never understand why you hang around.
I see what's going down.

Cover up with makeup in the mirror,
Tell yourself it's never gonna happen again.
You cry alone and then he swears he loves you

Do you feel like a man when you push her around?
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?
Well, I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end
As your lies crumble down, a new life she has found.

A pebble in the water makes a ripple effect;
Every action in this world will bear a consequence.
If you wade around forever you will surely drown.
I see what's going down.

I see the way you go and say you're right again,
say your right again
heed my lecture

Do you feel like a man when you push her around?
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?
Well, I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end
as your lies crumble down, a new life she has.

One day she will tell you that she has had enough.
It's coming round again.(2)

Do you feel like a man when you push her around?
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?
Well, I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end
As your lies crumble down, a new life she has

Face down in the dirt she says "this doesn't hurt"


i like these lyrics, they're great. the song makes me want to cry though. not only can you think about as physical abuse but also emotional abuse. don't let your "boyfriend" ever ever push you around emotionaly or physically! i just got out of a relationship where my boyfriend was trying to get me to have sex with him and i didn't want to. when i said we needed to take a break and he needed to think about where he really wanted us to go he said we were done. i interpret that as he just wanted to get in my pants and i hate myself for believing that my "best friend gone boyfriend" loved me. he only wanted to get in my pants and get me in bed.
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Sunday, December 17, 2006

   F o r Y o u I W i l l - T e d d y G e i g e r
Wandering the streets, in a world underneath it all
Nothing seems to be, nothing tastes as sweet
As what I can't have
Like you and the way that you're twisting your hair
round your finger
Tonight I'm not afraid to tell you
What I feel about you.

I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
and cannon ball into the water
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
For you I will

Forgive me if I st-stutter
From all of the clutter in my head
Cuz I could fall asleep in those eyes
Like a water bed
Do I seem familiar, I've crossed you in hallways
a thousand times, no more camouflage
I want to be exposed, and not be afraid to fall.

I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
And cannon ball into the water
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
You always want what you can't have
But I've got to try
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
For you I will
For you I will
For you

If I could dim the lights in the mall
And create a mood I would
Shout out your name so it echoes in every room, yeah

That's what I'd do,
That's what I'd do
To get through to you

I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
And cannon ball into the water
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
You always want what you can't have
But I've got to try
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
For you I will
For you I will
For you I will
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