Monday, March 19, 2007

   roger
OK, so my relationship with my dad isn't the greatest. i finally sat down and wrote him the email i've been telling myself i would write for years. he's going to take it out on my mom, i know he is, but i HAD TO DO IT! here it is :

So, by now you know that you lost your case.  Bo ho how sad for you.  You assume that I don't know where half my clothes and some of the food I eat comes from, you're a dumb ass.  I know you don't love me, I only love you because you're my dad, because your supposed to love your parents, and because grandma asked me to love you no matter what you did.    You ashamed of me because I'm bi, because I like girls.  WELL I DON'T CARE!  My best friend is GAY!  I couldn't get through life without Alex, he helps me live!  I can tell him ANYTHING and EVERYTHING!  I HATE parents who are ashamed of their kids, their bi kids, their lesbian daughters, their gay sons.  Alex's parents hate the fact that he's gay, his dad has hurt him because he's gay!  Mom accepts me for who I am, she isn't ashamed of me and she isn't trying to change who I am, and for that I love her more than words can say!  But you, you tried to use my being bi against mom!  You tried to get out of paying child support because I'm bi, and that’s fucked up!  And yes I am cussing at you but I don't care!  I have to tell you these things because I've been holding them inside for years.  When I found out about Randi from grandma I was overjoyed and completely crushed at the same time!  I LOVED the fact that I had a little sister, but I HATED the fact that you DIDN'T TELL ME OR RAE FOR 2 YEARS!!!  You guys promised that you would tell us when Bri was born, but yet again you didn't!  And your reason not to is SHIT!!!  We had school to get ready for and homework and classes happening, we couldn't send you every little detail of our lives, not that you would have noticed anyways!  You have never given me a reason to love you!  You've never been here for me, never been in my life.  I don't even remember you from when mom and you were still together.  But I would NEVER rearrange my life to put you into it.  As much as I wish I had grown up with 2 parents, with a dad that loved me, I got all that I needed from mom.  Because she loves me and I know that she does.  We may get into fights and say things that we don't mean but we always pull through.  I hate the thought that you are ashamed of me, but I can't let that rule my life.  I wish to god you weren't but I know that you are, even if you told me you weren't I know you are because you used that fact to try and get out of child support for your bi daughter.  You are an alcoholic Roger, you NEED to see this.  Even if you don't care, you need to know that that’s one reason I hate you.  I hate that you never care that I'm alive.  You never care.  If you did care you would know about the boyfriends I've had, the dresses I've worn to dances with friends, my heartbreaks, the tears I've cried over things from scrapped knees and elbows, to fights with boyfriends and friends, to me getting a concussion and splitting my eyebrow open.  You would know about plans with friends to go to gay prom in Denver, the dress I'm planning to wear, the hat and tie, the pink high heels, the fact that my date is Silvia, a girl, even though she's just a friend.  You would know about me being scared everyday that James is stuck in Maryland that he might kill himself & me and Alex wouldn't know because his parents took his phone.  You would know that I'm scared every time Alex goes home because if his dad does something like in January I don't know what I would do!  I would be so lost without him, without James, the 2 gay boys that I completely and utterly love.  I have pride in the person I am, and if your ashamed of me and who I am than so be it.  I can't change that fact, I can't make you stop thinking that or stop you from drinking or stop you from lying.  All I can do is continue living my life the way I have for years.

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