Thursday, November 29, 2007

   hey every one how is it going. stress is a bitch. my friend is angry at our group of friends, i having trouble getting a date, and my abilities are getting weirder and mor randdom. last night at about 2am i vision my phone rand and then 7 minites latter it range. unknown number but hey it happened. able to read people feeling by looking at them, more acrute when looking at the eyes. but what are you to do. jay-ne going to sleep now in class.
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Monday, November 26, 2007

   Sqwee
Hey everyone I’m back. How was you guys (otaku’s in the US) thanks giving break. Mine was fine exept for Thursday. How shall I say it. I found something that should have stayed lost. A not from Kizu. It was the letter/note that he gave me that told that he was not ready for a relationship and that he just wanted to be friends. Now with my resent growth of my abilities I was able to read not only the words that he wrote, but also the aura. The aura may be in words but he was able to cast his aura on the words and I could read hid mood of how he felt during the time that he wrote it. Complete sincerity, lined with pain, fear, and hope that I would not be hurt. Now I don’t know if I’ll be able to let go as much as I needed to.

Now enough of the mello drama. On to a better subject. *jumps up and goes spastic like a hyper NaruSasu yaoi fangirls* I my not be single for much longer and if everything goes as I hope I hve my first boyfriend. *mellos out* and for thouse of you just joining in I’m bi. *points to avi* *returns to spastic* it would be my friend Aya’s ex’s friend that is also bi.*relaxes* I taking a break from girls. Not to be offencsive or any thing but the girls I dated where, well, the first one was needy and a whore, the second was secretive, needy and well didn’t really tell me about herself. So now I’m trying guys. The worst that could happen is I get raped but lets just say that I watch too much tv. Crime dramas. He he he.

So any thing new with you guys?

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Tuesday, November 20, 2007

   hating myself. (be ready for a long post)
hey everyone. sorry that i haven't posted in a while. trying to get over my phase of depression myself and now i'm fine, just hating myself. most of you are like "what?? but that is a bit depressing." well you not me. let go back to the begining of last month, the 5th to be exact. the night before my homecoming dance i had a dree me and my friend kizu (to respect him and not use his real name) where making out on my bed. then my mom needed me for some thing and called me out when it was getting good. that day at work i could no get that dream out of my head until i had gotten home and ready for the dance. that monday he came "out of the closet" and said that he was bi the next day i cam out too. in the same week i asked him out. blah blah blah drama for the next 4 weeks. then holloween night after trick and treating i had three dreams, one about new lockes in our school and the fask they where wood laminite cursing out the princible for moving my locker to a trash can and getting it back. the next dream was kizu and our friend kate (not her real name) i went to talk to them yelled their name louder at the top of my lungs and the did not turn around. then in the school it started to snow. then last thursday i find out that two weeks ago they started going out. two days after the dream. the third i can't seem to remember but i know that it involved kizu. then two weeks ago this friday i had a dream that there was trouble with kizu and his past and that he was moving to port huron, then tuesday him and his mom filed a lawsuit against his dad. then last friday i dreampt that my friend aya and her boy friend were going on a dat him and i where going to pick her up from my house. we went to the street of her lovers. i was onthe left and he was on the right if you were to face us. we were talking about some thing that i can't recall then my arm went over his shoulder and i went to kiss him and i hit the corner of his lips on the right. the we went to his house were his dad gave him three dollors for him and aya to go on a date at the fair that was at the school next door. we walked then returned to his house and those two started to make out. still trying to figure out what this dream means. as you can see the other have told me in some way of events that have happened. then last night i was half asleep and i started to feel as if a spiritual entity was entering my body. my musles were tense. then slowly started to relax. the strange dream that i had was my scool had a second pool that they use it was also a place that i dreamed of before. the poll was locked off but i some how was able to enter i splashed the water then more water begane to emerge and the room was about to be filled a small boy with brown mushroom cut hair apeared and thats when i woke up in a half sleep. i also been able to tell when my friends or people that i am emotionaly atachet to are hiding something. i don't knkow what to do any more. i fell in love with kizu,and after his words from an argument that we had hit me like dagger in my heart some thing shattered, there is an air of acwardness and i'm still have feelings for him, i'm trying to forget but some thing doesn't seem right. my mother thought i was going to kill myself, and i almost punched a friend of mine be cause i gave him an aditude be cause me and a friend are trying to get ready for scolastics and he said in reply sorry that i have a sence of humar. you don't need to get an aditude just because you can't get with kizu. the thing is i'm trying to forget. it not my falt that destainy had us meet and we to lern something frome each other. kizu had a party over the weekend he invited a few friend, fluffy, yumi, cho, and his girlfriend that i know of and no one showed up. i wanted to say so badlly that he should think of who would con who can come and not just invited people at random. but i respect him to much and i don't want to drive a dagger into him like he did to me. he also might think of it as me pushing toward him and not backing off like he asked. so i have a gift my pshcic abilities are awakening (runs on my moms side of the family in verious degrees) i,m happy with my life, the only thing is that my only two relationships did not go so well so i'm going for guys for a while. the only thing is i need to find one. any sugestion on how to relive this stress in a efecient way or how i'm going to tell my dad because he is the only one in my house hold that doesn't know? happy thanks giving.
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Wednesday, November 7, 2007

   don't know what to do anymore
yeah i hate when i start thinking. esspecelly about my life. as most of you know i came out and said i was bi. i have fallen for a guy in my shcool(he is in my english class) and ever since i asked him out my life seems like i messed with the casmos and it keeps blowing up in my face. he said he told me to stop and back off but me i'm an absent minded person and i don't always hear everything. he had someone else say it to my face. then the teacher asked me to talk to him about turning in his essay and he said he did but the teacher has neither a hard copy or a copy summited to blackbord (a web site that sutudents comunicat and get assinment when not in school). he's made at me the teacher might get fired because his mom thinks that the teacher told me his grade, his mom is anoyed because i've been over their house. only five times, one of them she invited me to one, three of them i had to talk to him and the other i needed to find out info for a movie remake we're doing. now i could hve just distroyed our friendship and possible relationship. that and i think i'm cursed to never be loved by some one out side my familiy that i love. my life is spiriling down into a eternal black abyass. AND JUST ABOUT TO KILL SOME ON IN MY CLASS. any advice to cheer me up or help me?
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Tuesday, November 6, 2007

for Akida
age shouldnt matter
Age Shouldn't Matter
Age shouldn't Matter If It's Love
Girl: Heyy What's Up?



Boy: nm...just listening to music.



Girl: I heard you're getting your G.E.D :)



Boy: Yeahh, i thought it was a good idea.



Girl: It is! I'm so proud of you.



Boy: Yeahh, thanks, well i g2g. later.



-Last message recieved 9/23/07



-The Nxt Day.



Girl: Hi :]



Boy: Hey, what's up.



Girl:Not much, you?



Boy: I got my G.E.D!



Girl: OMG!! I'm so proud of you ^_^



Boy: yeah thanks.



Girl: I have to tell you something.



Boy:yes?



Girl: well i love you. i always have i cared about you and your always in my heart.



Boy: thats cool i love you too but your too young your 15 and im 18



Girl: But i love you age shouldn't mater



Boy: I know you do...and i love you, But i found this girl my age...



Girl: i just thought......(crying -she logs off)



The next day the boy turns on the news and hears that a 15 year old girl cut her wrists and wrote on the wall "Age never matters."



The boy then recives a call from the girl he chose and she says "I'm leaving you for the one i love."



That night the boy hangs himself and writes on the wall "She's right. Age doesn't matter. I love you and always will."



IF YOU AGREE THAT AGE SHOULDN'T MATTER AS LONG AS YOU LOVE THEM WITH ALL YOUR HEART!



THEN REPOST THIS AS "Age Shouldn't Matter"



& A MIRACLE WILL HAPPEN AT 12:00 midnight
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   Life- Spiriling down to the abyass of depression
life preety much sucks. since the last time i updated i'll i have to say is drama with me and V. last friday my teacher ask me to talk to him about turning in his essay. i talk to him he said that he turned it in and i to the teacher and well lets say that his mother thinks that the teacher told me his grade and now want to get the teacher fired. he hates me for telling her but what did he expect. part of my grade is tied in with it. now time for a poem that i wrote yesterday.

True Healing
We talk and exchange what we know
But do you hear
The fear in my voice?
You have said you
Have been in love
So you know
How I feel
I have fallen
In love with you
For who you are
I hear my racing heart
How can it ever
Be calm in your presence
All I really want to do
Is say “I’ve Fallen in love with you”
You’ll ask “What part of me/”
All I’ll do in response
Is simply
“For who you are”
I’ll grab your hands
And I’ll draw you in
Sealing my confession
With a tender kiss
I know in my mind
You’ll pull away
“You’re just a friend. Nothing More.”
Is what I will hear
A shaken tone
A tone that says
“I’m waiting for someone else.”
A pain of a dagger
Stabs my heart
Yet
Tears of joy
Run down my face
I know you’ll be loved
Even though
You already are
You’ll love them
Maybe one day me
Though that day
Is
Just a fantasy
Now able to
Forget these
Feelings for you
Knowing that you
Know how I feel
Even though you
Push me away
Has allowed this
Soul to finally heal


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Tuesday, October 23, 2007

update
Yeah life now sucks. i found out yeasterday after i gave him my story of how i felt about him and asking him how he felt about me but before he read it he got a call from an ex of his and his may be coming up here and wants to try and rekindle their relationship. when i heard that i almost broke down because this is the ex that he fell in love with. i was about to cry and now i'll be letting will him know that he should forget about my emotions for him and do what will make him happy and i'll be there to support what ever dision that he makes. Yes i mean what i'm saying. now i have to do Dr. Wiz on him and get him out of this depressed mode. because it is making me depressed. so if you have any segestion of what i can do to help him or me just pm me.

Thanks
ApprentiWizzard
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Saturday, October 20, 2007

my story
here it is my story not up to date but what i have.

“What’s going on? What’s happening?” they were falling down in to an eternal black abyss. “What did I do?” his thoughts were racing though his mind. “All I did was make a wish.” His mind went black, except for the thought of Kizu.
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My life has been turned upside down, but I’m loving it more than ever. It all started my final year in high school. That’s when he came in to my life. My name is Chiyu by the way. The school year started normally like it did the past two years. Seeing my friends again, looking forward to being into a certain classes and being in the awesome teachers classes. I remember that it had happened, well started, on a group project in Mrs. Kinko’s class. Fluffy-Chan and I were in a group and Mrs. Kinko asked if Kizu could join our group. We’re nondiscriminatory and she knew that and since we were good students we drew him in to our project and he became more than just a partner on a project, he became a friend. What probably sparked something with inside me was the part of the project that we hoped was going to put a WOW on it. We went to a public sight to take pictures. It was one of the most memorably times for me. We, Kizu, Fluffy-Chan, and I, walked around and people were probably looking at us thinking “What is their problem?” That night I thought I heard a faint crack within the distance. Two weeks past by in a blink of an eye and were a blur. Then it was the week of the homecoming. Not much happened within that week, until the dance. The night of the dance my sister Mimi went with her friends to the dance. I got there a bit late. I walk in to the gym where we all dance. There Kizu was. He walked up to me and said with childlike excitement “I got my blue contacts. That and there a deep blue called True Sapphire.” I looked in to his eyes and they were a gorgeous deep blue that almost made my knees melt. Then again I heard a distant faint cracking sound. I blew it off because the music was so loud that I thought that it was my imagination. The night progressed that I normally would. Dancing, chats, and finding about Kizu’s past. You see he transferred from a different area then were is now. Mainly the areas were he used to live. Then that Monday came. I found out that he went “that way”. I remember vividly what happened. I was talking to Haru, and I heard “I go that way.” I turned and Kizu laughed with that light hearted laugh that for some people it makes your heard warm and quicken. He repeated that line and crossed his arms across his body and pointed. I was like O.K. and continued my conversation with Haru. The next day I told Fluffy-Chan that I came to the realization that I was bi. She was ok with that because she was bi herself. After I told him that I heard another crack in the far distance. Then it was Wednesday, and I found out that he had a troubled past with his father. That and his father thinking he was a whore that would have sex with anyone. That night I realized that I have special feeling for him. My other relationships were pathetic. My middle school life made me who I am today. I was ridiculed for being who I was and not letting what society wants you to be. I was the arts and crafty type. The girl I liked didn’t want to go out with me because I was U-G-L-Y. I was not; she just didn’t find me attractive. Then there was eighth grade after I moved from my old “Catholic” school. They were not Catholic. Less than half the school was not Catholic. There was sexual harassment that I went through there; but the girl in eighth grade that I liked would have gone out with me if I had answered the question the way I wanted to then what I thought she wanted to hear. Girls can’t figure them out and would not be here without them. Then my junior year I asked a girl that I like, well not me my friend Aya, and I’m still waiting for a reply. Those were people that I liked and there was a spark of passion down within my heart. My sophomore year there was a girl that I asked me out and I said ok stupidly. She broke up with me because I would not make out with her. She was the first one I dated and I will not to something that is intimate, and my idea of intimate starts at making out to sex from small to large, with any one that I don’t have firery passionate feeling for. Than my most recent one that ended for weeks ago was due to me not spending time with her. It’s my senior year, I have a job, and I have to find a collage to go to. What do you think is going to happen? The following day, I gave him a not that told him how I felt, but in more words that was need to be used. That’s when I heard another crack from a far distance. That night I could not sleep because at lunch he told me he was going to write a reply. Instead of going to sleep I had wrote three paragraph poems about him. Friday I gave them to him and said “I don’t care about a reply just read this.” Then at lunch he gave me a letter that said that he was not ready for a relationship because he has scars and burns that made him not ready for a relationship yet. He also hoped that those words did not hurt me. It was not the words that hurt me. Yes, I know that he needs time, but time can only do so much. What hurt me was the fact that he could not take the chance to have a relationship with those scares. That night I was thinking of ways to help him heal those scares. That night I heard a distant crack with in my dream. So for the time being I’m helping him cure him of his scars, but that is not where it got us to where we are now.

 
The day began out to a mildness to were you only had to have a long sleeve t-shirt with a short sleeve t-shirt over it. New hope shined within Chiyu’s heart. He left his heart with the hope that Kizu or at least one scar of his would be able to heal. Chiyu decided to walk to school today. He planed dragging, if he had to a class room and tell him that he was a big clueless and blinded fool. That was one of the thing that gave him an unseen drew Chiyu to Kizu. Kizu was someone that had an untold aura around him that enchanted certain people to him. Guess he was someone that got entangled within the mystic enchantment. Then maybe he may be able to shock some since into him. The day passed by slowly, till it came to the class with Kizu. Kizu ways just like him, bisexual. The lunch bell rang and they walked out together. The class room came up.
Chiyu gracefully laid his hands upon Kizu’s shoulders and pushed him intensively into the room. “We’re not going to the lunchroom today. We’re going to eat lunch in here.” The classroom was almost disserted. The only people left were the teacher and three students besides them.
“Why we in are here? I need to talk to Yumi and show this to my couch?” said Kizu with a bit of pain emanating from his voice, because he had shattered his toe nail.
“We’ll go down if you really want to.” Said Chiyu for he did not want to cause turmoil to where they could not be with each other.
“Yeah I want to.” He said in reply. Just like a dog following his master Chiyu followed him.
Then the end of the day came and Chiyu went down the hall to find Kizu. He was determined to spend alone time with him. They went out to the opposite end of the school to wait for his mom to pick him up. They talked.
“You learn to bluff when you are brought up in a house hold like mine were I used to live. That and after my “father” kicked me out this summer.” Said Kizu.
Chiyu new that it was bringing up the past for him and causing a scar to reopen, but his face showed a expression of peace like he was able to trust someone with this information. He saw, with the eyes that see more than what is on the physical plane, that it healed more of the scar than it did when it was reopened.
There he had this thought that emanated from the bottom of his heart. “All I want is to show him that I’m here for him and that I care with all my precious feelings.” He thought. A great lighted David’s star pentagram eliminated below them and when it did Chiyu heard an object shatter and when he looked down at their feet he saw a broken mask. It was his mask that hides his real self. The light grew brighter and brighter.
“What’s going on? What’s happening?” they were falling down in to an eternal black abyss. “What did I do?” his thoughts were racing though his mind. “All I did was make a wish.” His mind went black, except for the thought of Kizu.
 

Chiyu and Kizu awoke the next day. They were laying next to each other. Chiyu was the first one to wake up. His eyes fluttered open when he was in the beginning of the morning daze. When he was able to recognize the figure next to him he shot out of floor mat and turned the other way. Chiyu could feel his face heat up with red hot passionate feelings that he knew emanated from the very depths of his heart. A man walked in.
“Ah. Good. You’re awake. How is he doing?”
“I don’t know. I just woke up myself.” As Chiyu said that Kizu started to moan and stir. He arose up from his slumber as if he was in a trance.
“What’s going on?” he looked around. “Where are we?”
“I was just about to get to that.” Said the man that had walked into the room. “You both are in the Hanshin Republic. It’s a place that is a group of islands that form the shape of a tiger. I’m guessing you both came from the Space Time Witch?”
“Who?” asked Chiyu and Kizu.
“She has the power to send people to different worlds. Then I’m guessing that you both casted a spell to transport yourselves here?”
Chiyu had to think for a bit. The Pentagram that appeared below them! “No, well not exactly. The last thing that I remember is talking to Kizu before this glowing pentagram appeared below us.”
“Subconscious magic. Very rare but possible.”
“What’s that?” asked Kizu.
“It is when one or two people want something to happen so bad that the magic is cast so that the desire can be granted. Usually in most cases of this happening the person, or persons, creates an object that brakes. That’s when the spell is cast. Did this happen to either one of you?”
“No.” said Kizu. Chiyu looked as though he was I train of thought. “Chiyu, what about you?” There was no reaction. “CHIYU!” This seemed to draw hi out of his trance.
“What? No.” this was a lie he was the one that cast the magic and he had no knowledge of how to un do it and get them back to where they were meant to be.
 
The next day was lighted with a clouded sky. Kizu went out to the balcony to observe the city. “Chiyu, Do you wonder why we’re here?”
“Y-y-y-yeah. I know that we were meant to be here. I think it has same thing to do with us?” replied Chiyu.
“What? Why would it have to do with us? How would you know?” ask Kizu.
Chiyu’s body went into a trance like state. His body rose and started to glow in a passionate red glow. A deep rose out of his voice, “One that has a wish that is pure as snow. A wish that is for another that helps heal the unseen. When the wish is partly granted a new world you will experience until the wish is fully granted. This soul was awakened by the one that he was with when the spell was cast.” Chiyu’s body slowly and gracefully flowed down to the ground the light dimed. Chiyu wobbled around as if he just had a dizzy spell. Chiyu’s voice returned to normal, “What just happened?”
“Nothing at all.” Kizu lied, he had to ponder what had just accrued at what just happened.
“Hey! How are you guys doing this morning?” The man asked them. The night before they found out that his name was Fai.
“Alright Fia. Do you have any news?” asked Chiyu.
“Not much, but I did find you guys jobs for while you’re here.” Replied Fai.
“Where?” asked Kizu.
“Down in the Cat’s Eye Café. It’s a place that I opened up Long ago when I was with friends on an adventure. It’s to remember those time’s. When you guy’s find someone that you care about and they care for you, don’t let them go.”
“Why? What happened?” asked Chiyu. When the question was asked, you heard simply purity, love, passion, and fear.
“Years ago now,” he strayed of and went into a trance, remembering the good time, “I went to see the Space Time Witch, in her dimension that is where I met Syaoran, Sakura, and Kurogane.” His voice trailed off when he said that name. Love and pain was all concentrated in that name. “Syaoran and Sakura came from the same world. She had a great power that allowed you to travel different worlds. Her power had awaken and her memory scattered to the winds in shape of feathers. He wanted to recover her memory but at the cost she would never remember him from the point of birth to the point to where she lost her memory. Syaoran loved Sakura so much that he would give up the memories that she had with him to revive her and get her memories back.”
“I on the other hand did not wish to go back to my world. I will not tell you why, so don’t ask. My price for that was my magical ability. Kurogane on the other hand wished o return to his world and his price was his prized katana, the Silver Dragon. Well that’s all for now. Time to get to work.” Said Fai. We fell to the ground in displeasurement for we were entranced by the story.
The work was not real hard. I was waiting on people that sat at tables and booths. Kizu was behind the bar serving people. He seemed to be a big hit. He would take cups and glasses and juggle, toss in the air, rotate them with his palm, and others. He was a real entertainer. We were dead for an hour, and to pass the time Kizu did his Barman tricks. I leaned up against a wall and steered with eyes of wonder. The center attraction that laid within the iyrises held a figure that enchanted every being of my body and soul. The day concluded with out and problems we went up to the apartment and laid in our beds awaiting the next day.

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Friday, October 19, 2007

   Love sick reant
Life is amzing. I've cought the love bug. and several of my frinds know why. as some of you have read form my last post is that i am bi. and i'm falling fo a guy. he is absolutly awsome. Im a hopeless romantic. i'm in the prosses of writing a love story that takes my life with a tsubasa twist. adn Fai and kurogane were ment to be but something went wong and that's all i will say with that. i'm in the stage that every time i think about him i smile *smiles*. like i said love struk. I'm falling for him. I've never been this happy in my life. I will be posting the story tommarow.

So how is every one.
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Saturday, October 13, 2007

   Help
Hey how has every one been. Me, well, worried. Lets start from the begining of this week. Monday, acwardness at my lunch table. *nerviosly shaking at the keybord* Thing were let out at the lunch table. Three of my friends had been raped when they were younger and two of my friends are bi.. Teusday night I had told one of my friends, Fluffy-Fox to be ecact(who is one of my friends that are bi), that i was bi. Yes big shock. I'e know for six months, and now have the courage to tell my friends. Wendsday I had had told my friends Aya, Anna, and my co-worker April that i was bi, and that night I wrote a letter to my Friend V (he is also bi, and was one of my friends that was raped when he was younger) how i felt about him and asked him out. At lunch I found out he was going to right a reply to what i wrote. At RPG culb I told my friend Bunny-chan that i was bi. That night I was so nervous about what he was going to write that i did not get to sleep until 4 in the morning. Friday, yesterday, I gave him som poetry that I wrote about my feelings for him and a t lunch i got his reply. He needs time to get to know me and has "scars that run deep". I feel that he was hurt deeply in a past relationship that he does not want to hurt me. I want to help heal those scars. Time can only do so much. All I am asking from you guys is any advice that I can use to help him.

P.S. The last tree night I have not been able to get a lot of sleep. worrying about him. Just to let you guys now.


Well,
Jay-ne
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