Tuesday, February 3, 2004

Fascinating, really.

Current Mood: Silly Looking forward to: My Chick-Fil-A dinner and talking to a certain someone. >_>;; Well kids, today Megan had an Astronomy test, and ... it was interesting. There were only three math problems, so that was pretty lucky, but there were also a few questions that made me feel like crying, so you know. Over all, I don't think I did that bad, but it definitely wasn't A material. I'll know by Thursday though. (Crap.) After having ugly weather for about a week, it's absolutely gorgeous out again. And they actually were mowing outside today, so I got the smell of freshly cut grass and everything. Natalie and I have decided to run and get an early dinner and then go eat outside somewhere and enjoy it. I might also use that time to write some letters. Apparently my brother has been pretty sick lately, so I might try and doodle something concerning stick figures to cheer him up. He's a dork, so he'll like it. I'm also dying to send out my Valentine cards to him and my sister and my parents - it's so, so, so hard to keep it a secret, especially since my sister is going through one of those "I want to kill all humans with a penis" phases. But I must hold out..... need.. will-power... Today is also a pretty day. I'm feeling particularly lovely, even if my hair is flipping out and doing weird things. >_>;; It really has a mind of its own sometimes. But even so, I still rock. With all that said, I leave you all to ponder this: Mmmm, yum.

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Monday, February 2, 2004

Welcome to the sea.

Current Mood: Incredibly pensive Listening To: California: Phantom Planet I'm about to go to the gym and run, and believe it or not, I'm really looking forward to it now. I can't wait to go run that mile, listening to my tunes, so I can get lost in my thoughts. Something tells me this is going to be a fantastic ritual of mine. I thought I should put a quick post in and update you all with my exciting life. T.T Right. So far, nothing too exciting. Although I did have a nice girl's night last Friday in which we watched Audrey Hepburn films and ate popcorn and goldfish. The group I was with were all from my roommate's church organization, but they were nice to me anyway. ^_^;; Also, yesterday, instead of studying for my Astronomy test (which is tomorrow), me and said roomie Natalie had an absolute ball watching A & E's version of Pride and Prejudice. It was fantastic, though I've never actually read the book. Needless to say, though, I'm a huge fan of Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth Bennett. It was really a lot of fun, despite the fact that every time Colin Firth came on the screen, we started acting like stupid hormonal girls. I tell you, it's those old English costumes. Tres sexy. By the way, I don't know if I spelled any of those names right. The weather has been quite dreary lately. This morning, it was kind of sprinkling. I say kind of because they weren't really real water droplets - it was more like a half-assed attempt at them. So that, and the fact that I skipped my math class this morning tells me that today is going to be very lazy indeed. But, nevertheless, I am still looking forward to the gym. I swear, if my family and friends could only hear me now, they'd think I was really, terribly ill or something. Downright mental, even. Heh. When everything's made to be broken I just want you to know who I am

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Wednesday, January 28, 2004

The future of America...

Current Mood: Pretty good, kind of thoughtful. Listening To: Escaflowne music. I once told my dad that because I'm going to be a teacher, "The future of America is in my hands." He replied, "Oh dear god, what have I done?" Thank you, Dad. Really. Heh, okay. I have to be honest with you guys - I really enjoy school. I always have. The learning part at least; there were a few years there that I absolutely hated because of my classmates or teachers or whatever, but that's bound to happen to everyone, I think. Anyway, I find myself in a perpetual state of learning, especially since coming to FSU. College means that while you do have a few requirements here and there, you're mostly taking classes that YOU want to take. Classes that, more likely than not, you'll be interested in what's said and what there is to digest. Obviously, as a liberal arts person, most of my classes lean towards history, literature, psychology and philosophy.. that sort of thing. But the astronomy class (and the lab) I have this semester is, for lack of a better word, fascinating. I've always liked stars, the evolution of the universe.. that sort of thing. I'm not too fond of a lot of the physics aspects, but I have to admit that that's mostly because I'm just not that good in physics. People always wonder why I (or anybody else, for that matter) would want to be a teacher, too. They sort of give you this look that says, "Oh, so you want to be poor." (By the way, the solution to that is to marry rich, or win the lottery.) I think I can safely put some of the blame on a history teacher I had for a couple years in high school. Mr. Pritchard. He was a fantastic guy, and an even better teacher. The kind that absolutely loves his job, and loves kids, and loves to let people know that. He knows tons about European history, the stories behind it all, and I remember countless times when the entire class would be totally caught up in whatever it was he was talking about. He's even gone overseas to different countries and has brought back his stories from his time spent over there. And damn, can the man tell a story. I remember one in particular about the Nazis, but more specifically, the people in Germany during the Third Reich. He'd been staying with a friend of his, who was German (naturally), and his friend's mother had taken quite a liking to him, even though she didn't really speak English all that well. Pritchard asked her lots of questions about WW2, since she'd been alive during it, and she was happy to relate to him her memories. Finally, he asked her the age old question why - why had so many people in Germany allowed Hitler to do so many horrible things? She looked at him, and then told him calmly, "I was a Nazi." And I still remember Pritchard's face, heh. He told us he was so surprised that this friendly, gentle old woman could have ever been a Nazi. But she had explained to him that when Hitler first came into the scene, he was really like a god-send to the people. He was getting things back on track, since France had crippled Germany after the first world war. They adored him and he gave Germany a new sense of pride that they thought they'd lost. And then, of course, things started to turn, but by then, what could any of them do? The SS was brutal (as you're all well aware) and they were afraid. The lady told him that for a lot of the things, they just 'looked the other way'; as long as they didn't see it happening, it wasn't happening. The woman happened to live near one of the concentration camps, and one of the railways into the camp actually went through the middle of her town. So every day she had to cross the train tracks to go buy groceries, and she always went at a specific time like the rest of the town so that they could get in and out before the train went by. One day, she was late or the train was early, and she got caught on the other side of the tracks as it passed by, transporting with it hundreds of Jewish people to the concentration camp. She remembered hearing them all, even smelling them, and ended up sobbing the rest of the way home. On certain days when the wind blew the wrong way, they could smell the scent of burning flesh. After a story like that (and he had a few of them), the class was always silent. You can only imagine, my friends. But to have that kind of effect on a class? Where every single kid in there is engrossed in what you have to say? Yeah. That's why I want to be a teacher. If I could have a fraction of that sort of passion and influence on a class, I'd be ecstatic. He's been teaching for over 25 years now, and was just named Teacher of the Year. Needless to say, he deserves every bit of that award, and then some. And that's all I have to say about that. ^_~

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Monday, January 26, 2004

Forever.

This thing doesn't exactly have a set title yet. I've just been messing around with a few ideas, I guess. So if you think of an appropriate sounding one, let me know. Anyway. Yeah, as I mentioned before, this was a product of my weekend, and it's been an idea I've played with for quite some time. I've thought about putting it on the boards, but I don't think that'd be appropriate. That, and I'm a little hesitant to show it to people. Thus why I'm putting it here instead; as far as I know, the only people who read my O are the few who comment, and maybe a few stragglers. (At least, methinks so. o.O;;) Any sort of criticism is nice, but keep in mind this is very personal - if you're mean about it, I'll hate you forever. Fair enough warning for you? Lovely! Let's get started. ----------------------------- It’s been a couple years since you died, Grandma. Maybe just over that. But I keep getting older, and I’m beginning realize that time is relative. Years can seem like months, months can seem like days, and fifteen minutes in my math class can seem like an eternity. Logically, you’ve been gone for a long time. Long enough for the rest of us to come to terms with it. But in me the wounds are still fresh. Sometimes it hurts so bad, Grandma. I never got closure. I never gave you a chance, and I regret that every day. I thought I knew things back then, I thought I knew myself, and I know now that I knew nothing. All that bitterness I felt was based on assumptions, based on myths; on situations I couldn’t even begin to comprehend. I want to explain myself, I want to try, but who can simplify the complexities of the human mind? You made my mother cry. That’s all I remember, and by god, I held onto that. Much longer than I ever should have. And who was I to judge you, Grandma? What was I thinking? Forgive and forget… that’s one of the hardest lessons I’ve ever had to learn. And I’m still learning it, a few times over. It’s a slow process. I wish there was some other way, but maybe for me there was no other way. Maybe this is just how it had to be. This is how I had to understand it. And I do now. I tried to keep all the pain inside for a long time. All the regret, all the bitter tastes, all my tears, I’ve kept it all safely tucked away where no one would ever see it. At least, that’s what I thought. But it made me unhealthy. I grew up with all those ideas festering inside. I grew up hiding what I felt, never really being honest with myself or anyone else, and that’s hurt me more than anything else has. I’ve been my worst enemy. I bet you understand that. I believe that with all my heart now; I need to. I wish you were still here. You would be so proud of me, I think. I’ve tried to do so much; I’ve tried to push myself to learn, and to grow, so I don’t make these horrible mistakes again. I want other people to know, too. I want to teach them about my pain so they won’t ever have to go through it. It’s the best kind of therapy I can give myself, at least until we have the chance to talk again. I’m really looking forward to that, Grandma Mord. There’s so much I want to tell you. About my interests, about my passions, about my dreams. What I’ve learned so far, and what I’ve yet to learn. You missed so much, for having been gone for such a small amount of time. I’m taking a Shakespeare class. I know you would have liked that. Even if I didn’t know much about you, I know you would have at least appreciated that. And that William. He really knows his stuff. He really does. Sometimes it really upsets me that there are things that you will never see. I did learn to love, although it took so long, and only after so much grief. I’m only just learning about that. It’s kind of funny, actually, because I sometimes feel like I’m turning into one of those disgusting things I’ve always looked down on. Sometimes, I have to stand back and wonder how things change so fast, and so easily. I just had to let myself. I had to open up. You never saw me graduate. I went out with honors, Grandma. Tons of medals and cords, and a gold ribbon. And I made so many good memories to look back on. We had theatre in common. A love for literature, a love for language, for the words, for a story. I never feel closer to you than when I’m reading something like that. And I’m leaving a lasting memory in Yearbook. What they’re making now is essentially my baby. It was my project – my blood, sweat, and tears. And you know I love leaving something behind. It’s in our blood. That strive, that determination, that damn work ethic. Heh, sometimes I sit in front of the computer, cursing my genes because I can’t bring myself to really slack off. But you know, that did come from my mom, just as much as it came from all of you. I don’t really know what ever went on between you and my mom. I don’t know if I ever want to. That’s not important anymore. And I’m really, really happy that I can finally say that. I’ve held that hurt inside for much longer than I ever should have, and even as I think about it now, I feel a little better. I feel closer to you. I wish we had been closer. I wish I had taken the chance to really talk to you; to find out more about your life, about your experiences, and really appreciate them. I wish we could have talked about movies and books together, maybe gone to a few plays. I wish we could have driven down some dusty beach road with the top down and the cool wind in our hair, just like in Thunder Road. There are so many things I wish, Grandma. But for now I’ll just have to cherish every faded memory I have of you – even if in a lot of them you were scolding me about cracking my knuckles. No matter how distant we might have been, I always loved you, and I always will. I need you to know that. Maybe you did. Maybe all grandmothers know that. Maybe one day I’ll know that. Right now, I can only hope that I’ll grow into someone you’ll be proud of, something brave and strong and true. Someone a little like you. That’s a comforting thought to me. Until that happens though, I’ll just take comfort in my faith that you will always be with me, always and forever.

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"She'll be back."

Current Mood: Pretty damn good. Listening To: The calming sound of rain.. and the cars driving in the rain. "She'll be back," and she was. Yes, this means what you think it means... the internet lives again. Jesus H. Christ, it's about freaking time. No internet for a weekend.. well, it wasn't that bad. It's not like I didn't have anyway to get on. It's the principal of the thing, though - if I'm paying for it, then I expect to have it. Apparently, though, it was down in pretty much all the dorms all over campus. Some weird thing; like if you had turned your computer off Friday than it didn't work, but all those who left their Chucky Wills running still had their internet. The losers. Ah, but it works again. Joy. Today was the beginning of my "Megan Will Actually Do Something She Says She'll Do, Instead Of Just Thinking About It" plan. I some how managed to drag my lazy ass out of bed this morning, went to class, did all that, came back around 11, changed, and then actually proceeded to go to the gym. *lots of cheering* I keep forgetting how great you feel once you finish up the work out and all that. It's really a very lovely emotion. Definitely a good one for me to get to know. ^_~ But yeah, it was pretty fun. I don't know how sore I'll be.. if I will be at all, but here's what I did today: 1. First, did all those fun warm up stretches, and then I jogged around the track a few times. Half a mile, about. Light and easy. 2. I got on one of those crazy cycling machines and "biked" for a half an hour. That was niiiiice. 3. I did some more stretching, including a lot of the crazy leg stuff I learned from my old karate days. That was about it. Not exactly impressive or anything, but hey, I'm out of shape. Gotta start somewhere. It was fun, though. Hopefully I'll go back to the Leach Center Wednesday some time, and then again on Friday. And that will be the schedule. While I wasn't doing a whole lot online this weekend, I did manage to write something. ^_^ Not the original idea I had planned those few weeks back, but this worked out rather well. I'll post it up here later, so make sure you check back for it. I warn you, though, it'll be personal and sort of sad. It's something I've been meaning to write for awhile. I got some new shampoo that me likes. I'm very fond of the aromatherapy stuff, even though it's kind of pricey at times. Since the parents came up, though I got a new scent - Bergamont Coriander. Or something like that. Any way, it smells fantastic. Very nice. So really, you see, you didn't miss a whole lot. Me and my riveting life. ^_~ Back down the bully to the back of the bus Cause it's time for them to be scared of us Till you're yellin' how we're living cause we got the ball And then you rock on, baby, rock on, you rock on On and on You're a summer time hottie with her socks in the air Screaming I don't care, baby, I don't care

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Saturday, January 24, 2004

Stupid dorm.

Okay, here's the scoop. I've been having a little bit of internet trouble lately, as well as a bit of a busy weekend, so if I'm not on a lot in the next couple days... well, you know why. It all depends on when the dorm decides to fix this problem. I can't seem to connect at all - no AIM, nothing. So until then, stuff like this will have to come from the library computers, which sucks. Hopefully though, this will just go away quickly enough. It's happened to me once before, so no real worries. If not, well I'll just burn down the dorm or something. We need a new one anyway. Cheers, my duckies.

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Thursday, January 22, 2004

Can't complain, but I still want to.

Current Mood: Meh. Listening To: Forever: Vertical Horizon It's just been one of those days, I guess. Not really into it at all; instead, I'm just going through the motions.. going to class, taking notes, do some quick reading, grab something to eat, get online. I don't know. Hopefully it'll wear off soon. My parents are coming in Saturday, so that might work, if nothing else will. Means I'll have to start cleaning, though. One of the hardest things about leaving home is that you're leaving their lives. No, you're not officially gone or anything, but suddenly you're not involved with them on a day to day basis. Maybe you weren't then, either, but at least you had the ability to call them up and say "Hey, let's go out." It's weird not knowing how my family is doing everyday - I used to be able to wake up and see them and just know. But now I have to call, and even then, it's not really the same. I don't know what happened to Jen or Matt during school, I don't know who they talked to or what they did, I don't know if it was a bad day or if they're bouncing off the walls. I don't know what my Dad does at work, I don't even know what my Mom's work schedule is. And between soccer and work and basketball games and concessions and all the other crazy stuff my family does, they're not even home half the time. It's hard not knowing every intimate detail, sometimes. I haven't talked to some of my friends since break ended. That really sucks. I have no idea what they're even up to anymore. What they're stressing about now, who's been on their minds, what's going on in theatre.. yeah. Not really part of that anymore. Maybe it's time to move on. Now I'm just being depressing. It's not like I don't still talk to them. It's just harder, because I don't see them during the day at school, and they aren't always there when I call, and e-mail is fun, but it's not nearly as nice as actually seeing or hearing them. And sometimes I could really, really use one of those crazy girl nights - we all would pile into Meg's car, speed down the road, singing loudly and laughing, eat at Steak 'n' Shake and have a jolly good time with the gay waiter, and just talk. Girl talk. I miss that a lot, sometimes. Sometimes I think me and Holden Caulfield are quite the pair - holding on to things that are already gone. I have my astronomy lab later. Mmm, how I love going back out into the cold to do vague math and physics assignments. Now that's exactly how I wanted to end my night. the pieces are breaking and falling and fading a silent death begins how can one give up when there's nothing left to give?

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Wednesday, January 21, 2004

Go.

Songs to sing with a hairbrush. That's the first thought that comes to mind whenever I listen to something from Vertical Horizon. They have a knack for being very mellow and melancholy, sometimes, which I have to admit, I really, really enjoy. So I thought I'd share some fun lyrics with you all today, from the goodness of my heart. (Actually, I'm just too cheap to write a real entry.) Won't Go Away Hear me baby baby won't you I go crazy crazy for you Won't you tell me tell me what to do I go crazy crazy for you 'Cause the way you look at me I can say you set me free And no matter what you say I won't go away I won't go away I see the world the world is you I see the baby baby blue And every day's a day to get through 'Till I see baby baby blue And the way you look at me I can say you set me free And no matter what you say I won't go away I won't go away And it takes Such a long time to get through this Such a long time to find this kiss And I can't forget it I'm not ready yet And I came Such a long way to where you are Now I'm falling from this star And I can't forget it I'm not ready yet 'Cause the way you look at me I could say you set me free And no matter what you say I won't go away I won't go away Hear me baby baby won't you I go crazy crazy for you Won't you tell me tell me something new I am crazy crazy for you I am crazy crazy for you I am crazy crazy for you

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Tuesday, January 20, 2004

Give me your pillows!

Current Mood: Amused Listening To: Thank You, My Twilight: The Pillows My US History class got cancelled today, so here I am, writing in my blog thing. That means I've only got Astronomy today. How boring. Hopefully it'll at least be interesting. Last time we talked about light, and that's sort of fun. It's better than wavelengths. Those suck, my friends. They just suck. Man, this room gets so dusty, so fast. >.> Hey hey, I attended my first OB wedding yesterday. It was...... interesting. I think that's the general response to anything having to do with the boards though. Just stare, blink once, and then mutter a strange "Okaaay" while backing up slowly. I was going to try and spend this would-be class time reading a chapter from our book or something, but then I realized that it wasn't bloody likely. At least my intentions are good... er... yeah. Seriously though. I need to buckle down here. I have a math quiz tomorrow, though I don't know what it'll be on exactly, since I don't have class until tomorrow morning.. but I'm sure I can find something to look at until then. That, and I need to finish up Othello in time for class discussions and all that. Friday and Saturday they're showing Intolerable Cruelty down at the SLB, so I'm pretty sure I'm gonna go see that. Yep. So, how does everybody like Ms. Peach? I'm quite proud of her, if I do say so myself. ^_^ "Well, you know what they say: 'Great minds think alike'." "That's just what I was thinking!"

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Monday, January 19, 2004

Yeehaw.

YOU HAVE BREAST IMPLANTS!!! what's YOUR deepest secret? brought to you by Quizilla Damn it, my secret is out. You represent... naivete. So innocent and trusting... you can be very shy at times, but it's only because you're not sure how to act. You give off that "I need to be protected vibe." Remember that not all people are good. Being too trusting will get you easily hurt. What feeling do you represent? brought to you by Quizilla ....yes! Okay, who wants to use me? >.>;;

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